The Not-So-Friendly Feline Proposal

A satirical essay I wrote last year for my english class. Let me know what you think!

 

Ever since my odd experience with a strange outdoor cat, I have always questioned their existence, for lack of a better word. It happened after my family and I had returned from our summer camping trip. We had pulled into the driveway and we began unpacking the truck. Our car doors were open so that we could grab stuff and bring it inside the house. However, when I came out to check the car and make sure we had everything, a big, fluffy, white cat was sitting on the passenger seat. I walked closer, assuming the cat was nice, but it hissed at me. At that point, two thoughts went through my head. The first, “was this cat vicious?”, and the second, “what was this alleged vicious cat doing in my car?”. It was this experience that led me to the question of why people had outdoor cats. Obviously, the cat’s owners were not there to remove it from our car, so I had to do it myself. In my opinion, pets are like children, and they need to be supervised and taken care of. If not, they go around doing things like intruding in other peoples’ cars. This topic of whether cities should allow people to have outdoor cats is a great issue that has always been argued. Many people agree that as long as their outdoor cat has a collar with it’s home number on it, there is nothing wrong with the cat wandering around outside. In my opinion, this makes no sense at all. There is no point in giving these outdoor cats collars because they are not loose by accident; they are out there because their owners let them. It would be a useless attempt to call in every outdoor cat I saw when walking down the street as they would be outside again the very next day. How foolish I would have felt if I had called that white cat’s owner and told them to come get it from my car. However, by looking on the bright side of things, one could see past the fact that outdoor cats are normally destructive, in danger, and useless, and come to the conclusion that owning an outdoor cat is a great idea.

 

            Since we, as humans, love to own useless things, having an outdoor cat is a great idea. Instead of adopting an animal at the zoo, having an outdoor cat is a more rewarding choice. Instead of funding an animal at the zoo, all your money can go into buying food and vaccinations for your cat. You’d be able to see your outdoor cat as much as you would your adopted animal! Owning an outdoor cat is like willingly flushing your money down the toilet, bill by bill, and since that is what many people find rewarding these days, it fits right in. Spending your money on nothing feels great. If you like the feeling of being unappreciated, why not just buy an outdoor cat? After all, it doesn’t love you; it loves the food you give it. Letting your cat outdoors all night is also a great idea, because then you can hear it yowling all night. If the cat’s yowling becomes too much to handle, all you have to do is get out of bed, slip on your shoes and go out and find the cat. Once you bring it back inside, you can bet on your cat’s unhappiness. Once the cat has been outside, it will always want to go back out. Not to worry though, because you can just ignore your cat when it scratches and meows at the door to get out. If you’ve always wanted to own a pet, but don’t have time to give it attention, why not buy an outdoor cat? It doesn’t want to socialize with you at all; it just wants your food. If you are having problems with mice in your house, your cat may not be able to help you there, but at least the cat is hunting the mice outside! And, if you’re lucky, your cat might bring you a small present; a dead mouse on your pillow. It would be a great surprise, and you could reward your cat by allowing it to go out and hunt more mice. As I write this, I am beginning to see the fun of owning a useless, outdoor cat.

 

            A little danger never hurt a cat, which is why owning an outdoor cat is such a great idea. By owning an outdoor cat, we are adding cats to the list of what causes car accidents, along with skunks, squirrels, and birds. Not to worry, however, because if you’re cat gets hit by a car and is killed, there are many more on the streets to choose from. Perhaps your dead cat can be used as a source of nourishment for the family. Just do not tell your kids that they are eating Fluffy. In fact, if more people hit outdoor cats with their cars, this could help feed many people who are in want of food. If you by chance happen to hit a cat, leave a sign next to the body with the words “free cat”, and the next person looking for a good meal can take the meat home and cook it up for dinner. Living on the streets is a tough life for many cats, but considering the fact that all cats used to be wild animals, it is fair to say that they can make it on their own out there. If a cat gets into a fight with another cat, one might lose an ear or something, but nothing that it can’t live without. Living outdoors will give cats a great experience of which animals to come in contact with and which ones to avoid. A cat will soon learn to avoid coyotes, and if they do not learn very quickly, at least they know how to run fast. An outdoor cat’s owner can be satisfied with the knowledge that their cat is learning the lesson that sometimes even a predator can be preyed upon. The subject of ‘street diseases’ for cats is a touchy one. Nonetheless, one must look on the bright side and be consoled by the fact that if their cat were to catch rabies or FIV (the feline version of HIV), then it was meant to be. It is also a comforting thought to know that the cat will only suffer from the disease near the end of it. If your outdoor cat has received rabies, all you need to know is that you can’t let it bite you, else you risk getting the disease yourself. But, since one hardly ever sees their outdoor cat, this should not be a problem. Also, if your cat gets fleas, there is nothing to worry about. In fact, you should be proud because this means that your cat was gracious enough to offer a home to a couple thousand little organisms. If you want to be equally as gracious, just allow your cat to come inside your house, roll around on the carpet and furniture, and then your home will be a home for the fleas as well! Everyone will have a great time scratching every two minutes. Compared to an indoor cat, an outdoor cat’s life span is decreased by ten years because of the alleged dangers a cat faces on the streets, but no one wants to own a ‘fraidy cat. If your cat cannot stand a few years out on the streets, then what good is it? All in all, no matter the danger that threatens an outdoor cat, owning one is more rewarding than not owning one.

 

            There is nothing more invigorating than owning a destructive animal, therefore making owning an outdoor cat the number one prospect for many people. When your cat comes home smelling like a sewer, you know it’s been through somebody else’s garbage. However, as the cat’s owner, you can be happy with the fact that you can save money and not have to feed your cat as much, as it has already scavenged for food on its own. With this idea in mind, the smell of your cat seems but a small disadvantage. Since a cat does not have a litter box outside, it finds numerous places to use the facilities, such as on people’s lawns and in their flower gardens. This should not upset people, even though cat urine is the strongest smelling urine ever, because a cat’s urine will help kill the weeds in those gardens and on those lawns. In reality, people should be paying you because your cat just did them a service. If your outdoor cat ever comes home from a long day in the garbage or garden, you can be rest assured that your cat is carrying thousands of germs on their feet. You can be happy with the knowledge that your countertops and couches will be homes for diverse bacteria and viruses. In a way, you can be proud of your multicultural home. If you have ever been annoyed by the song of a bird in the wee hours of the morning, you no longer have to worry because outdoor cats have decreased the songbird population by 85%! If we’re lucky these cats might even bring songbirds to their extinction. Those pesky birds will not be a bother for much longer. Even though people who are against outdoor cats will group these cats in the category of destructive pests, like raccoons, outdoor cat lovers can vouch for these cats as being our friends.

 

            Through the eyes of an outdoor cat lover, these cats are not useless, destructive, or in danger to a fault, but rather an admirable pet to own. Taking care of your outdoor cat should be a trying, expensive experience in which you receive nothing in return except for the rewarding knowledge that your cat is living a useless life on the edge, where he can do anything he wants. You will be happy to know that your outdoor cat will give you all the space you need in return for the somewhat small fee of food. Your outdoor cat will have many experiences; some that are invigorating such as raiding a trash can, and others that get their adrenaline rushing such as trying to flee from a coyote. As more and more people let their outdoor cats run free to roam the streets, these cats will mate and produce more cats, so that there will be an endless circle of outdoor cats coming into this world. It will be a sad day when outdoor cats are no longer accepted by society.

Reviews

[deeps]

Wow! This was quite intriquing really and intersting.
I like this alot. It does seem there are alot of cats
in this world. When they have kittens they are so
hard to find a home for. Very well stated write.