Part 5- Losing "It"

A lot goes on as Chloe still tries to find happiness, forgiveness and escaping the darkness inside of her. A lot of loss occurs in the family both emotionally and physically.

After my mom’s death I completely lost it. I couldn’t sleep and I was constantly angry. I was angry at the world for taking away the most important person in my life. I know that I grew up with both my parents but I just always felt a deeper connection with my mother. She was my rock. Letting go of that was going to be very difficult.

Today I was at home with all my daughters Beyonce (20) Nikki (16) and Sade who was now 25 years old and still living with us (Thanks to a little persuasion). Blue had recently turned 4 and so far he enjoyed every minute of it. Ben and I were in the lounge with everyone, Tyler and Sade had something big to tell the whole family:

 

Sade- Well mom, dad, we have something to say

Tyler- Yeah, we know that Lidia just turned 2 and we got married

Sade- Well, we thought it was time we told you guys something huge

Nikki- What! Would you stop beating around the bush and just tell us already?

Sade (Giggles) �" Okay, bare in mind that this doesn’t change anything…well, it does actually

Tyler- We’re old enough to be doing this and-

Chloe- Would you get to the point!

Tyler and Sade- WE’RE PREGNANT!

And with that I got up feeling a bit dizzy, hit my head on our glass table and passed out. I could hear Nikki and Beyonce screaming and Ben trying to wake me up! Everything just happened so fast.

 

I slowly opened my eyes to a very blinding light above my head. For a second I thought I was in heaven! I could feel Sade’s hand in mine and as I looked at her I saw she was crying. I tried talking to her but she rushed out to tell the doctor. Dr Wayne walked in with a very stern look on his face:

 

Sade- Is she going to be okay?

Dr Wayne- Well Sade, it seems your mom has suffered a very minor heart attack

Sade- She also hit her head pretty badly

Dr Wayne- Just a minor bruise nothing serious. At her age, she shouldn’t be stressed that much

Sade- My grandmother died so she’s taking it pretty badly

Dr Wayne- Well that type of stress isn’t good for the baby!

Sade- Baby? What baby? She never told me anything about a baby

Dr Wayne- Sade your mom is a few weeks pregnant now. Didn’t you know?

Sade- No! Are they gonna be alright? Did anything happen to the baby?

Dr Wayne- No, but to make sure we’ll keep her in here to run a few more tests. Just to be safe!

It’s true! I was 3 weeks pregnant. I kept it from Ben and the rest of the family because I was afraid. I don’t know what I was afraid of but I was just scared of telling them about my baby. Something about being pregnant with this baby didn’t feel right. I just felt the need to keep it a secret.

I stayed in hospital for another week before I could go back home. When I came back, it just didn’t seem right. I felt out of place and I could sense tension in my own house. Had Sade told them about the baby while I was gone? I didn’t know what to think.

I felt it was only right to call another family meeting to tell everyone about my pregnancy. Relief filled my soul when everyone reacted positively. Better than I had anticipated actually.

 

Ben was the most excited since we’d spoken about having another baby before my mother’s passing. After I told the kids about the baby they all disappeared. Sade had to go for her routine check up with Lidia and Tyler, Nikki and Beyonce went shopping with Blue. I was left with Ben. He sat me down when he saw how depressed I looked:

 

Ben- You shouldn’t be stressing out babe. You’ve done this 5 times already hey

Chloe- Yeah well I guess all that experience went out the window at the hospital

Ben- The doctor told me there was something wrong. You didn’t eat, or even speak to anyone

Chloe- I’m not in a good space to talk!

Ben- Keep in mind you’re carrying our baby

Chloe- Wow, so you only care about this baby hey? What about me?

Ben- I didn’t say that! I just want you to take care of yourself and the baby

Chloe- No Ben! I’m tired of you guys treating me like a baby!

Ben- Wait? Where’s all this coming from? What’s wrong with you?

Chloe- Me! That’s what’s wrong!

I stormed out of the house and went straight to my car. As I drove off I saw Ben trying to chase after me. Tears in my eyes I drove for what seemed to be forever. I didn’t know what had gotten in to me. Why was I angry? What WAS wrong with me? All those questions, I couldn’t answer. I thought back at my relationship with Marshall and how he made me felt. But that pain wasn’t close to how I felt this very moment. I found myself driving all the way to the correctional services where Marshall was held.

As Marshall walked towards me he looked very surprised to see me. I myself was shocked to see how much he had aged. I didn’t even recognize him. He sat across me and looked me straight in the eye and I could feel it burning my eyeballs. He always had that look in his eyes, even when he was sincere. He always had a dark feel about him. Maybe that was the reason why I couldn’t see the affection in his eyes:

 

Chloe- How are you?

Marshall- I’m okay, how are you holding up?

Chloe- Not good, I have a lot of things stressing me out. I had a heart attack!

Marshall- Wow, is it that bad?

