Nexus Fate - Chapter 1: Warden

When it means it most, can what's real outlast what isn't? Can one follow fate's strings to its master? Either way, Everything is guided.

It quivered among no illuminations. The unsightly thing, surely, moved through the dark. The great event, in line to unfold, must have been key priority in its mind. Although one might dispute this particular event's greatness, if it even had any meaning to begin with. But it happened nonetheless, a grid formation appeared. It seized the sky, space, time, all existence in this place. It shot out and away, leaving a gleaming trail in its wake. Agleam of stars and those colorful things that come next. It could be seen now, its celestial complexion. Surely not something of this place...

The dim glow faded from what the dignified boy held in his palm. The oil had run dry quicker than expected. Their escape would take to the subterrestrial shadows of the abyss.

“Shal! Stay close!”

A quaking pressure came from the ground, and nearby walls. Pebbles fell full-force from the towering ceiling above, as the ominous visitor prepared greeting in the dark.

Another, tense, voice arouse strong, “Gama! Should we -”

The courtly one's blade unsheathed, glistening at its hilt from a distant fire.

“Gama!”

A great movement above. There was no more time. A colossal cleaver crashed down from the lofty visitor upfront. The broad thing hauled the blade back to its side. Beading sweat. The boy yelled, leaping with all his mustered might. Air scattered past his crisp steel. The loud clash of metal. A direct hit. There would be no holding back! This fight must be finished hastily before time's end! The boy yelled again, with another formidable strike, before taking hold of the weighty creature. This creature had no sensation of flesh or bone. It was hard, sharp at the edge as is steel. Gama kept hold of it. Was this its leg? His clear thought shattered from a sporadic shaking. A fringe of the thing's leg punctured Gama's chest. The liquid of life poured, loosening grip.

“Gama! Where are you?”

This grip can't fail, this mission can't fail, it will not fail!

In a mighty stomp, against the surface of that thing's mighty leg, Gama flew. A momentum that couldn't go to waste. The air of the kick carried him upwards, just enough to count. Gama's steel stood steady, hilt and all, but an oddity arose. Air, around the motionless blade, quickened into a blur of speed. As was the blow. Fragments flew from the punctured beast. But one wasn't enough, more. More. MORE. Gama, now, hovered in memory of where that thing's leg once dared to fill. Shards and scrapes could be heard, clattering, in the dark. A slow, protracted creaking grew from the moment of silent peace. One end of the corridor shook again, signaling this battles end. But something signaled otherwise. Gama slipped.

“Gama! Where are you? Did you stop it? Come on!”

A twinge of pain circulated throughout. This can't be it! They must reach the end, and there wasn't an abundance of time to mingle or pant. You must arise Gama.

“Hey! Gama, say something!”

One foot under the other. Push. The needles sunk deeper within his chest. Deeper.

Shal sensed a tumble nearby, “Gama! Are you hurt?”

Gama felt her soft hands lift up his frail body, “Shal... Is he here?”

“No... not yet. Come now! No - no, I've got you.”

Consciousness was fading. How can one stay valiant at an hour so bleak. There was no light to be found in this place, but that fire up ahead. Focusing... blotting out all things other than its approaching flame. Surrounded in stones, it continues to burn in a place so far in depth and ancient in construction.

It continues to burn... It must be connected to the ancient passageway, it can't be any simple anomaly! There’s no way I can let go now, not 'til doom strikes me at the heart.

“Shal.” Gama growled, cringing his chest and pushing away. “I... will have to fight him. That flame... that flame should mark the start of the steps. You must -”

“Gama! We've come this far! You can't - we have to make it to the e-”

“This is the end Shal! My throne... it's not relevant anymore! You...” The gore of his wound continued out his mouth, slurring speech.

“I...”

A slight gap. “There's meaning to this Shal... more meaning than reaching that end! You must take the gem onwards.”

“But -”

“Just go...”

“I can heal y-”

“You... can't waste your power!”

“Stop! Gam-”

“Or this valuable time - GO!”

The flame illuminated her tear droplets and pearly, silk cloak while tapping up the steps.

Gama took in the last sight of her, “Keep on! God forgive...”

“God?” The needles of pain even ceased to this sound.

