in the backwash of a wave

In The Backwash of a Wave

In the back wash of a wave, I reach for your hand.
The ocean returns, time and time again, as though to argue,
as though she is a woman that means to make a point.
You take the stance of listening, because you love fury,
or perhaps you love the ragged wisdom, the way her white hair
crashes on shoulders of sand, that hold firm with salt
or shift with the weight of her whims.
Each morning you are staring into the sea.
Your heart adrift on an island I cannot reach.
I have kicked in the sand castles up and down this beach.
I have thrown her shells back to her from where
they have stranded themselves in a tangle of weeds.
I want nothing now that she has to offer,
She will not return your thoughts to me.

Reviews

[Madana Dookieram]

oh this one is nice too

[Rick Puetter]

Dear Phibby,

Nice one. Ah, so you've lost him to the sea? He is quite and shares no secrets. Yet the sea knows, does she? Stiff competition to go up against that temptress.

Wonderfully written, Phibby. Excellent execution of this most appropriate and extended metaphor. How many of us have lost our thoughts in the sea. I know I have.

Greatly enjoyed. High marks!

Best regards,

Rick

[Sunflower/Sara Kendrick]

Great comparison in this write...Excellent idea in the presentation of your topic...Keep the creative pen flowing. Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my work..Sara

[Creepy Swine Guy]

This calls to mind the old song "Brandy" because I read the lamentations of a woman whose love has eyes not for her ... but for the sea. I like it very much as I can almost smell the salt water and almost see the faraway look in his eyes. My only suggestions are these:

In the title you use the word "Backwash" while in the first line you use "back wash" (two words). I am not smart enough to know which is correct, but it was distracting for me, because it set me to wondering which was right ... instead of enjoying your words.

The other thing was this line ...
"Your heart adrift on an island I cannot reach."
Isn't something adrift on the water? An island is land ... not water. How would ...
"Your heart maroned on an island I cannot reach."
or ...
"Your heart cast onto an island I cannot reach."

... sound to you??? Otherwise I find every word to be perfectly in place.

[Bette]

i love the imagery in this well done.

[Ms. Gruye]

i love your choice of title! I also very much enjoyed your consistent use of metaphor for the sea and the off in the distant "you" don't we all love the fury just a little?

[cest la vie]

Oh Phibby.. as a girl from the shore I feel this so much. And I feel the pain, loneliness, frustration..
My goodness you write such creations of art..

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

I hear the calls of loneliness echo throughout this piece... I find your creative expression of emotions unique and fascinating.

[Adelia Alighieri]

I think this poem had a very edgy style to it. For instance, there were so many stories that came up in my mind as I read it.
Good work. Kudos.

[W.k.kortas]

This is tighly drawn and constructed, even by your standards. There is absolutely no waste here, nothing unnecessary. Just top-shelf work.