Chloe- Yeah, it even harmed my baby. I’m pregnant. Baby number 6

Marshall- Wow, you know 6 is our favorite number…unless you changed yours

Chloe- No, I still love the number 6.

Marshall- So why are you actually here Chloe?

Chloe- I need you to be honest. Did you ever love me?

Marshall (Deep breath) �" Yes!

Chloe- Why did you act like an a*s instead of telling me that you loved me?

Marshall- Maybe I’ll be able to give you a straight answer when you wake up.

I was suddenly woken up by small beeping noises. Then I realized that I was back in hospital but this time my body ached badly. I felt my head and could only touch a very thick bandage. I looked in the mirror next to me and saw that my face was all bruised up, I had cuts everywhere. As I started to cry Ben walked in to comfort me. I didn’t know how or why I was in hospital but I was glad Ben was there with me. All I kept saying was “I’m sorry, I love you Ben” but he kept me quiet.

He kissed my forehead, brushed my bruised cheek and said “I know, I love you too” then he left. I noticed that he had tears in his eyes, was he really that worried about me? I fell into a deep sleep afterwards then I woke up again when I heard Lidia’s voice (She‘s 2 already, growing too fast) Sade and Tyler were also there talking to the doctor and I could see by their expressions that it wasn’t good news. Sade looked sad when she came back in the room to talk to me:

 

Sade- How are you holding up?

Chloe- Not well, what did the doctor say?

Sade- Uhm, I’d rather talk about you. Dad told me you had a bad dream

Chloe- It was about me and it wasn’t a nightmare, I was dreaming about Marshall

Sade- How is that not a nightmare?

Chloe- Nothing, he told me a lot of things. I need to go speak to him

Sade- Mom no, you know what he does to you!

Chloe- I need to talk to him…wait! How did I get here?

Sade started to panic, I could see it in her eyes she had something to hide. She ran out and left me there to figure it all out. I had a lot of unanswered questions in my head.

It had been a week in hospital and still no answers. I refused to eat or talk to anyone. I was in a bad space again and the only person I wanted to talk to was the person who ruined my life in the past. The nurse mentioned nothing about the baby so I assumed everything was fine until the doctor came in with my husband and a therapist one day:

 

Doctor- This is Linda, she’s here to talk to you Chloe

Chloe- Hi, what’s going on Ben? When can I go home?

Ben- Soon, listen to Linda honey

Linda- I heard you were in a domestic relationship Mrs Martin, with Mr Mathers correct?

Chloe- Yes but it was 5 years ago. I don’t think I understand why you’re here Linda

Linda- You were screaming here when I first saw you. Shouting out his name!

Chloe- I’m fine, I just need to go talk to him!

Ben- Why?

Chloe- I just need to speak to him Ben. I’m fine trust me!

Linda- But we’re not finished. How do you feel about your loss?

As she said it I knew it was over. My baby was gone! Ben got up to comfort me but I backed away from him and stormed out. I ran to the parking lot and saw my car. I felt a cold drop run down my spine then it all made sense. I was in a car accident! But how did it happen? I sat next to my car (Still in my hospital robe) and started to sob. Ben ran to me and put his strong arms around me. He kept whispering to me “It’s gonna be okay babe. Everything is gonna be fine” I didn’t know what was going on but I knew something was up. I asked Ben to take me to see Marshall and after saying no countless times he finally agreed.

When I first saw Marshall, it felt like a dream. I couldn’t help but feel sort of relived but at the same time angry. What was he going to say? What was going to be his reaction?

 

Marshall- What’s the matter? Why are you here…and why are you in a hospital robe?

Chloe- I’m so glad to see you! I’m sorry for everything I did to you!

Marshall- No Chloe, if anyone’s sorry here it’s me!

Ben- Damn right!

Marshall- I finally realized what I was doing to you! I saw a therapist about it. It’s just that (Starts crying) I’ve never met someone who sincerely loved me for me and I guess I didn’t want to lose that. I didn’t know how to express my love for you in the beginning.

Chloe- Then why didn’t you talk to me? I thought you never loved me…did you?

Marshall- I still do! I didn’t want to lose you! It’s just that, I’d never had someone that loved me before

Chloe- I know, you told me about your parents. But why cheat?

Marshall- I thought you didn’t love me and I thought you were cheating first!

Chloe- But didn’t you trust me?

Ben- That’s not fair, making her feel bad for what YOU did to HER!

Marshall- I know what I did is unforgivable but after talking about it I finally realized it was bad. I’m very sorry Chloe and if you can ever find it in your heart to forgive me then…

Ben- Babe don’t fall for his bullshit again. Let’s go!