Over Gama's shoulder all was cimmerian shade, but the flame from behind him would spoil his stance. There was no good to come from this position. He must stay alert in hope of recovery. In a scarcely servile manner, Gama demanded, “Rat, show yourself!”

A chuckle ensued a voice of precedence, “You're wounded? That machine must have taken you.”

“You think this...” Gama held his posture.

“It's finally time traitor. As King and royalty of Royce, I declare you, Gama Patsy, surrender your life before the tip of my spear!”

How did it come to this...

“... However, I would prefer another one of your revelries to simp-.”

“ABLAIN, COME OUT!”

Unsheathed again, this can't be the final time. There's more reason than just surviving this game of cat and mouse.

The gust of air to the left impelled something fatal. Gama's blade caught a grip on the King's spearhead as it tore Gama's pauldron clean off. Uniform collisions met the weakening steel blade. Dampening sweat blinded vision. Still not a hit to be let off, only many to be taken. The spear swept out from an anonymous angle, into Gama's recent wound. Pain of another scope soared throughout as Gama's eyes pierced the dark for requital. A leaning swing forward met no foe. A sidewards sway to the right left no cut. Yet, the jingling of mail, at the rear, caught Patsy's ear. An instantaneous, forward dive saved him from Albain's clout thrust.

Now the King's position was known. The foolish King stood before the fire-pit from far abaft. Footsteps ringed Gama's earshot as he searched for the right mark to make on his antagonist. An increment upwards, an opening! The lengthy veer of his blade rode the King's spear higher, a wide target! Briskly relieving the sword backwards above his own shoulder, an opposing defense was futile. The amount of armor worn wouldn't save Albain from this move... this strike... will end his life. I will live on!

From Gama's perspective, the blade made a solid hit against Albain's armored defense, but there was a gap. A senseless gap. Where the blade attempted to strike, it met a wall of energy, small and bright. Another hit in the combination, led to a similar fate. Another and another, side by side, swipe by swipe, all angles manageable - the wall only continued to merge, revealing the monarch's expression of utter delight. There was no cavity, no sense. But confusion ceased. So did everything else. Gama Patsy's blade fell sharply below him. The incision left fresh blood droplets adrift. There was no more fighting. It was over. This met nowhere near the length of time needed for Shal to make her move. She's standing somewhere up there, not aware of this failure.

My failure... you put trust in me, with sacrifice. I'm sorry for not denying it when I could. Goodbye...

Author's Note

This is my first attempt at writing a full story.
Also the chapters are at a short length because I posted them first on DeviantArt, and people will never read your stories if they are too long there (which is why I moved here).

I'd appreciate any type of criticism as this is my first writing.

*By the way, I will very likely combine chapters to lessen the total number after I have completed the book (as with chapters of this length, the amount will very likely enter 3 digits).

Reviews

[Samuel Jack]

I enjoyed your writing but the story was a little hard to follow. The style you used felt a bit like prose poetry to me. I've been thinking of doing something similar on a book I'm working on, but I'm only going to use the flowery language in certain scenes.

But It's your work so do what you want. Your definatly a good writer. On to chapter two.

Good words.

[Flopp]

Great work dude! I got hooked from the start to the end

[Piegoose]

Thanks a lot! Just letting you know since this story is incomplete that I haven't been not productive entirely since then, while I do feel I likely won't continue this story specifically. I have been re-working a new medieval story with the elements I liked from this for about a year-or-so and hope to make a more consistent and meaningful tale with better character interaction and development. This story was mostly thought up as I went along, and that led to complications - but there was a huge twist that was never reached in this story which I still enjoy the idea of, so I might do a re-make or just continue after I write the other medieval story. I basically wrote a pilot version of the new story if you're interested (was for a final in my writing class), it's here: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Vrykolaka-580128427

[Nana]

Good story. A little hard to follow but I got the general idea.

[dw817]

⊰ℙℝ⊱ (personal request via PM)

The great event, in line to unfold, [must've / must have] been key priority in it's mind.
It is poor writing to use contractions for the narrator unless it is first person perspective.

Hmm ... You are running into an, "it's" problem. Not too surprising as it can get confusing. "It's" with the apostrophe is always and only used for a contraction of, "it is" or "it has." (and should additionally not be used by the narrator unless it is first person - see above).

While it may not make visual sense, "its" without the apostrophe is actually the possessive. For professional writing you should keep these two things in mind. If you like, I can mark every single area where it's and its are misplaced.

