Chapter 4;; Burns

Backlash...

Chapter 4:

Burns

Nicholas, I have decided, is the light of my life. His naïve assumptions are probably the most flattering thing, his sarcastic remarks, and witty behavior charming me without end. It was cruel, really, thinking newborn vampires are the only beings that actually make me feel better with myself. Increasingly stupid and perfectly reasonable in my mind. Yet again, you probably really do not want to know my mind to begin with, so don’t try.

Moving was the only thing that his light could not dissolve. I was going to leave my home. The beautiful and social country that I’ve grown to love my entire life I was now being forced to leave. Where my family was, my home, the mansion that I knew like the back of my hand, it was going to be gone. And now, it will be replaced with the world under my feet.

I have had to clarify for myself how much good this will bring. If I was still human, I would never see past the Opera House walls if the same career pursued. My father would have never come to retrieve me, my mother is never coming back to life. What is left for me in England besides the ashes that will never conjure up another fire, so why try to burn it?

Joy lightened my smile as I looked at one of the books I held in my hand. Charles Dickens was the author, one who would usually write about London… how I would love hearing about Oliver Twist, or Ebenezer Scrooge and the three ghosts. How terrifying it may be, looking back to the past, and then your future. I don’t think I would like to know my future.

“Knock, knock,” Nicholas’ voice seemed to smile from behind me. I turned around and wrapped my arms around him from his waist to grab him in surprise.

“Did you have a good hunt, love?” I asked, pressing face into his chest.

“I don’t think I will miss the overwhelming amount of deer.” He huffed, running his finger through my hair.

“I’ll miss this home. I don’t think I’ll get the design of this room just right again… And I don’t think I will have a better window, either.” I sighed, dropping the book into the bag.

“How will you travel with all these things? The boat will not possibly hold all of this.” He noted, looking over my line of things behind us. I smirked… I never thought of that.

“They’ll find a way… for me.” I smiled flirtatiously, literally jumping up and down, suddenly ecstatic about it all, my skirts only flowing slowly from behind.

“And all your dresses,” He noted looking pointedly at my closet, which still had quite a few things in there.

“Oh,” was my reply. “I will make a few once we are in America. I don’t see anything holding me back.” I replied, and lifted my chin, “The men will have enough of an eye of me. They don’t need much more to judge.”

“So ambitious,” He replied.

I giggled and nodded, “So I am.”

“Victoria wouldn’t approve.”

“She’ll get over it.” I said, shrugging it off.

“So stubborn,” He said once more, nearing me. I nodded slowly, as his arms came up above my shoulders.

“Yes,” I nodded, inhaling his scent, filling my every desire in a slow second.

“Violet,” He began.

“Yes?”

“What do you want most out of this? What do you long for? I do not understand one aspect of you what-so-ever.” He seemed rather pleased with himself already for grabbing my attention. I looked up to the ceiling, my hands behind my back, tying tensely together. To be happy forever. To forget everything I’ve lost. To really understand this life. To see the world. There were things that he did not need to know. Things that if he did know, our relationship could break and shatter, for I have learned this with him. He does not remember me changing him at all, after questioning him a few times. But he could take anything personally, like using dark humor. It is things in you that do grow once you become accustom to them. He does not understand the laughable subject of death, for we shall never experience it. I believe he does not entirely grasp that matter yet and for that, I pity him.

“I want to live again. I would like so ever dearly to stop weeping over my shallow past.”I stared blankly past him as I gathered those words together.

“And you’ll find peace elsewhere?” He chided, looking at me curiously.

“I believe so.” I nodded slowly and blinked. Shaking my head, I looked back to Nicholas after a few seconds and cocked my head to the side and asked ever so sweetly, “Could you be a darling and help me carry these bags of mine out to the carriage?”

“Anything,” He replied as if the past few minutes never happened. I let him carry my larger luggage and trotted along in front of him for he was, after all, a gentleman, vampire or not.

Alexander watched dutifully and with a slight comical reaction as we passed, Nicholas pulling the bags into the carriage as I casually stepped aside, crossing my arms.

“Lazy, are we?” He questioned, laughing under his breath. I tilted my head up, and looked away.

“Weak at heart, not strength, silly man,” I breathed back sincerely, not seeing how any of this was funny. He rolled his eyes and strode back into the empty mansion for a final once-over.

It was going to be a few decades or so until we come to this mansion once more. The generations of today will have to empty their minds of the strange family that that took stay in one of the largest mansions in London, right next to the Westminster palace itself. Not to mention one of the richest families, but I won’t go into detail.

