The Beginning of End

A Chapter by Phoenix247

The rays of sunshine falling through the window wake me up rudely and prematurely. For a moment, I cannot remember where I am or why my eyes feel sore and heavy. The moment of sweet oblivion is short-lived and with a jerk, yesterday’s event flood into my memory and I feel like I’ve lost it all again. Lost the best part of my life all over again. I want to cry, rant, rage, do anything but sit and stare at space, waiting for the pain in my soul to go away. But it doesn’t. I find myself unable to breathe properly, like I’ve got a bad cold, and I wonder if I should go back to sleep and to the blissful forgetfulness that comes with it. But the onslaught of memories is brutal and I am lost, the present drowning in the waves of the past and my head is full of one person- Nathan.

I can still see every detail of his face when I close my eyes. The dark brown eyes that warmed and beamed every time he saw me, the slight smirk on his lips, the way he laughed like he just couldn’t hold it in. The memory is so sharp, so tangible that I almost reach out to run my hand through his chaotic sandy hair, but I shake my head and open my eyes. The sitting room greets me blankly and coldly, all its warmth gone with its master. I must have fallen asleep on the couch, too drained to make it to the bed. I need to do something, anything to stop my hands from shaking, and I decide to take a bath. The bedroom’s door looms large at me, like some gate to hell, but I steel myself and push it open. The onslaught of sensations is overwhelming, chilling and for the third time in two days, my heart breaks again.

His sweats are strewn over the bed, towel thrown down in a corner, socks balled underneath the chair and papers scattered all over and for once, I feel no urge to pick up after him. Instead, I want to put this room in a glass cage, and never let anything touch it again, because it is the only part of him left on this planet. With dry eyes, and a full soul, I move inside and the faint smell that is eau de Nathan assaults my senses. I feel the mad urge to sit here and let it settle into every pore of my body, but I resist it and make my way to the bathroom.

Throughout the day, many such moments come my way. Oddly enough, I don’t weep. But that’s probably because my quota of tears is long depleted. I also don’t eat. In fact, just thinking about food makes me want to retch. The morning I spend deciding whether I should stay in his apartment or move to a hotel. It’s not a hard decision to make. Finding little signs of him is anguish, but there is a savage pleasure in the pain, and I am unable to let go. So I spend the day looking for Nathan, touching his things, and by the time night falls, I’ve almost convinced myself that yesterday wasn’t real and that any moment now, he’ll walk in through the front door, exhilarated at finding me here.

The clock ticks, I stare at the door, willing it to open, but some time during our staring match, I fall asleep. The oblivion is mine again.

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