Chloe- yes, I forgive you. But I’m not the one you should be apologizing to

Marshall- I sent Sade and the girls numerous letters but they didn’t reply. I’ve been keeping count of their birthdays. I can’t believe it’s been so long (Cries even more)

I left Marshall after that. I know forgiving him is crazy but somehow I felt really better afterwards. Ben on the other hand thought I was going crazy. He left me back at the hospital to talk to Linda but I refused to be treated like a crazy person. Therapists are meant for crazy people and I wasn’t crazy! I just missed my mom at that point in my life; this was indeed an all time low!

After 2 days of not cooperating with Linda the doctor decided to take me home. When I went back I saw that everyone was very down. They weren’t used to me being like this; to be honest I also wasn’t used to this side of me. Ben and Tyler made me food but I just couldn’t eat! I needed to talk to Sade. I waited till everyone was gone:

 

Chloe- Hi baby. How are you?

Sade- I should be asking you that, but I’m fine. How are you?

Chloe- I’m fine, I spoke to Marshall

Sade- Ben told me, why did you do that?

Chloe- Why not? I mean, I couldn’t stand holding a grudge

Sade- Yeah but I think you forgot what he did to you…TO US!!

Chloe- But you can’t hate your own father

Sade- Don’t you say that! My father wouldn’t do that, no father does that

Chloe- I know, but you can’t hate him for so lo-

Sade- I’ve been doing fine mother! Why the f**k would I ever consider forgiving him?

Chloe- I can’t let you ruin your life. I’m not saying forgive…I just want you to talk

Sade- Why? I can’t even look him in the eye

I felt the room spinning! My whole body was numb and I couldn’t see straight. I sat back down on Sade’s bed and said “Like it or not, he’s your father! I know that forgiving him is a little hard but I just need you to hear him out. This isn’t going to stop eating you up inside till you talk to him and until then, you’ll be bitter and you’ll never find peace in your heart” as I told her that I could feel my heart throbbing out of my chest. My body was giving up on me. Was I dying? Sade called for help but I told her I was fine. I managed to wobble my way to my bedroom and tossed my whole body on the bed. I then fell into yet another deep sleep.

             2 Days Later…

I woke up again to find Blue lying on top of me smiling. Like he was glad to see me, I smiled back at him and gave him a big hug. Sade walked in with Lidia and Blue left. She had a smile on her face, like she was happy. Not her normal happiness but a sense of relief. She gave me a big kiss and asked how I was doing:

 

Chloe- I’m fine now, why are you so happy?

Sade- I went to talk to Marshall yesterday. I thought about it long and hard

Chloe- See, I told you you’d be happy. So what now?

Sade- I don’t know. He’s being released in a month so I’ll see from there

Chloe- I’m so glad Nikki and Bee don’t remember him. I’d rather keep it that way

Sade- But they know that Ben isn’t our dad

Chloe- I’ll tell them when the time is right. I don’t want to rush things now.

I went downstairs to make lunch and saw Tyler and Ben outside playing soccer with Blue and the dog. I was glad that my family didn’t dwell on what happened to me. I decided to make lunch for everyone, all their favorites. I called Nikki and Beyonce and I even had Lidia sitting with us around the table.

It was good to finally have my whole family around me and everyone back to their old selves again. Beyonce was also happy to see me smile and laugh because apparently my “Mood” was messing with her ora.  She was going hippie now.

After lunch I sat down with Tyler and Sade and told them that I’d pay for their house once they moved out and they were ecstatic. I realized that the only way to be happy about Sade moving out was to let her go. I wasn’t going to let my insecurities ruin her life and stop her from living her own life. she kept asking if I was sure, I actually wasn’t but I wasn’t gonna tell her that. Next on my agenda was to deal with my “loss” but I didn’t go to a therapist…I went bungee jumping with Ben and Tyler! We were fine now and I was ready to move on!

 

                   *The End*

Author's Note

Part 5 is already out and I'd really appreciate your honest opinions about it hey!
I changed the font so that it doesn't look funny and wobbly.
Do enjoy...looking forward to your reviews....

Reviews

[Angelique]

This was sad and very tragic the whole car accident wow terrifying. I am glad that things kind of worked out in the end though and I do hope that she will be able to finally move on from everything that has taken place.

I like the way you did change the font but the bold takes your eye focus a bit away from the other writing while reading it just something to keep an eye on in future. Makes the reader a bit confused a bit. A nice read though :)

[Aphy!]

Thanx, Glad u liked/enjoyed it. And I'll take note of all that in future

[Johnny]

wow well the story is quite heavy.. Im not really a fan of stories that involve blood and physical tragedies.. I could not connect with how sade spiraled from the joy of having a child to being so emotionally unstable and having it lead to a car accident.. perhaps if sade had a miscarriage scare(dont know i that is possible) then that would cause pressure and insecurity to foment and reasonably could lead her to crash her car.. I had trouble keeping track of who said what.. I have seen your other work and it is very good but this piece does not seize me... sorry :(

[Aphy!]

It's cool. Really appreciate you stopping by and sharing your opinion hey. Sorry you didn't like it...