He Was; So Was I

A NF biographical research essay; I bravely share vulnerable details of my experience in, and my survival of, a DV, narcissistic abusive relationship with my ex-, and the father, of my children.

He Was, So Was I

I won’t bother pointing out the red flags throughout my narrative, although perhaps, if I had been aware of them, throughout my own dating history, maybe I wouldn’t have gone through what I did... Can't do that "could'uh, would'uh, should'uh I guess, I do tend to have a “type.” I have been in at least three serious relationships, with three different individuals, I would describe as narcissistic abusers and domestically violent. [An adult who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist likely struggles with not knowing what constitutes a "normal" relationship (wikipedia.com).]

I will take a page from his book of quotes here though, and say "I wouldn’t take back any of what I’ve done in my past, because if I did, I wouldn’t be exactly where I am, right now” (oh, if I could only express the irony here).  

It was dark there, when I met him, with hints of the bar’s glowing lights giving a red hue to the areas around us. From where I am now, it is really, quite eerie, the way I hear it. 

It actually sounds as if the devil himself, was hiding in the shadows. Where, in fact, indeed he was.

I was depressed when I met him. He convinced me, that I didn’t “need counseling or prescription medication” (since my anti-depressants weren't working at the time, it wasn’t a hard sell) and insisted that I “get rid of them all,” including my anxiety medication (that bothered me but I went along with it to make him happy).

Now that I’ve been gone almost two years, I now know that anxiety and depression, go hand in hand. My therapist has described them as “cousins” to one another. Due partially to that fact, I have been able to gain control of my anxiety, and is one of the several reasons, why I believe, I am no longer depressed.

I guess you could say from the first night he spent in the beginning (never leaving from that point on), we were in the “honeymoon phase.” You know, that period of time when you first meet someone and believe you have this genuine connection, and you begin spending all of your time together, learning about each other, revealing yourselves, every spare moment alone full of passion and enhanced emotions. He was a “good listener” [good listener �" they listen with intent of showing you how much they care about you but they are really building the script of what they have to act like to please you and win you over (narcissticabusesupport.com)]. Therefore, I became hooked.

I was hooked on whatever it was that made me happy, at the time. I was happy when I drank, I was happy when I was did his drugs. I was hooked on the good times he showed me in the beginning, as a front to who he really was. I was hooked on him.

He had me. Hook, line and sinker. I loved him. I loved the fake life he showed me (I didn’t know just how fake it was). That was how he began to gain control of my life.

[Narcissistic Abuse IS Domestic Violence. A central challenge in recovering from Narcissistic Abuse is overcoming the denial of your reality. You have used denial as a survival mechanism which is a function of the abuse (narcwise.com).] 

When I left him I was in full on, fight or flight, survival mode. Just trying to survive each day, one by one until I knew what to do. I didn’t know how to go about leaving I was afraid of him. I had already filed several domestic abuse reports through the police but he kept coming back. I didn’t know how to take our whole life with us without him noticing. I felt like I was drowning, every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day.

Then one night, all of a sudden, I did. My sister walked in the front door to take my kids for the weekend (to help them escape, each of their own individual, hell home) for at least a few days. While he lay there, passed out cold - caused by several days after binge using meth - on the couch, asleep, hard as a rock, I will never forget the words that she said, nor the way it was said.

“Catherine, this is it, you have to go. It's now or never. You have to leave, now.” I knew she was right, I had thought the same thing for almost a year now. I looked around the room, around the house - at my young children eager to escape the toxic environment I had unwillingly let them live within. I told her she was right. I told my kids to quietly, quietly, pick your most special favorite toys and books, packed them each bags of clothes while tiptoeing through the house terrified he would wake and realize what I was doing, grab as many kids as he could and run out the door. He didn’t wake up. We had the car packed and ready to go and I still felt the pain of leaving the man I thought I loved.

I crept back inside, kissed him on his forehead as lightly as I could, and said, “I’m sorry I have to do this. I love you.” I walked out the back door and got into her car and experienced the entire human spectrum of emotions.

There is no doubt in my mind that when he finally awoke, the only emotion he would experience was anger, then extreme anger, rage, then extreme rage, followed by planning all the possible ways he could try to convince me to come back.

I’ve obtained information about several different types of narcissists that I believe he fell into the categories of, as well as a “Narcissist Red Flag Checklist” [narcissistabusesupport.com] and added the ways in which he related to the following:

Types Of Narcissists

Somatic Narcissists �" Fixated on their body and appearance. They are often seductive and are pathological cheaters. To them, sex is a weapon.

Cerebral Narcissist �" Take great pride in their intellect and are incredibly convincing. They are master manipulators

Classic Narcissist �" A person whose set of behaviors are characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, self-centered focus, need for admiration, self-serving attitude and a lack of empathy or consideration (remorse) for others.

Delusional Narcissist �" Very grandiose in their beliefs and are often full of stories that are so over-the-top that rarely do other people believe them.

