In The Radius Of My Heart, I Could Turn Hard

Softly Standing

In the radius of my heart, I could turn hard,
I know that I think about it, and I stare
like an agoraphobic, so scared, trying not to show it
I try the way, wild geese flying south do, their bills
clamped shut for miles in the sheer glide of open blue
till they can't take it anymore. They have to call out.
They have to open their big geesy mouths, to moan,
to fling out a wild song, about the beauty of it all.
On some days, it is all I can do, to put on my Venus shoes,
to pat out my love like biscuits, to beef up the bones,
of my discontent, because I make it my prerogative
to pretend like all this misery may be heaven sent,
Because my real pain may be, held sadly on the heart's brink,
but really I think, it is just the way that everything went
haywire, when you died, when you stopped breathing. I felt like
I could barely catch my breath, my eyes wet, my wounds open,
and all those memories kept choking, choking me like a knife.
I liked being a wife! But now I am a widow, a weeper,
Pain is a crazy lullaby girl, and I have to sweep her,
under the rug, under the oven, under all those places
that bar access, and to be more exact, I have this wild card.
I have to tell you once again, that I could turn hard.
I don't mean to make a big fuss, I don't usually confront things much,
I have this soft, twisted rope I hold between my hope, and between my teeth,
I keep wanting to meet, whatever man or woman, standing out there,
that might have made it this far, without turning hard.
I want to keep the peach of our love, far away from despair,
and I want to tell my children, Go! Go! I want them to know,
that nobody knows anything, so in the long run, have fun, go far.
I have this beautiful thing, and you might call it a fool proof dream,
but I plan to forgive everyone, for everything, and I plan to sing.
I want to catch that song in mid air, I want it to have angel hair!
I want everyone to have it, and stab it, into their hearts,
try to shove it in there before the blind fear starts, before you turn bitter,
I want you to remember that first glitter, of that first kiss, that first true love
you had, that you don't miss, because now, somehow, you have the song
and joy and trust, and yes, you do what you must, to survive
but you do it right, you help everybody hold everybody tight.
I want us all to be deep petaled roses that open so wide
that all that optimism can climb inside.
I could turn hard, but I brood and vote, not to let death kick me in the throat,
I eat all the green apples and I try to write, so my life, will not mold
into a substitute, or a long stuck note, like my fifth grade flute,
that once only knew ,one lonely tone, that twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, little star song.
But I don't wonder where you are, I know you live above the stars.
I may swell up in my battle scars, but I try to stop despair with a fast smile.
In the radius of my heart, I could turn hard.

Reviews

[James Paulin]

Funny, but as I read this I heard Garrison Keillor reading it to me. I take that as a very good sign of the high quality. This poem is a pinnacle example of internal rhyming orchestrated like phrases in a piece of classical music. Phibby, you are a great writer.

[Shalini Dinesh]

this poem is quite lengthy but still good, the metaphors were excellent and there were few lines which i really alot like
not to let death kick me in the throat,
In the radius of my heart etc...
well written

[holly]

This had me in tears. You reveal yourself here in all your pain and hope and beauty. Too many lovely lines to quote but this one started the flood: "...I don't wonder where you are, I know you live above the stars."

[Madana Dookieram]

i think this poem is funny, sweet & reflective. love it

[deeps]

This is so wonderful I like this alot.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Wow I am blown away with this epic delve into the complexities of the heart in dealing with lost love... all you mixed analogies really do represent just complicated human emotions are... I just love free verse poetry and this is a as free as it gets.

[Rick Puetter]

Dear Phibby,

This is beautiful. A wonderful summary of the human condition. In this case it is your life, but how much we all share. We share losses, frustrations, lack of faith, inspiration, highs and lows. It is what we are. But the most beautiful part of your piece is you undefeatable spirit. It is your wonderful an unfeatable plan:

"I have this beautiful thing, and you might call it a fool proof dream,
but I plan to forgive everyone, for everything, and I plan to sing."

Wonderful. Rarely do we see such strength in poetry. And I can see this is a deep strength that didn't come easy. I can see it is an honest strength that won't leave you. While your poem is certainly different, you words immediately brought to mind another favorite poem of mind, "Invictus". Are you familiar with it? Here it is.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

You've written a wonderful poem, Phibby. My friends know I rarely give a 98 rating on a piece of poetry. A 100 rating is impossible, because no poem is perfect, and I'm researving that 99 rating for that poem that will drop me to my knees in tears. However, your poem is one of the best I have read on WC. My congratulations to you. Highest marks!

Best regards,

Rick

[Bud]

I love the analogy you have used with the geese. Sometimes, we simply have to breathe a deep breath... and that always makes a sound. Excellent piece of Talented work.

[Abhinav]

ah, this is just wonnerful......
soo deep and emotional
an outstanding poem to say the least
excellent:)

Abby

[Emily B]

I don't know what's wrong with that favorite button, or the read request one either, it fails me in the worst times

when I find something like this I want to keep it close, I want people to know that I found it to be worth holding on to . . . it is beautiful Phibby, not emotive, but full of emotion . . . so full it overflows in streams of tears because I know where the words wander from

beautiful

[Sunflower/Sara Kendrick]

Very emotive and expressive write...Keep the creative pen flowing. Sunflower..