Letter Of Assurance

Dear concerned parents of prospective campers,

Many of you have reached out over the past week seeking to cancel your children's sleep-away vacations to Camp Crystal Lake. While I understand your reticence to send your loved ones away to a summer camp where every last one of the Early-Summer session's campers died, presumably murdered by an ax wielding madman, I think it's important to look at this situation objectively.

It is my belief that several, if not most of the deaths can easily and conveniently be attributed to other factors besides the emotionless and ever-stalking Jason Vorhees.

The Deer-tick population has spiked this summer and many other camps, not just Crystal Lake, have experienced a sharp rise in Lymes Disease related ailments such as rashes, irregular heartbeat, sudden loss of all the blood, neatly severed ears and numbness of arms and legs. Rest assured, we have taken all necessary precautions to prevent infection from Lymes Disease, including mosquito netting around open-air cabins. We have also dug deep tiger pits around the campground in foolishly optimistic hopes of capturing the Deer-ticks before they reach the helplessly slumbering or freshly sexually awakened youths, who might pause their frustrated lovers and say, "Did you hear that?" 

"No," will be the reply. "All I can hear is my heart telling me it wants you. Wait! I definitely heard that! I'll be right back."

And he WILL come back, because the Deer-tick was halted by a tiger pit before it could methodically disembowel one in front of the other. They will then be free to continue gaining that all-important carnal knowledge that is the basis for all future relationships.

We have also changed the timing of our famous nature walks to well after midnight, when the Deer-tick slumbers, fitfully twitching and reliving the endless nightmare of being left to drown so many lifetimes ago. We are also leaving windows and doors open to allow bats, who naturally feed on the ticks, to come and go as they please. I believe these measures may reduce our camp's mortality rate by as much as 10%.

We have also eliminated peanut butter and all other nut related food items from our world-class kitchen, with its many dark nooks, sharp knives and unnecessary and un-lockable (or un-openable) doors. Nut allergies are real and may have significantly affected this year's campers. Nut allergies can sometimes mimic the symptoms exhibited by this season's "unpleasantness", such as tightening of the throat, elevated heartbeat and running through the woods under pale of moonlight, tripping, badly injuring the ankle but continuing to limp before finding the nut be standing mercilessly in front of you! How did it get ahead of you? It didn't! It was eliminated from the menu and we all know that what has been eliminated can NEVER COME BACK!

And there's another 10-15% right there. Are you beginning to feel a little better about your child's chances of survival? I know I am. You know who else is? Sheriff Richter! He's so confident of these new changes that he plans on spending a lot less time patrolling Camp Crystal Lake and catching up on his favorite past-time, falling asleep in his squad car with the window down.

Please update your child's inoculations before sending them off to their much-reduced-risk-of doom. While we have made every effort to eliminate or clearly mark all dangers, our camp is rustic and authentic. That means there are many walls with rusty nails, meat-hooks, fishing harpoons and machetes protruding from them and that means Tetanus! Counselor, Peggy Stevens was found with scrapes all across her arms and back after being dragged into the woods. Investigators deduced from defensive wounds that she was still alive at the time. They disagree, but I suspect it was Tetanus, not decapitation that got her. Rusty nails are no joke, folks and all the screaming, running for your life, pleading for your life, bargaining for your life or even cuddling the nail as if you were its long-lost mother, telling it everything will be alright and that it can go to sleep now, will keep it from pretending to obey before it gently slides one of those famously sharp kitchen knives into your abdomen just to watch the life drain out of you. 

In addition to Tetanus: Measles, Flu, Common Cold and Whooping Cough tore through the camp, severing arms, chopping bodies in half at the waist, and leaving several campers and staff unsuccessfully trying to gather their intestines and shove them back into their stomach cavities. So immunize, people! It literally saves what's left of their lives.

I think we can all agree that we are down to about 50% of deaths NOT being caused by Mr. Vorhees, who lives well off Camp Crystal Lake's property, in a ramshackle cabin filled with dingy mason jars and mobiles made of finger bones. And he definitely does not have a network of tunnels that lead to the cabins where he stares up through the floorboards, breathing as the nubile campers "do what they do" before thrusting a javelin up through the cot kabob-style. Did you know that, in his all-too-brief youth, Jason was an aspiring Decathlete? It really helps explain his strength, endurance and aim.

Last but not least, lets talk about the FBI! That's right, Food Born Illness. Did you know that improperly prepared foods can cause young people's teeth to be strung on an old wire like a necklace? Not only that, under-cooked items such as chicken, pork or Old-Man Paul's jowls can lead to dizziness, vomiting, removal of the eyes, replacement of the eyes into a different corpse and low-grade fever?

This exciting season we've replaced our entire deceased kitchen staff with well trained cooks and prep-cooks who are all equipped with current Health cards and their own quirky and cryptic back-stories. Also, to fight cross-contamination, we have placed open buckets of bleach, ammonia and acids throughout. We also hired a crack-team of cleaners to make sure the kitchen is spic-and-span when your youngsters arrive. The cleaning company's owner, a southern millionaire who sounded as if he were sitting back in a leather chair with his cowboy boots on an old mahogany desk, assured me that ev'rythin's takin' care of. When I pressed him on the fact that the team only worked 2 hours and there were at least 4 hours of body parts in the sauce pans and cupboards, he simply replied, "You callin' me a liar, Donald?" I let the issue slide.

I hope this letter finds you well and convinces you that safety has risen from job-3 to job-1 here at Camp Crystal Lake and I look forward to meeting your young princes and princesses for what is sure to be the Summer Of Their Lives, not the Summer To Run For Their Lives (CCL Humor). So pack them plenty of mementos and pepper spray, kiss them one last time and put them on that dilapidated old school bus spewing black poison into the daylight which is bright, but not warm. We'll teach them how to swim and run real fast.

Be assured, we are doing everything we can to win back your trust. And we're doin' it CCL style.  We already have your deposits. I promise you won't recognize what comes home in a month.

Sorry in advance,

Don Wayne Gacy,

Proprietor and Head Councelor

Crystal Lake Adventures LLC