John Dean

 

 

John Dean

I asked John Dean what he saw the night he jumped
off the True Baptist church bell.
He stayed up there long enough for the fire fighters
to fling a trampoline, some kind of thing, under him.
And he seemed happy enough that night, in a swan dive,
in a fine leap, with his hands raised & folded like
a prayed up swimmer.
He said he saw the tail lights of a thousand cars,
all of them leaving town, in a straight line.
He said he saw Preacher Barrett in a sports jacket,
and what appeared to be a dozen, black shielded shadows
gathered round a swimming pool & he thought,
damn, that looks small! but he jumped anyway because,
somehow he hated to pass the torch, and set a bad example,
since he was the only one up there, up for the dive.

 

Reviews

[cest la vie]

You have this amazing ability to write an unigue scenario in such short space..
Witty, and so brilliantly written:
"his hands raised & folded like
a prayed up swimmer."

Awesome line!!!

[R.R.Louderback]

I'm not sure what to make of this. It has a verisimilitude that makes me wonder if it is based on a real experience. I found it evocative. I feel some small-town angst here and some of the "quiet desperation" of living a life not worth living.

Your imagery is good and your words well-chosen. There were several phrases that registered strongly with me: "his hands raised & folded like a prayed up swimmer" "He said he saw Preacher Barrett in a sports jacket" "a dozen, black shielded shadows gathered round a swimming pool"'

The only suggestion I would make is that you re-visit the rhythm and consider inserting a metrical plan. There is nothing-absolutely nothing- wrong with the work as it is, but I feel a stronger meter would make your point still more strongly.

[Lilith des Cavernes]

I love this. It's wise and amusing. Well done!

[Ed Hart]

You sure know how to make a guy smile, even at the ghosts...

[Jibey]

Written with amusing sympathy for the jumper - at the same time capturing the images of one flying through the air in a wonderfully revealing manner... ' a fine leap' lol

[W.k.kortas]

It's winsome, charming, borderline magic--but with an undercurrent of uneasiness. Short, but very visual. Endearing and well-built piece of work.