Community Calendar

Saturday morning the local Boy's and Girl's Club is holding a charity car and brain wash.  Proceeds will go to a certain politician who may, or may not have gotten drunk and swam naked in the town hall wishing fountain.  Participation in the car and brain wash is purely volunteer and citizens are reminded that volunteering is mandatory.  Also a grouping of low-flying bats has recently moved through the town and painted our vehicles in a whitish guano-spackle.  So double the  incentive.  So many terribly uncomfortable memories to be painfully stripped from our constantly scoured minds.  Girls will wear short-shorts!

Friday night is the 5th, or 6th annual Horror Movie buy-back event at the police station.  Just grab any horror movies you may have stashed away in your VCRs or ice chests, or panic-rooms, place them into a brown paper bag and bring them down to the station.  Only a few brief but deeply personal questions asked.  Minors and the old alike will be glad to be rid of these pointless reminders of what lay just beyond your bedroom window, lurking, waiting, hungering and finally, DEVOURING AND POSSESSING!  This marks the 3rd, or 4th anniversary of the 5th, or 6th annual Horror Movie buy-back event.

Sunday from 9am until midnight the previous day, Old-Man Paul will be hosting a basement sale.  There will be great deals on wood-carving tools, art supplies, near perfect condition vintage crypto-currency and all of the things he has pulled back from the Void while drunk... including a shrunken earth-like planet that looks like a volleyball, an ancient Egyptian surgury kit bearing the name of King Dremmel and of course, the Cursed Chalice he pulled back from the Void just last friday.  Old-Man Paul lives at the very end of one of our many roads.  Bring a shovel, go around back and just dig and scream until you've reached the basement.

Monday is "Take Your Work-Spouse Home With You" night!  Yes, it's time to reconcile your work life with your 'real life'.  This may seem uncomfortable, but citizens are encouraged to face the facts.  You can't deny that you have been a certain spouse at work and a completely different one at home.  Very Hot and Very Sharp foods are not recommended.

Wednesday is the local animal adoption agency's effort to find homes for the two black cats that survived Halloween.  Igor and Quasimodo are just two fun loving kittens.  Like most black cats, they love sleeping, eating and can understand and speak Latin.  It is believed that Igor and Quasimodo survived Halloween by forcibly growing wings and pretending to me bats.  These vestigial wings are still present and the adorable pair just love hanging upside down in your closet, chasing mosquitoes and using echo-location.

Friday is also Veterans Day and local veterans would like to invite you to "get in on the action".  They say you don't have to be a veteran, or have fought for your country, or sustained life altering injuries, both physical and emotional.  Just dress up like an army man and start collecting all those "Thank you for your service's".  When reached for comment, the veterans shook their heads and slowly enunciated, "We were being sarcastic!"