With Everyhting in Her Head

The phone was on her pillow. It didn't have a reason to light up and comfort her. Her brain, her head honestly felt like she was breaking in half, starting with her eyes.

This is what exploding feels like.

All these faces, all these words, all these maybes, nos, some-other-times, fantasies... I'm bursting at my half-a*s stitched seams, I can hear them ripping.

And the tears fell.

She'd had plans, she'd had some smiles, some hugs. But there was never enough time spent by her side with them holding her, and too much with her giving everything sh had because she thought someone needed it.

I haven't gotten anywhere. I was going to change the world, I was going to...

I wanted to be happy, that's all I ever wanted. I know I've screwed up, I know I fucked up. But please, when can I have a break.

She kept crying, and now she's talking out loud.

"I had plans, I had dreams, I had the ambition!"

Sobbing now, she continues.

"I never asked them for anything, I knew it was pointless. The just took from me, it was always just a one sided friendship. With me putting heart, feelings, dreams out on the line because maybe if they just saw how much I was there for them, if the saw how I was willing to be there when ever they needed someone, maybe they'd finally pick up the slack."

I got my a*s out of that town, I got my job, I payed my damn bills. I kept caring though, I kept my attached strings that I could pull on but not have back. I stopped talking. But they didn't notice. Things weren't any different. And that's when I knew. When I fully got it. They kept asking too, for me to cry for them, be ready to let them puke up their wild party regrets in my car having it permanently stink, for money because they blew their paychecks so they couldn't buy a gallon of milk. I can't believe I got that predictable."

She cries herself to sleep that night, but her nightmares wake her up in cold sweats. Her phone is still lying there right beside her head, she knows the numbers. She has them right there in her head. She wants so bad to dial and think up some drunk, crazy story so she can just hear somebody else's voice for the first time in a long time.

Just to hear another voice again...

Her vision blurs and wants and hopes pour down her face.

She cuts open a vein down her arm a few weeks later, she hasn't died yet. She screams, the loudest she's ever screamed. Full of her agony, her completely disappointment with her life, all the tears she didn't shed, all the drinks she shouldn't've taken, all the lonely nights.
 
She screams...as her pitiful life runs down her bathtub drain.

Author's Note

I doesn't take much to send somebody over their own personal edge. Especially when they know they should've fixed it a long time ago.

Reviews

[EvilIsRelative]

I know how hard it can be when a friendship is parasitic. This must have been far from easy to write, and I applaud you for it.

[Wolfwind]

I know this tune up to a point. I know of the friends and loved ones that are supposed to care, but simply take, take, take. And I would give, give, give. Hoping, so hoping that one day things would balance out. Ever searching for that happiness. Years of it. Days that would creep along at snails pace. Always hoping, perhaps dreaming on a what if that wasn't an if at all.
Perhaps I got lucky, or maybe God or fate intervened or my Dad was just that good and reading me. No matter how much I didn't want to hear what he was telling me, I couldn't help but understand that friends who keep taking and never give are truly no friends at all, just anchors that weigh heavily on one's emotions and mind.
So on one day, I walked away from all of them. Terrified of the unknown future, emotions sunk and not knowing where or what would be my next step, but away I walked. I never looked back.
The emptiness would haunt me for several years until out of the blue, a friend whom I barely knew told me something that would change my life. "It was never you, It was always them."
I realized that even though I had made my fair share of mistakes along the way. I had always given what I could to help everyone else out, from being a designated driver to a cup of coffee to buying them dinner. I had done my best in what I knew how to do. It was they who'd taken. Taken my generosity and tossed it onto the floor like an old phone book, out of date and torn.
I changed. I told myself I had to pay attention to people better. If I listened, did they listen in return? If at lunch, was the check split without question. If I called to say hi out of the blue, did they also randomly ring through, just to say hi? Seeking and finding that balance was the ladder that helped me slowly climb from the shadows I'd fallen into. It gave me hope again.
It allowed me to open up my heart and care again towards those that showed me kindness, offered me an ear and would put up with my faults as well as my positives.

Your words invoked words. A story for a story. =)

One of the hardest things in life, when we feel like we're not worth anything, is coming to see that there will be people we meet, that are speaking the truth, when they say we are meaningful to them.

Thanks for sharing your words. =)
Aaron

[...]

. poignant beyond measure ... an amazingly expressive and vivid piece of writing ... i didn't hear another voice for a really long time ... i was living in absolute isolation ... my phone didn't ring and i met no one new ... (or even an old acquaintance / friend) ... i begged the one i love for mercy and he chose to look the other way ... then, i realized that those who i was expecting help from were probably in much more trouble than i was in ... and i began to research their state ... i found rational evidence that told me that those who cannot comprehend others (and seem insensitive) or cannot extend mercy (and seem cruel) ... are usually in much, much, much greater trouble than those of us who face our pain ... they live in a fantasy world ... we live in the real world ... every time we win a battle, we become stronger ... every time they persist with their fantasies, they lose a bit of their strength ... when one of our dreams comes true, it's real and beautiful ... when they build another fake and false fantasy, they become that much more susceptible to deep depression ... and, they need our compassion ... if possible, assistance too ... i get very moved when i encounter someone who is living in a fantasy ... i try to reach out ... but i also do my best and then let go ... we can't influence people ... but we can lead by example ... so, i spend more time focusing on trying to make my dreams come true ... and i do hope for the best ... because no one can predict the future ... especially not those who have no grip on the present ... but i'll add that this is just my perspective based on my experiences ... it's very possible that this does not apply to everyone ...