The Secret

Amy brought an armload of groceries from the car to the side door, her keys clenched between her teeth. She paused, thinking about how to open the door when it magically creaked and a shaft of yellow light pierced the relative dim. Richard smiled from within and grabbed one of the bags as he leaned in to kiss her flush cheek. He is a good man, she thought. I don't love him but he is a good man.

These dueling realities were impossible to reconcile and so she never tried. Giving a problem a name is a very good way to begin solving it but it is also a very good way of admitting it to be a problem. Amy did not like to admit she had any problems. Neither did Richard, however, she doubted he was actually aware of any problem. If he was, he would certainly give it a name and promptly go about solving it. It was an admirable trait and Amy hated it about him, so easy to move from task to task, moment to moment. Gleefully accepting all challenges as opportunities. Amy did not welcome challenges. She had lived long enough and worked hard enough to put challenges in the rear view. Often, when they were driving home from some event or shopping trip he would take a meandering rout to catch a glimpse of the lake or mountains. Amy refused to give the distasteful sensation she felt at this inefficiency a name.

"I saw Robert at the gym today," he offered. " Linda wants to have us over for dinner this week sometime."

 "Sounds good. Let's do Thursday. I can leave work early." 

She hated Linda. Actually hated the woman, so pleasant and attentive. Amy doubted she had any thoughts or emotions outside of "thrilled". Robert she didn't mind, not at all. He was not pleasant or attentive. He was, for lack of a better phrase, self-centered. He was bossy and unaware of the feelings of others. She did not know exactly why this was a turn-on for her. These are not popular attributes in the world of romance but there was something about his severity, his overbearing sense of self worth. The way he forced Linda to bow to his will without a single thought of her comfort or opinion. He was the opposite of Richard's easy go-along, get-along vibe. Robert, she thought somewhat schoolgirlishly, was a man! She would go to dinner Thursday, suffering Linda's ridiculous sunshinery and manage to sit to Robert's right and steal glimpses of him chewing thoughtlessly on a mouthful of steak. She might even offer up a silly opinion on politics or world events just to have him dismiss it as simple-minded. She would feign bashful acquiescence, demuring to his masculine righteousness. Amy was not a simple woman and she was certainly not without her own strong opinions, but she certainly didn't mind the idea of a little cosplay. The thought so moved her that she instantly grabbed Richards hand and began leading him into the bedroom, leaving the groceries unattended and him with an undeserved feeling of irresistibility.

The act itself was just ok, but the secret... now that was something! She'd never thought about anyone else while f*****g Richard, though she'd never really thought about him either. When it was over Richard took a shower and Amy smoked a cigarette in the garage. Richard did not know Amy smoked. How could he not know that she smoked? Robert would certainly know. 

And he would forbid it!

Perhaps he would permit just one.

If she's been particularly good.

"What the F**K am I doing?" She muttered into the shadows of the carport, to no one in particular.

                                                                                ________

And so the weekend came to a close. In the three days that followed Richard was surprised and delighted to get laid each evening with absolutely no suspicion as to the motive. Amy found herself absorbed by preoccupation. She left work early Monday to go shopping for something spicy to wear to dinner. She found a particularly enticing scent and a thin gold necklace that fell gracefully down between her cleavage. None of this would be alarming or suspicious to her husband but she opened a new credit card just to enhance the fantasy anyway. She even wore a scarf and large sunglasses to the mall as if to conceal her identity.

After work Tuesday Amy met a co-worker for happy hour. They chatted about work and mutual friends for awhile. The conversation arced and fizzled out several times as if fighting some invisible resistance determined to take control. The co-worker was friendly but not a friend. They had shared small parts about their lives but nothing terribly personal. Amy thought she could be the perfect outlet for her little game. After two drinks she gained enough confidence to lean in tight and make eye contact. Her colleague seemed confused about the meaning of this gesture.

She spoke in a low register, barely a whisper, "Lynne, can you keep a secret?"

The effect was just as she'd hoped. Lynne's eyes widened and she grinned between sips if her margarita. Then she straightened up, forcing a somber look that implied, indeed, Lynne is your trusted confidant! Lynne is the place where secrets go to die! For GOD'S SAKE, WHAT IS THE SECRET?? 

Amy let the moment linger, thoroughly enjoying the intrigue. Lynne set her drink down nervously wiping condensation from the glass, it dripped down her finger and she thoughtlessly wiped it on her blouse.

"I mean it Lynne. Can I trust you with a secret?"

"Yes, of course. You're killing me with curiosity! What is it?" Lynne was practically hovering above her barstool at this point and Amy knew she had her hooked!

After a much too long pause, she finally continued, "I'm having an affair."

Lynne emitted a squeal so high-pitched, at such a frequency that a nearby kennel employee had to double check if a raccoon had found its way among the agitated dogs. At the harbor an aging oceanographer became convinced she had finally made interspecial contact with a pilot whale. A local musician suddenly discovered the hot new sound that all artists would be imitating for the foreseeable future. And, to Amy, it was the sound of ecstatic gossip reception. Sure, it wasn't true but it was a deliciously satisfying possibility! 

She leaned back and allowed a calm grin to occupy her face, saying nothing for a long moment. You've got her hooked, Amy thought, now gently reel her in. To complete the fishing analogy, Lynne made no struggle, practically leapt into the boat!

"Who!? Is it Jeff from accounting? Henry?..." She went on with a half dozen more names as she ticked down the list of male employees, single or otherwise.

Amy's smile only broadened. "No, it's nobody from work. It's a friend's husband, his name is Roberto. She wasn't sure why she'd altered his name. Perhaps for some form of deniability. Perhaps for flare.

"Roberto! Sounds spicy! How did it happen?" she finished her drink ad ordered another round for them. This was too good! "Details please!"

Amy had not thought through the lie far enough to have a compelling origin story but she was pretty good at thinking on her feet and Lynne was not exactly a detective, she'd believe anything she was told at this point. Best to swing for the fences.

She tapped her painted fingernails on the glass table and began, "Have you ever seen that movie 'Indecent Proposal'?

"Yes! Oh my god, is Roberto a millionaire?" Lynne wriggled girlishly in her seat, as if bracing herself for a powerful attack from across the table. One hand was literally gripping the table.

"No, well maybe but not like super wealth, just normal wealthy. It's not that. We were watching that movie. Roberto and his wife Belinda (more codenames) came over Last week and we all ended up having wine and sitting on the couch. Halfway through the movie Richard and Belinda fell asleep. We had been sitting in a row and Roberto and I were right next to each other. We didn't speak, just made eye contact acknowledging the situation and then we went back to watching. But the next thing I know I feel something graze my thigh. I didn't dare look down but I was pretty sure it was intentional. I didn't want to ruin it either way, I just sat there trying to control my breath. 

"There is was again! a little higher this time and lingering as if to say, yes, this is real."