In those times of harder ways to get around, by taking boats across the seas, traveling would take months instead of hours. It was probably a more fulfilling way of getting around, I think. In my life, one of the best of times is when we are in open sea and the sun is just about to completely immerse itself into the water. These are the times when my family can actually live again, instead of being stuck in the cabin the entire time. We would thrill ourselves with Solitaire and card games that Alexander has been taught for years from different parts of the globe. Victoria and Alexander would tell Nicholas and I stories of their human lives, and their first years. Alexander would often name people whose names are in modern day’s history books still. He would tell us the history of the church, how it affected himself. All of it was knowledge that can only be taken in from the right creatures.

Victoria’s story was not as drawn out as Alexander’s. Her entire human life, meaning all twenty- one years of it, was a blur. Alexander would tell us that he met Victoria when visiting one of the noble counts in London, in the year 1650. He basically loved her, and from his story, she was dying of the plague that was already wiping out most of the population. Obviously, Alexander wasn’t going to let that happen to someone he actually had feelings for, so, with all the compassion in his heart, he killed her to save her. And that basically happened with just about every one of the vampire population (the number is kind of overwhelming in my book). The vampire who would change another would obviously have a reason for stopping the easy death. If they did not, most of them would die.

Over about a year or so, we finally were settled in America, the new world, of new things to see, places to go. We stayed in the state of Maine, which was just brushing against Canada. It was a lovely place, filled with lots of greenery. The population was quite low compared to many other renowned states, and it was perfect. Evergreen trees surrounded just about everywhere, and the ocean breeze would carry into our smaller home. It was something new, something different. I just knew a London brat like myself wouldn’t last long in the die-hard country of the United States.

I enjoyed watching Nicholas change over the years. He became wiser and less adorably naïve, yet kept the charming traits at hand. He went to school in the United States, learning things from the greatest teachers of this era. I only tutored him, acting as the conscience in the back of his head, possibly nagging, in everything he does. My selfish side kept thinking horrible things about the human girls who would give him a second glance. I taught him music, or re-taught, whichever he could remember, I didn’t know. I gave him piano lessons on the sunny days on our grand piano we bought a decade or so after we moved here. We were like brother and sister, one not so much older than the other, nagging each other, and then complimenting minutes afterward. He would kiss my cheek, as I would peck at his, but it wasn’t something I hoped for.

No matter how sweet he was, something was missing. We weren’t really meant for each other. And with that, the bottom of my stomach seemed to drop in regret. Of course I needed a companion, someone to busy myself with for eternity. But it was nothing more than that.

I wasn’t satisfied.

I had to try harder, to get deeper, to have my senses completely fulfilled. Despite how awkward it was, there had to be a way to get around it. Am I ugly? Was there something unattractive about me? Men certainly did not think so. At least one eye was on me of any man at any time I step into a room. I knew I was beautiful, but was I really? I had no grasp at what I was, and what I can make of myself over these years, but does that affect other peoples’ vision of me? How does that matter?

I was wise, as told by Alexander (but who may we trust here? No, sanity does not count), I had to have the facts down at once. And the only unfortunate part was, I could not read Nicholas what-so-ever. Having to ask him directly was hell… How in the world do you politely ask, “Am I ugly”? There is none… exactly!

“Am I ugly to you?” I suddenly asked at that same moment I thought of that last sentence. He looked down to me, his golden eyes smoldering even for me, knocking even me breathless. He was adorable! Dark, ambitious, beautiful, respectful… something I looked for in a man.

“What kind of question is that?” He sneered. Just what I feared…

“A question of self-reassurance, and I kindly ask an answer. Please.” I said, straightening my shoulders with fake-confidence.

“Shouldn’t a dominant girl like you know her own head on her shoulders?”

“But I’m not just a girl. I’m not even human. I don’t know why I’m still living. And I ask you again, my dear brother, am I ugly to you?”

“Depends on what you define the term ugly.” He simply stated, reaching for something behind me.

“What are you trying to say?” I asked cautiously, straightening my back.

“By your appearance, or by personality?”

“I’m not sure.” I shook my head, looking to my hands, already feeling off of it. His hand came under my chin, leading my head up, to look at him straight into his eyes. They had an unnatural reddish gleam to them, and it deeply disturbed me. He was hiding something.

“You’re a dark angel, Violet. Beautiful in the night, and something different in the day and your music is something mortals will die over. What I see in you on the inside is something strange. Something that nobody could read, as if you have your own code and your voice only gives away few hints. You’re not ugly, at all. That is, by what you see yourself, and what others perceive. I see it in your eyes the selfishness, the hiding… it’s darkly beautiful. But something that leads me elsewhere. Why must you ask?”He stuttered the last sentence. I pulled back one small piece of hair behind my ear, and smiled to myself, feeling stupid… Why his opinion?

“So you don’t think… you know… that…” I paused, breathing an awkward laugh, “You don’t think I’m… bad?” I felt like I was a child.

He just laughed and shook his head, making me shrink away, crossing my arms against my chest again.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked making me feel even worse.

“Am I something else? Selfish, cruel…?”