“Gama! We've come this far! You can't- we have to make it to the en-”
Normally a - (dash) attached to a word (no space) means the word is incomplete. You can add a space if you are giving a pause after, "can't" since that is a complete word. The "en-" however is correct since the word is cut-off before it is spoken.

"Gama took [in the her] last sight, “Keep on! God forgive...” (malformed grammar)

"Over Gama's shoulder all was [crimean/crimson] shade" (sp)

“It is finally time, traitor-" and “one of your revelries to simply-.” (see above)

"tore his [pauldron] clean off." (excellent usage here, full marks).

Catch up on these first and write me again for a follow-up on the plot and story.

[Piegoose]

Thanks for the review! :D
But I have a few thing's i'd like to ask first.

In the "it's" part of the review: you say that the narrator should never use"it's" with an apostrophe. But in this sentence for example, "The great event, in line to unfold, must've been key priority in it's mind", would an apostrophe make sense there? Like if you put an apostrophe on "Jake's car" i'm placing one on "it's mind." I just can't see the difference :L

On the dashed part of the review, would this be the correct version without the dash?
Incorrect: Gama! We've come this far! You can't- we have to make it to the en-
Correct?: Gama! We've come this far! You can't we have to make it to the en- (Two spaces)

On the crimean/crimson shade section, i'm not completely understood on this, but when I looked up synonyms for dark on the Thesaurus on Dictionary.com, it came up with "Crimean shade" as one of them. Is it incorrect to use it in the manner I did, or is it just more common to use crimson shade instead? I thought of crimson as red, not dark, which is why I didn't use it before.


Thanks so much again for responding and taking your time to review!! :D Means a lot :)
I'll fix this chapter more after these questions are cleared up, then i'll write you for the follow-up.

[dw817]

For the narrator, if you are using a contraction, it is suggested that it be first-person narrator.

Here is some more information on it's and its - and, it's not my rule, it's English, and yes it can get weird sometimes. :)
http://www.grammar-monster.com/easily_confused/its_its.htm

As for the dash. You can have a space, it is just not suggested that it to be attached to the word, "can't" as this is a complete word, so instead you would have, "you can't - we have"

If you were going to cut off the word, "can't" you could have, "ca-" Truly I use it incorrectly myself and always insert a space after a word, even for an incomplete one.

Minju, I also insert a space after a ? or ! which is my own personal style. You are welcome to choose as you like here regarding dash, it was just something I noticed.

As for, "Crimean," that is a little bit more puzzling. The only thing I could was where it is capitalized, and it is a location. It is possible they were using it as a reference to darkness.

It is non-standard in English I believe, especially as a descriptor of a light level.
http://bit.ly/12YCyI6

Asking Google what, "crimean shade" was did not reveal very much for me either.
http://bit.ly/14wWNha

[Piegoose]

Alrighty! :D I looked up some info on the "its" vs "it's" problem, and I think i've corrected the chapter now.
You can move onto the commentary about the story and plot, as you've said, now :)

Also, on a side-note, the "Crimean shade" phrase I wrote down earlier was wrong. I misspelled it. It's actually spelled, "cimmerian shade".
Cimmerian mean's "Darkness" in Latin I think, from what I looked up.

Just sayin' :S

[dw817]

Ah ! I KNOW about Cimmerian. Conan The Barbarian is a Cimmerian ! "By Crom !" :D

[Piegoose]

Wait, Conan Was a Cimmerian? Does Cimmerian not mean darkness then? Or is Cimmerian a made-up term in Conan lore?
I need to watch that movie lol XD I STill haven't seen it to this day.

[dw817]

Actually I was referring to the cool B&W comics they came out with several years ago. I still have several of them from my earlier days. :)
http://bit.ly/19QCBIa

BTW, there is a new Conan The Barbarian movie out that doesn't have Arnold Schwarzenegger at the main hero. Me and Chris were watching it last Sunday:
http://imdb.to/15S7ZSg

[Piegoose]

That looks cool! :p
Do you read comics a lot?

Oh ya, that movie was pretty recent if I recall correctly. I never heard anything about it though from people, was it good compared to the ones with Arnold?