How they act

Rushing intimacy �" soul mate scam: Within the first three months of our relationship, he had already moved in with me, and gotten a tattoo of my name on his chest, because he knew we were made for each other. Now that I think back, it was more like a threatening promise that we would always be together. Soul mates. Pre destined to be together, forever, till death do us part. Besides lying about anything and everything else, I really do think he meant that last part, “till death do us part.”

Charming: he was able to manipulate any situation into his favor. He made people his devoted followers and fans, until he decided to cut them off. I swear, it seemed like anybody that we met, liked him, right off the bat. His “friends” would do anything he asked them to. He managed to manipulate his way so deeply into my life by charming the most important person in my life, my younger sister. She too though, was just as naïve as I was, and especially susceptible to his manipulation tactics.

Status oriented: He would never let me use his name while collecting food stamps for myself and our children because “he didn’t want it on his record,” same thing for the Suboxone/ Subutex program (although he took and controlled my medication- sold them, managed my use of it in addition to taking it himself), even though I was the one that was in the program, responsible for random pill counts, monthly and random urine screenings, etc.

Behavior never changes: Where to begin? When I met him I thought, “I can save him.” Naïve as I was, I really thought that I could. He claimed to be drug free when we met, on mandated drug court as a result of his recent release from jail. Every time we fought, he apologized, promising to never treat me that way again (notice how I said every time?).

Chronic lying: Almost every single thing that he told me, from day one, was a lie. Or he would tell “the truth,” but without all the details, making it a lie.

Reckless and impulsive: What great words to describe his personality. He had no regard for the way his actions affected others, lest of all those close to him, including myself and his children. He constantly made rash choices and bad decisions that I would advise him against, which were constantly negatively 

affecting us (like when he would leave me with his daughter, or his sons, to do time in rehab, or worse jail, and worse still, prison.)

Patterns to watch for:

You have a feeling something is wrong

Lots of crazy people in their past

Concern for public image

No regard for rules or laws

Never apologizes

Demands trust

Fragmented relationships

No accountability

Makes up excuses

Poor financial management

Cheating: I knew that he was but he always used to say “I’m smart enough to hide it so well you would have no idea.” Except well, he wasn’t. I saw messages, I was confronted by at least three women that claimed that he had cheated on me with him, all of which he denied.

You feel you might be in danger: I was constantly in fear. I was afraid to leave the house for too long to go shopping even with all of our children, or my sister. I was afraid before I even left the house to go to an appointment because I knew when I got home, I would be accused of doing something wrong because I “took forever,” even if it was a completely appropriate amount of time to accomplish whatever it was.

Projecting

Confusion �" story changes: I would bring this up during arguments to which he just made me doubt myself and my accusations, which was exactly his intention.

Intrusive & controlling: Like I’ve said he controlled every aspect of my life. Who I was allowed to speak to, never had a phone, took my vehicles, controlled our money, controlled my medication - every single thing so that I was forced to rely completely on him.

Isolation: Always had us living way out in the rural country, his “stomping 

grounds” where I didn’t know anyone until my sister moved nearby, his mother was always close for enabling support while also to ensure I would never be able to “run off,” even if I tried. “what’re you gonna do walk down the side of the roads, putting our kids in danger, just to get away from me?” Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what I would do, and I tried, multiple times, only to be convinced not to - even though deep down, I knew that he was far more dangerous to us than a walk on a rural road side, even in the dark.

Anger when confronted: Rage, usually, any time I confronted him about anything, despite the level of importance

Double standards: I used this in my defense all of the time, telling him how unfair his double standards were.

Alcohol and drug use: Was, and is still currently, an active drug addict. So he has been an addict for over half of his life.

No responsibility �" blame others: Anything and everything that blew back on him, he would blame someone else, usually a friend or acquaintance, if not me or our children.

Two faced, critical of others behind back

Acts differently in public and private : Always needed to be the center of attention [center of attention �" narcissists will do everything to be the center of attention. Eventually, every social situation will be about them and what they want to do. They will not like going to birthday parties because the attention is on the birthday person�"expect them to be rude to take away the attention from the birthday person. If they do not get their way, expect them to act like a four-year-old, throwing tantrums, getting angry, drinking heavily, and delivering punishment upon arrival home.]

Lives in a fantasy world: He was always delusional - about the way things could be, the way things were.

Distorts facts to suit their needs: This was the way in which he was able to tell “the truth,” and not “lies.”

Provokes and then blames 

Circular conversations �" word salad

Condescending

Shaming: I only cheated on him during the longest prison stay he had because at that point I was a codependent addict that hated my life because he wasn’t with me and I couldn’t bear the pain of being away from him. The prison visits weren't enough, the money I spent on phone calls was never enough, the money I gave 

him to spend in commissary wasn’t enough, the fact that I even brought him contraband (because for some reason I still obeyed his every command and order, despite the fact I was now the sole caretaker of our children �" I think how terrible that was of “me,” how insanely skewed my sense of reality must have been, that I actually could I have done that?) I know now it's because my ability to perceive what was actually happening to me, was no longer present. I wasn’t myself anymore. Yet still, nothing was ever enough. 

