On Jealousy

Self: "So, what's on your mind right now?"

Me: "Oh, a whole myriad of things (as always)."

Self: "Anything specific?"

Me: "Well, I guess the topic of jealousy has been rather strongly invading my thoughts as of late."

Self: "Anything you are particularly jealous of, or is it just another philosophical thought process?"

Me: "No, no. It's not exactly either of those things, but it is more closely related to the former."

Self: "Care to elaborate?"

Me: "Not really, but I'll give it a go. *sigh* Well, my "jealousy" borders on a sort of a desire to perform certain amazing feats that I have seen and heard others do. Though, when I look upon those actions with a second glance, I doubt my ability to do so. This is with good reason, though. It's more of a fantasy, a sort of desperation, it would seem. Really, I feel that if can do those things and then act them out, I feel I would receive such praise as those who did it before me. A praise which I have have translated into a love that heals loneliness."

Self: "I'll come back to your final statement, but first I would like you to give me a specific example of this performing of great feats."

Me: "Well, it may be best if I put this into a hypothetical situation and go down form there: Let's say that there was one man who constantly saved the world. No matter what impossible circumstance that was thrown at him, he would always find some way out of it and win the day again. This man was skilled in many things, intelligent beyond comparison, yet a broken and saddened creature nonetheless. Saddened from so much pain and hardship that he endured. He received so much love and praise for his actions. He was adored by all and loved all the more for being true to the human soul. This man, he, he deserved every single bit of praise and love given to him. He fought through the hard times and the losses. He soared through the good. He was the greatest man and everyone saw him for that. 

Now, to downgrade: Here we have a doctor, a man who devoted his life to saving others, ensuring that each patient he came across was treated and healed to the best of his ability. He faced the inevitable death of several patients, and was devastated by each, though he pushed through. He carried on and rejoiced at the successes that happened afterward, seeing that he was truly what he trained to be and that he could prevent death from taking another victim. His patients and their families adore him for saving them. His fellow medical practitioners praise him.

Next we have the soldier: This man trains his body and his mind to the very breaking point. For what? So that he will be prepared for the battles and wars he will be deployed in. There he will fight, not for himself, but for his fellow soldiers and for his country. He will face all odds, think on his feet, and work his hardest to complete his objective. he has faced many of war's horrors, yet he does not dwell on them and become cowardly, instead he forges on on courage His fellow soldiers praise him and love for his work. His commanding officers hold him in high regard. Those he fights for respect him greatly.

We shall downgrade once more: Here we have the athlete. This person trains endlessly in order to improve their skill so that they shall be successful in their area of sports. They willingly work and push their bodies, through the pain of exercise and the pain of injury. They play their hardest against teams who are highly skilled, despite their chances of losing They perform impressively and receive many-a-cheer from the crowd. Their teammates praise and love them. Their coaches push them harder and give them more responsibility and they continue to excel.

Now, I ask you, what quality is it that each of these categories of people and many others like them bear? They all earned their praise. They all earned their love. They all earned their adoration.

In my case I feel stuck, like I could do such things as these, but could I ever do it successfully? Could I do it to where I receive such praise? Maybe, but probably not. I'm stuck in a limbo of where I do not know what to pursue in order to gain such love. I do not know how to earn the adoration of others. I only hope that my trying for it will suffice, but ultimately it won't. I want to be known and loved, not unknown and unloved.

I've attempted to pursue certain things that I was passionate about and fairly skilled in, but even then...hardly anything or even nothing at all. I shout in my head, 'Look at me! I exist! I can do things to! Don't ignore me! Please...don't...not again.'Then I see people like those I described to the best of my ability before and I think, 'Why them? How can I receive such love? What must I do? What must I do to not be alone? Am I truly not good enough?''" 

Self: "Well, what do you think you must do to not be alone?"

Me: "I don't know. If only I did, though...but even then, would it truly work?"

Self: "I do not know, my friend. But then again, you are talking to yourself."

Reviews

[KittyKatgirl]

The things you have said is true. The people who have done amazing things everyone loves them and they get so much praise but they never notice the simplest things. Like if a guy just brings a girl a bunch of flowers it shows that they have the heart to do something nice but they don't get any respect for it. I like the last thing though by Self "I do not know, my friend. But then again, you are talking to yourself." Great chapter Adventicus and I am looking forward to reading more of what's on your mind.

[Aventicus]

Thank you. I may have another one out by this week. I do this kind of thing at my school while sitting in class and decided I would go ahead and post it here.

[KittyKatgirl]

You're welcome and cool

[Aventicus]

This is the beginning of many self dialogues which I plan to post here. This is only the first one, so it may not be very good.