[dw817]

I think it's a lot bloodier. I have a pretty low tolerance of violence in stories. I know the movie, "Kick A*s" was too - intense - for me to watch. Chris and me were watching it and I was getting pretty upset over the violence and he said, O K A Y, I guess we'll watch a cartoon now.

I guess my Dad brought me up pretty sheltered. All I ever watched was Disney films. I went to go see Rocky Horror in the movie theatre and, I'll be honest, it scared the crap outta me. Today I'm a little better, but I still am not too fond of all the blood.

Now, in the comic book tho, it's all B&W, and Conan always gets the girl. I like that. I also have all the episodes of Conan The Barbarian the animated series, but it's kinna silly in parts. :7

[Piegoose]

Well I consider violence in media on 3 different levels of sustainability:
Level 1 - Animated Violence
Level 2 - CG Violence
Level 3 - Violence

I can handle Level 1 & 2 well, but I hate seeing the real thing!


I actually watched Disney films mostly when I was being brought up too, but I started just seeing things on TV a lot - and I guess that's how I can handle it now?
lol xD my friend used to play as the main character in 'Rocky Horror'. He'd go on stage and stuff, but ya - it's really strange lol. I guess it's for a very specific taste, not mine certainly - but I mean it wasn't bad ~ but meh.
Well Kick A*s surely has a Lot of blood lol. You could maybe slowly build up on the level like I said. Why not try watching Akira? xD

It's good to be assured a fine lady~ and is the animated series around the time of He-Man? I never remember a cartoon of it in my childhood.

[dw817]

I've seen Akira. I consider it fine Anime, which is odd because of how violent it is. But - like Paprika, it is well animated and well performed, and both are rated R so there is no mistake there.

My G/F Rose is fond of the absolute darkest of violence and horror, like Saw, Centipede Man, K-11, Sinister, and Wicked.

Now, I like horror if it's intelligent, like Hellraiser 2 or Alien 2 (Aliens), or Silent Hill. A great many stories I write that do hold a horrific edge are not random, they are there because they NEED to be there, to fill in the gap, and they fit it like a jigsaw puzzle piece.

As for animated He-Man, granted, that can be found HERE:
https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/3Wqlqy82Snk

[Piegoose]

lol I haven't seen Akira in a whillle, but if I remember right - it was probably the goriest anime i've seen xD. I actually haven't seen Paprika actually, but it's on my list.

Ya, strangely it seems like girls like gore/scary movies more than guys. Never will get it. Maybe they aren't as kind as people think they are XD idk lol

EXACT same for me. Movies like Dawn of the Dead and The Thing, I thought were intelligent - in that the characters acted accordingly and didn't wander aimlessly to their deaths.
Oh what horror stories have you written? Name one maybe?

lol so it Does look like He-Man. I wasn't old enough to watch these though, I saw shows like Samurai Jack and Courage the Cowardly Dog :) good shows


But off-topic, I was just wanting to ask another thing about this chapter of my story. On Deviant Art, someone rejected it from a group saying what they thought of it. I wasn't offended (more curious) I just wanted to know if you think the same way as this when you read my chapter: "Overall, you've got a good foundation/starting point, but for me personally, it lacked the hook to draw the reader in, and the emotion to keep the reader there."

and followed with: "for me personally, the writing just felt dry and didn't keep my interest."

Do you agree with this person by chance?

[dw817]

Well there are a few things you need to consider. Imagine this. Beet-flavored coffee. Hmm .. Maybe it's healthy, maybe it tastes good to you personally, but would others like it ? Perhaps not.

Now consider, Cinnamon Tea. Hm ! Something people can relate to. They may even buy it in great amounts. But is it unique, original, something that is completely different from what the world is used to ? No .. not really. But it =IS= popular, and that's important to the market.

Writing, at least to me, is similar to introducing new products in the market. Sure you want to have something unique and original, but you always want to have familiar and 'comfortable' settings as well.

Here then are =7= of the main plots you can use in a story.