“Why would I say that?” He seemed offended again, by my accusation on his side, he came even closer, his arms coming over my shoulders, holding my back firmly against his chest.

“I don’t know. It’s just that, despite everything, I love you. I need to know how you feel back, and I really sound dumb right now, and if you could just come in at any time, that would be astounding…”

“How do you love me?” He asked, as if going somewhere distant with his voice.

“It would be like something a little over the love of a sibling. I need someone else, you don’t understand. I’m hollow and lonely, and I don’t even know what I get myself into anymore. I love you more than a brother, I need to know if you love me back?” I said that like a question, my voice becoming higher and higher until I was almost singing a high C. He held his breath, it seemed, as he thought about it.

“I’m not sure yet, dear,” he whispered just barely audible as he pulled away from me. I didn’t know what I did then, I couldn’t tell. I stopped breathing or moving, I just stayed still in the same position as he walked out of the room.

“What?” I breathed brokenly, turning around. I threw myself back toward him suddenly, grabbing his wrists, holding them tighter than he’d be able to pull away. “Please,” I said without thought at all. “You don’t understand,” I cried, putting my head against his chest, sobbing without any tears, I wrapped my arms around him, “my light, my angel, do you not see?”

”Violet…” he whispered, sounding concerned.

“I don’t know if it’s the connection, I don’t know what it is…” I moaned.

“What connection?”

I heaved a deep breath, my eyes wide. Of course…I said too much. Was it worth everything? To give up the secret that could possibly make him hate me forever, for him to hold up a burden of not knowing seemed like hell to me. I had to tell him, to tell him that I loved him and I saved his life and now I could forever be with him. We would suffer together and die together. I could be the most devote partner he could ever wish for.

“I need to tell you something,” I replied with decision.

“Yes?” He said impatiently.

“You don’t know who made you the way you are, correct?” I asked, my fingers ruffling my skirts nervously. I tilted my chin up, straightening my back and let go of him and stepped away.

“No,” He simply answered.

“I don’t either, actually, Nicholas. But it hurts, not knowing who damned me to this hell. Before you came, it was horrible. Knowing I had a hole right through me, as if someone shot at me and it kind of hung there. But I need to tell you something that I never got to know. You should know, despite what I’m about to tell you… I need you so much... You don’t understand how desperate I am.”

“Tell me, Violet…” He ignored my plea.

“I made you. I have a part of you and you have a part of me. That’s the connection… don’t you see…?” I covered my mouth, backing off one step. “I am sorry for this.”

He didn’t say anything, his hands clenched so tightly together that they were whiter than they already were. He seemed mad, about to lash out at me. I prayed to whoever was out there… that he wouldn’t kill me. Not me. Why me?

“I saw something in you, a light, even if you were about to die.” I explained hurriedly before he would completely turn his back. “I saved you from dying an early death, and I couldn’t let you die. You must understand, Nicholas!” From my peripheral vision stood Victoria still as cold stone on the balcony, overlooking the entire thing with an unreadable expression. Nicholas stared at me with hate-filled eyes, his mouth open as if to say something, but not able to.

This entire thing was a mistake… I went wrong, I knew it. I should have stuck with the lie-I should have! Oh, woe to the souls who cannot choose the right path to turn, woe to me who is damned, if not already. The silence was maddening, burning right through me. Why did I just do that? “I am so sorry,” I had to repeat a few hundred times more.

“Of course you are,” He grunted coldly, “and I hate you all.” With that, he turned to leave and started to quickly head for the front door when Victoria finally stepped in, gracefully leaping over the balcony, with all of her motherly nature, trying to restrain her son. My room wasn’t welcoming currently, not the exact peace I withheld in London, not the same perfect view, not as large of a library. My piano was sharp, as well. From my own view, everything seemed to ward me off as if to say now you done it! I curtained my face with my hair so he wouldn’t see me, so no one could see me…

Everything hurt, burned, as I dragged myself up the stairs, my arms across my chest as if that would hold myself together and not fall into pieces. I went into my room slowly, shutting the door behind me. I got a match ready, and lit a few of the candles around, opening the curtain to reveal the moon casting an eerie blue glow on the evergreen trees around.

You need to get out of here, a voice whispered inside my head, as I looked at the fall downwards. I took the thought for granted, and unlatched the window, opening it noisily, the wall seeming to shiver. I looked back to my room, and breathed in, than out. I took off my top skirt, leaving the under layer and my corset on. Nobody would see me anyway. If they did I’d have to kill them. I came to a cat-like position on my feet at the edge of the window.

I rose slightly upwards, and then shut my eyes, wary for a second for it was the first time to jump from a high landing (it would be unladylike otherwise and sort of out-there). I seemed to take a step out, and then, without a final thought, I jumped.

Author's Note

please review... is it too melodramatic?