Cover Letter

February 9, 1957

Morris D Rouff

Hiring Manager/"Creator"

Formula 409 Corporation

1522 E. Graves Rd.

Transyltucky, Ma.

Greetings,

My name is Count Viktor Clorox IV and I am applying or, rather reapplying for the position of Chief Scientist for the newly named Formula 409 Corporation. I had previously believed I would naturally continue under the same job title, or a promoted title once I'd made the all important discovery of the 409th version of my product on that cloud-obscured night in 1891. Apparently I was the only one who thought as much.

Clearly I was premature in my announcement to the Board of Directors that the addition of the irradiated obsidian stone had no effect upon Formula 408. It simply took some time for the elements to combine completely. And they did combine. 

Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that the Board Of Directors believed I had perished in the ungodly explosion that immediately preceded the safe bonding of the elements which make up Formula 409. Indeed, I too thought myself dead for several hours as I stumbled, dazed from the massive shock-wave which leveled nearby forests and partially collapsed the sea-cave laboratory. I found myself unable to focus directly on any shapes which passed, ghostly in and out of my field of view. Sounds emanated from no discernible source and strange waved rings flung toward and past me and I knew without knowledge that they were the vibrating strings that make up all of space and time.

With each uncertain step I was walking not forward in direction, but forward in time while leaping across locations in space. I know this sounds far-fetched, Mr. Rouff but in the hours or days I staggered, I witnessed all the great revelations of the burgeoning new world yet to come. And all of it the direct, or indirect cause of the invention of Formula 409. Yet, somehow These future events all seemed to be the direct or indirect cause of Formula 409. A circular creation in which all things are the cause and effects of themselves. 

What I am trying to relay is this, in the moment before the Formula settled into its current stable and consumer-ready household cleaner, I sat at my chemical-burned desk poring over my research and a hissing sound drew my attention. A greenish glow emanated from the experiment chamber and a sudden and horrifying tearing sound seemed to imply that something I'd always taken for granted was being ripped apart. I believe it caused a rift and set off an ever-repeating, ever changing time-loop spanning from 1891 to the future year 2020!

I experienced a World War, another World War and in between the two, a Great Depression. All was bleak and dirty and nowhere was my miracle cleaning elixir to be found. Nowhere did I look where sadness and disease were not prevalent. 

And then one day in 1957, something changed. A "new" product was revealed, a product that would revolutionize household and industrial cleaning forever. A formula 409, as fate would have it. I wonder, Mr. Rouff, wherever did you get the name for your product? No, don't insult me with an answer. I have been time's lonely wanderer and have seen the future, your future. OUR future. I do not know how you found my research nor how your primitive mind might have deciphered my complex work, and it does not matter. What matters is the future, Morris.

In the many decades to come you and I will have taken this caustic cleanser and inserted it into every corner of commercial life. 409 shall be synonymous with immaculate, all powerful and essential! You will spin a yarn of your beautiful wife who's birthday is April the Ninth, thus 4-09! And I will let you. Yes, I will work quietly behind the scenes pulling the strings and innovating for our complete domination of the household cleaning aisle at the Safeway! And you will take all the glory and colegial esteem, basking in the celebrity you enjoy but certainly do not deserve. There will be other women, too many to count. I and my doltish but ever faithful assistant Nigel shall see to it that no one talks. 

For a period of three years we shall work this way and then you will sell the company to one Art Linkletter, a celebrity I have in my personal employ as I possess sexual incrimination on him as well. He will pay $30,000 and lead 409 to a 55% share of the cleaning market but you and I shall be the true beneficiaries. 

I beg, if you are not sitting, now would be the time to do so, for hear comes the proverbial twist! Six years later in 1966, Mr. Linkletter will famously sell our corporation for a unfathomable seven million dollars! And do you know who he will sell it to, Mr. Rouff? Why, a company by the name of Clorox!

Does the name not ring a bell, Morris? Does it not sound vaguely familiar, perhaps from the first line of this cover letter? But I'm sure this is just a coincidence.

Mr. Linkletter will part with one million dollars and the rest will be yours to squander as you will. As for me? I have seen the future, have read the headlines. Even without prognostication I could easily take a product such as this and parlay it into a vast empire. Imagine what my highly tuned mind and ruthlessly unethical desires can create once I have the full power of the Formula at my disposal. I will create a world only to demand it bow down in sheer submission to my absolute and unyielding will! 

How do I know you will hire me? I have already received the acceptance letter and we have already been through the entire process. You have already offered me me three weeks paid vacation. I countered with five and we settled, as we always do, at four.

I urge you to decide quickly. I do not believe your current Chief Scientist comprehends the weapon he childishly handles. I imagine his eyes as the Formula was completed. Eyes that gazed, in complete lack of recognition, just as my doltish but ever faithful assistant Nigel stared into the irradiated obsidian stone so long ago.

Perhaps we will sit around a bottle of scotch and you can tell me how you found my formula and I, in turn will tell you about the more distant future. The game is afoot, Mr. Rouff. Your move.

I am also proficient in Quickbooks and Powerpoint.

As time goes by,

Count Viktor Clorox IV

Official Applicant

Chief Engineer

Formula 409

Reviews

[Myra Fellows]

Interstellar...meets Mr. Clean...mixed with Matthew McConaughey as Doc from "Back to the Future"....
I believe we may like similar movies....
Clever.
-Myra