[1] THE QUEST - Lord Of The Rings, Harry Potter, Narnia, Escape To Witch Mountain
[2] VOYAGE AND RETURN - Alice In Wonderland, Wizard Of Oz, Gulliver's Travels
[3] REBIRTH - Christmas Carol, Beauty & The Beast, Monk, Transformers
[4] COMEDY - When Harry Met Sally, Big Bang Theory, The Office
[5] TRAGEDY - Shakespeare, Richard 3rd, Romeo & Juliet, Godfather
[6] OVERCOME MONSTER - Twilight, Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, Hansel & Gretel, James Bond
[7] RAGS TO RICHES - Aladdin, Cinderella, Great Expectations, Matrix, Harry Potter

The stories I write ? I try to use all of these elements together. usually I reserve 2-3 chapters to detail one major plot type and then I fade into another. If I can successfully use all 7 of them in one story, I feel I've succeeded.

I write - to entertain. And because it's difficult for me to pen pure fiction, I always need to have some elements of my own life in them. Either actual events I've lived from my past, dreams I've had, or even terrible nightmares.

Curiously enough by including these elements it seems to improve my writing. You, too, PG, can consider these elements to assist you.

[Piegoose]

I see what you're saying, but I actually already have the plot mutation idea planned. My story will incorporate 6 of the 7 for certain, possibly the other - not sure yet. But, from what your saying, it sounds like my style (and how I begin the story) isn't the way someone would tipically go about doing it.

This was sort-of intentional, but maybe it still wasn't the right idea on my part:
It seemed like it'd be les interesting to make Chapter 1 just the beginning of the story with people talking and what-not. I thought it might be more interesting to start it with a hint of what the main plot will be like when it starts up later in the story itself. Chapter 1 isn't actually directly related with the main story, but it can add some back details and does have one thing that continues with the story. It is supposed to be set before the actual story begins.
I tried to make Chapter 1 a little confusing and mysterious, but I wanted to throw in some action too (mainly to see if I can handle action in writing. I never understood how it'd work... I barely read xD).
Maybe that wasn't the best idea on my part. This Chapter might have been better titles as a "Prologue" maybe, but people usually skip prologues. I thought this would be more interesting to start with than Chapter 2 (being it would be changed to Chapter 1).

As a final question though, what did you think of how I did the action in this? I looked up a few articles that said to make quick, short sentences with deep, descriptive details. Explain the battle instead of making the two fighting have a conversation.

Thanks again for the help though~!! :D

[dw817]

Sure. It reminds me a little of, "Bridge To Terabithia." Not by plot but by shock and dismay. In this story, there is a cute, young, plucky, bright, clever, amazing young girl, full of life, spirit, vigor, and imagination.

And - halfway through the film she dies - and YES, this is a DISNEY film, and NO, she doesn't come back. No happy ending. I was outraged.

Perhaps others call Bridge To Terabithia a wonderful story, I say it is a rude wakeup call to reality, and not one I plan to answer or acknowledge any time soon. Perhaps that's just me ...

[Piegoose]

Ya, i've seen Bridge to Terabithia too. That part completely surprised me, but I wasn't "outraged" by it exactly . I can't really explain what I think of it, but it's not that for sure.

And that's an interesting comparison, because that is, actually, sort-of how this story will be like. A lot of "shock and dismay" no doubt. That is actually The Thing of this story, if you ask me~ unexpected events.
Starting from Chapter 10 (almost there :D) the main plot will begin and it is led by a series of events that are completely unexplainable, and happen at random. Each event is deadly, and that's why your comparison is actually quite correct. However this story has a lot of levels to the plot, even the 'main' plot here isn't all the way to the core. I plan to have 2 books of this story. They will both be long :)


*But I guess you could consider that type of story as a “wake-up call to reality”, but I see it more to add a deeper level of immersion and believability (except with Bridge to Terabithia I would agree with you). In most stories, important characters never die, and things don't happen to crazily – usually following an understood path. I have always been most interested in the feelings of fear, mystery, and reality – in these stories. I want to make a story where all characters, even those who are unnamed, have a role to play and will be noticed. I want to make a story where most of it's contents aren't fully-understood, and the reader can be in a constant feeling of wonder.

The only issue is my ability to write. I have no idea if what i'm writing is good quality, all I know is that I enjoy it, and that I must have 20-30 followers who think like-wise ~ because each Chapter gets 30 views within a few hours of posting. :)


But my personal opinion of Bridge to Terabithia, I think the author wanted a story that would be remembered, that would stick with his/her readers. Just my opinion.

[dw817]

The problem with being infamous (as I think Terabithia was), is - I certainly don't want to see it again. No re-watch value here.

