The bad guy, I am not

A poem written as I deal with some of the darkness in my past

I've been turned into the bad guy

In a reality no one can see the entire picture of 

And the one standing in their way is me. 

For years I've buried what happened to me

Believing if I pushed it so far back in my mind

I could act like it didn't exist

But the truth is it is coming back to haunt me

My fears of telling the people I love what really happened to me, 

Have made it so I'm all alone, 

With no one wanting to be around me.

I'm made out to be the bad guy for distancing myself, 

From the person who turned my childhood into a nightmare. 

The person who abused me, 

Raped me, 

And used me almost everyday for a year of my life. 

I’m made out to be the evil one for distancing myself, 

In the sake of protecting not only myself but my children as well. 

I'm so scared to tell you of the abuse I suffered from the one that I called “brother", 

And the blind eye that was turned by the one that I call mother. 

Deep down you knew but refused to believe that your perfect angel son was abusing me.

I tried so hard to get your attention,

Tried so long to achieve your praise,

But nothing was ever enough

There was always something I could have done,

Should have done, 

Wish I would have done, 

Better.

Now I'm here feeling lost and lonely 

Because those that I called friends never truly know me. 

This huge part of my childhood that has caused me so much pain,

And shame, 

The part I never let anyone see. 

Has yet again caused me to feel shame

And pain

And misery.

And even now after that person has yet again,

Cost me friends and people I call family,

To turn against me.

I'm still afraid to admit what truly happened to me. 

I'm scared that they'll ask why I waited so long,

Or refuse to believe that it wasn't my fault all along.

I'm terrified of losing even more people I love. 

But if they choose the side of the one who stole my innocence,

Did they ever really love me at all? 

Author's Note

Thank you for reading this, I apologize if it is upsetting to some.

Reviews

[Hailey Juliet]

This was a very heartfelt poem, very heavy emotion and distress in it. What an awful situation you describe here. Any reader would be heartless not to empathize with what you describe. You have done a very good job of demonstrating the raw and deep cutting hurt associated with the experiences related in this poem. This is difficult poetry to read; challenging art to behold, but valuable, very valuable. Well done and thank you for sharing!

[Photographymama921]

Thank you for reading! I appreciate your feedback!