Saying Goodbye

I am standing at the edge of a cliff, staring at the dark abyss beneath me, wondering what it would feel like to jump. Would it be like flying? Or would it feel too much like giving up? I study the question clinically and can find no logical answer. Just as I’m about to find out for myself, the scene vanishes, and I’m left staring at the immaculate white ceiling of Nathan’s apartment. I am mildly surprised to find my heartbeat racing, as if in silent mutiny to the vision of death in my dream.

 

I sit up and am assailed by the wave of emotions that crashes all over me. It is an emotional vertigo and for a moment, I almost want to die just so I can forget it all. I pull the wreckage that I am together though and remind myself that having a breakdown is not an option today. You see, it’s the day of farewell; it’s the day of his funeral.

 

I had never imagined that I would have to live in a world where Nathan doesn’t exist. Never thought that I might one day have to attend his funeral service. But if I had, I would have failed to imagine the intensity of grief that threatens to tear me ragged. I’m focusing so hard on keeping my feelings in check that people’s faces look blurred to me, their condolences a mere low litany compared to the ringing in my head. I feel nauseous and the floor seems to tilt, and all that’s left is blackness.

 

When I get conscious next, I find myself surrounded by people looking over at me anxiously and pityingly. I am embarrassed at having done this, ruining his funeral like this. Can I never do anything right? I almost want to cry at the unfairness of it all, his death, and my inability to behave appropriately. Nathan’s mother comes to me as everyone finally moves.  Her eyes are blazing with anger and hurt and I can tell she dislikes me as much as she ever did.

 

“Did you have to do the fainting act Jennifer?” she hisses.

“I’m-I’m sorry Mrs. Walter. “ I mumble, too drained to face her rage.

“Perhaps you should go home. We can take care of everything here. Heaven forbid we should need your help.”

I argue with her quietly, trying to avoid another scene, but before I know it, I’ve been escorted off the premises by one of Nathan’s many cousins. I am bewildered by his family’s callousness. I was never good enough for their golden boy, but this is too much. I’ve failed to say goodbye to the only man I’ve ever loved, and all I can do is sit in the car and howl.