Consider, Kirk can't die. That's one of the things I've always liked about Star Trek. You know McCoy, Spock, Chekhov, Sulu, Lieutenant Uhura, Scotty, Nurse Chapel, and Kirk will always be in the episodes. Wearing a red-shirt however ? You're toast ! :)

And yet, in British Science-Fiction, Blake's 7, many of Blake's crew did die off unexpectedly in later episodes. And somehow - that added to the charm of it cause you didn't know what would happen with the characters, but it was time as the episodes were getting on.

It's a mean tossed salad. There is a fine line between telling one story, as Bridge to Terabithia did, and any of the episodes of Star Trek or Blake's 7.

One of Doctor Who's companions was killed in an episode, Adric, the boy who was good at mathematics. And - the BBC watchers were outraged sending in hundreds of letters of complaint saying they were going to boycott the show - and - perhaps they did.

It's a matter of timing. I think the timing for this girl in your story to murder seems a little too soon.

She has met consequences before attempted responsibility.

That's what I've been meaning to get out.

If there were chapters before where it was evident her powers could engulf and kill a man, perhaps she is with her Father and they are experimenting on blocks of wood. The reader would be more inclined to accept that she has a deadly uncontrollable power that may misfire later.

As it is in the opening chapter, there is already murder from someone we know to be chaste, virtuous, and innocent of all other crimes. It - confuses the reader, this one anyways. :7

[Piegoose]

Well, the way you explain the difference makes it sounds like it just simply is in a different category from typical fantasy. I've actually considered this story fitting 'dark fantasy', at the moment.

The death of characters can be a bad thing, like in those examples you mentioned, but the thing is that those examples are highly viewed television programs that run on for a long time. They go more by many small conflicts than one main plot.

Also, feeling confusion to the death in chapter 1 was exactly what I was going for. That's actually good news that the confusion does exist in that chapter. I want that chapter to be strange, because the farther and farther the reader goes - the less relevant that chapter will seem. But the chapter holds a very important factor to the story. It's an irrelevant link to everything in a way. I would have to have more story finished to explain~

But I think different people like different kinds of stories. Or maybe people look for something different every now and then. I'd say my target audience is open-minded readers - with an interest in mystery, action, and drama (a Lot of character conflicts in the story)

[dw817]

Well there are some stories I have trouble reading. I know I asked my Dad about it one time. He's rather fond of Ian Fleming in the original James Bond. But - he said he picked up one of the new James Bond from the local library, it was a different author. And - he said he started to read the first paragraph, and it was so immensely violent that he couldn't continue. He closed the book, put it on his shelf, and vowed to return to the library the next day.

Now, I'm not saying your story meets this criteria, but ultimately, a good story, and I can be alone in this belief, should interest everyone at all levels. If you are seeking a unique audience who likes to be surprised, your story may well be the best and refreshing to those who seek this sort of thing.

As for me, I seek a general audience. Where there is something for everyone, no matter what your interests, but - at the same token, there are no shocks or surprises in my stories either unless they are built-up and worked into first. No cake until you finish your green beans as they say. *Grin*

I know a great many horror films Rose watches are fraught with fear and violence, and she likes this whereas I don't. Carlos' wife for instance, won't watch a movie unless someone dies in the first 5-minutes, and she's very clear on that point.

Me ? While I will watch a great many movies or read books, I always look to find a way to relate to the main character in it so I can live their experience. We all have our interests, agendas, and criteria. :)

[Piegoose]

Oh, I saw you welcome me~ :D Thank you Kinely~!! - but what am I welcomed to?


Well, ther must've been some pretty bad action in that James Bonb ~ because I can't see how one would go That far lol xD but i've read books like "The Road" which is really gritty and real. REally great book though if you ask me, great movie too~

There's a small thought i'd like to say about "interesting all levels". I don't know if I personally believe it, or if it fits exactly to this, but - when you create something: should you focus more on the reader, or what you personally see as good? I might have worded it a little off to make it seem like "don't listen to criticism", but what I mean is more like about the style of the writing. I mean listening to criticism is a Great thing to do, but I mean more on how the story is written to fit the taste of the general masses like you say. Like if you have a pure- scifi story, should you include a side-story of romance because that's popular and it'd help it fit the tastes of the majority?
It's just something i've thought about a little, not really sure what I think on it, but I personally think that with Nexus Fate - my goal is to create something different. I've seen the same sequence of events play out again-and-again in stories, never going off the easy/typical path. Surely, even a story like mine has been made in the past, maybe almost identical. But, my goalis to make my story not fit what is popular at the moment.

