We don't live here, anymore.

You were crawling on your hands and knees;

You pulled your body across the fresh, white sheets

And you began to whisper lies that made our stomachs turn,

For there were things in this world that were once worth more than

A few casual glances and,

“Darling, I just went to buy smokes.”

 

I followed your gaze which fell to the floor

Turning onto my side,

My body sank into the white sheets that knew

Who you once were

My mumbles muffled against the static of the television,

“Love, you don’t smoke, anymore…”

 

You drowned yourself in the sheets;

You were laying on your side and you turned your back to me

And you began to hum quietly to yourself

Because the nights you used to sing to me are but a dream

Those nights once meant more

To who we once were.

Author's Note

It took me a while to write the last stanza and to be honest, I wish it was better.
But. it is what it is.

Reviews

[J. Alfred Prufrock]

this is very good; you have a strong compelling voice. how old are you? just curious. you use visuals very well to pull your reader along. think about experiementing with cumulative sentences sometime, it will improve your flow; and count syllables when considering your meter, not words. this is a smart, sophisticated style. you have a natural ability to paint a picture with your words, that is the mark of effortless intuition. you can count me as a fan.

prufrock

[Laura Harrison]

This is such an incredible write! Good job :)

[Lucifer Jones]

It's done very well... it does seem to stumble on verbiage... but I honestly believe that only enhances the awkward emotion, the ache and loss of intimacy, once yours alone, that is so honestly and openly conveyed. Beautifully done.

[ValyrieKiennan]

Surprisingly well-written, bravo. I would suggest some phrasing changes however. This piece has tremendous beauty, but I feel it is slightly hidden by excess verbiage. Much like a tree in need of pruning, in fact. For example, the opening stanza would read much more elegantly if you removed some of the "you" words.

You crawled on your hands and knees,
pulling your body across the fresh, white sheets.
And you began to whisper;
lies that made our stomachs turn.
There were things once worth more than
a glance and
a "darling, I just went to buy smokes".

Something along those lines. Keep up the excellent writing!

[Sami Khalil]

"Because the nights you used to sing to me are but a dream

Those nights once meant more



To who we once were."

Nice....:)..........................

[Azure Montessa (Blue)]

This is honestly very well-written. You injected just enough dose of sadness. I am a fan of tragedy and unhappy endings so this one impressed me so much! *Library*

[Chris]

Actually the last one is very well placed and really quite near a stand-by-itself work. I do believe I would get the same "understanding" just from viewing the last stanza. And the title is well chosen.

[Inda]

I like the last line, adds melancholy to the piece. I love how this is almost like a story, great job!

[dillonjensen]

I think the last stanza is the best part, to be honest. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem, and I applaud your creativity in how you chose to write it. It's always neat to see what people can do with free verse. Well done, miss.