I liked the movie The Thing a lot which might have actually been a small motivation to writing this story. In The Thing, a monster is let loose on a group of scientists in the Antarctic. The monster can look like anything, like a human, and is impossible to differentiate. They have to work together to survive, but they have to be wary of each-other also - to stay alive. The monster can make it's move at random, and you have no idea who is real and who isn't/
That is a Lot like this story in some way, more in the general idea - this isn't a morphing monster story~

Well I want to make the main character relate-able too, I want to make him real. I don't want a typical, perfect at everything, main character who's just a great guy. I want a character who has his good's and bad's - but in the end try's to be the good guy ~ tries to be more than he is.

But i've thought about what my goal is in this randomness of the plot, and my kind of story.
The real theme is simply: What is Real. What is the boundary between "reality" and something else. When are you not you. That is what i'm going for with Nexus Fate. (It would build up to that question though. Right now i'm only beginning the plot that leads down that road)

[dw817]

You earlier requested Friendship although I thought you were already in my friend's list ? I always put a greeting in my shoutbox for new friends who request invitation.

As for the movie, there were two, "Thing," movies made. I saw the 2nd out of stupid curiosity and WOW, did I have nightmares later ! And no, it's not that just 'good' stories are considered for everyone.

Indeed in Barrier later, Stefani gets so wicked and evil I had Jed, a proofreading friend of mine tell me I was getting carried away and requested I tone her down a bit. I - won't say what she was doing as that'll spoil the story, but it was unbelievably evil, and it did stand out considering I was writing Barrier to be a teen-reader. I still want to include it, but I'll 'shade' it in without going in graphic detail.

As for your story, it sounds good ! Don't mind me. I still watch Mr. Roger's Neighborhood cause I see my Dad in him. Likely you won't get too much good advice regarding murder from someone who for the most part still watches Disney and family-oriented movies. :)

[Piegoose]

Oh ya lol xD well I didn't want to send a request at the start ~ someone told me people abuse it somehow. I didn't want to be one of those people, but we've been talking for a while - about different things - so I thought it was finally time :D.
Oh lol, well thanks for greeting me~! :)

Actually there were three "Thing" movies made. There was one realllllly old one that was black and white, one that was made in the 80's (which was easily the best in my eyes), and a recent one that was made around 2011 (not that great in my opinion :L).
Ya, it has a really great atmosphere that just pulls you in - and makes you think about all of the characters ~ even the one's with only a few lines, because anyone can be "The Thing" and they should all be payed close attention to.

So "Barrier" is a story you made? And that's actually an interesting point you make - because I made this story a teen reader too. But maybe I might have put it in the wrong category. If one bad thing can grab so much attention that is ~ was it really an incredibly evil thing she did though?
But, back to what I said prior, if you want the lines in the book yourself - isn't your own opinion more important than others? I mean it's good to have your proof-reading friend there, but if you feel it was needed - then why change it?

Also, what is the a "teenread"? I'm a teen, so I just put my story in the "Teen" category without thinking really~ :(

Thanks~! :D And I actually like hearing different opinions on it, it'll help me think about what people want in a story more for the future. lol, I would suppose so XD


But, just adding this in, my story hasn't really had a description this entire time it's been up. I kind-of was against having one (as I want the mystery of it to be powerful - I actually never read summary's really for things - I just consume! >:o)
But do you think this is a good hook-line?
"When it means it most, can what's real outlast what isn't? Can one follow fate's strings to its master?
Either way, Everything is guided."

It has under-tones of the plot (verryyyy slight) but does it intrigue you when you read it?

[dw817]

Well now as I mentioned it's NOT what she did was super-bad, well yah it is, but - what's the term I'm looking for. "It's too soon."

It's too soon for a completely innocent person who wouldn't harm a butterfly to accidentally murder 3 people all at once. Maybe others would like that, it just seems rather sudden for me.

If someone is going to murder I would go deep DEEP into backstory. Even Stefani, grand murderer that she is, has a reason. She has a grand backstory in the Character Synopsis that explains her troubled childhood, her psychoses, neuroses, and post-traumatic stress.