Always the victim: Of course, nothing was ever his fault, he simply had such terribly “bad” luck [plays victim �" narcissists paint themselves as the victims, or innocent, in all aspects. A narcissist gains pity and uses this tool to gain control. Narcissists are actors and one of the award-winning roles they play is victim while, in truth, they are abusing, confusing, wreaking havoc, mistreating, and torturing the ones that love them. Often offended by someone telling them the truth, narcissists will act like trapped animals and lash out to defend their role of victim. (narcisstisabusesupport.com)], reading these definitions of a narcissist’s behavior verifies the way I have come to see my life as, now that my vision is crystal clear.

Insults �" smirks �" teases - tortures you: This was constant throughout the relationship. Even when we were not arguing. He always made fun of me. I stopped smoking weed to calm my anxiety and soothe my nerves because he mocked me and made me feel stupid and awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin.

Feel like you are walking on eggshells: I constantly used this phrase to describe how I felt bring with him.

They have a fake personality in public/ They can have different personas around different people: [charming personality �" narcissists’ charm is part of their fake persona. It’s a manufactured role they play when they first meet a new supply, or when they go out in public. Hiding behind this charming facade allows them to hide who they really are, gain trust and maintain the appearance of innocence when they destroy the victim. This charm is false and, behind closed doors, the victim questions where “that guy” went; it’s in your gut that something is wrong, but you are powerless to do anything. Then the cycle begins again�"you go out and he charms the world and puts you on a pedestal only to come home and ignore you (narcoisststicabusesupport.com)].

Doesn’t have long term friends: In my experience all of his friends were long term and all of them felt the same way about him when their true feelings toward them were expressed. Then eventually he was just surrounded by the ashes of the bridges he had burnt between each and every one of them, until it was pretty much, just us (and whoever he was using with and for drugs at the given time).

• Might not have a relationship with their family: In my case, he disliked almost all of his siblings and the feeling was mutual, except the relationship with his mother was extremely unhealthy, as she was his biggest and most critical enabler.

• Hostile reaction to attention and credit given to others 

• Your feelings and emotions are not validated or allowed 

• You fear any fight could end the relationship

• Your words are used against you/ Twists your words in arguments: “You know that’s not what I meant,” “that isn’t what I/ you said,” “well you said,” “that never happened.” 

• They provoke guilt in you: Constantly holding the one and only experience I had of cheating on him while he was gone, doing over a year of time in prison, against me - regardless of the fact that he cheated on me throughout our entire relationship.

• You always fall short of their expectations: “I thought you were smart, that you were going to finish college and get a real job.” “You went to school I figured you'd have money.” “The house is never clean, why? It's your one job, you get to sit home all day and do nothing. Is a clean house so much to ask for?” (Being a stay-at-home mother of four, was most certainly not “sitting home all day doing nothing,” I never stopped moving.)

• They talk badly of past relationships yet visit with them to make you jealous: Right off the rip he told me how his ex was “psycho” but yet whenever we went to pick up his daughter, they would spend entirely too much time alone together, in the bathroom, while I watched and played with their daughter, keeping her away

• Drama follows them but they blame you: 1,000,000 % of the time

• They thrive on drama and have an ample supply: There was never any situation he was involved in that was not followed by some extreme amount of drama.

• They must be right: I was forced to give in, to back down, to or from any, and every single, argument, allowing him a long enough opportunity to fool himself into believing the eruption of words he would spew without any direction or focal point.

Towards the end of our relationship, when I finally started to defend and stand up for myself (when I began to use my voice, express myself audibly),  was when it got really bad.

He got extremely violent, threw fits of rage, would threaten me, would follow through on said threats, he would hit me or throw me around so that it wouldn’t look like he had (“Aww, what?! You didn’t think I’d know how and where to leave marks in places no one can see, so no one will ever believe you where to leave marks so that no one would know or believe that he had done so �" like smash my head, back through a wall, rip out handfuls of my hair, throw me into walls and door frames, etc.)

• Points out your imperfections: His favorite comment to bring me to tears each and every time he came up with towards the end of our relationship, “Nobody, not no one, is gonna to want a thirty-year-old, f****n’ nasty, washed-up mother of three, useless, lazy a*s scumbag, broke-out skin, skeletor lookin,’ waste of space like you �" So where would you even go?”

Thing is, hon, I never even cared. I was never even worried about being ‘wanted.’ I just wanted OUT.

• Recalls actions, decisions, choices, you did years ago to bring them up in arguments: Even things that happened before I was dating him.

• They know how to push your buttons: He would provoke me in arguments, and proceed to call me bipolar, and psycho. Towards the end of the relationship he used to do provoke me for hours until I finally broke down and when I did he would start recording me, to use as blackmail, to try and make me appear to be “crazy”

• Broken promises: There is an unending list of broken promises, I used to say that constantly, that I was sick of his “broken promises”

• Uses your friends and family as flying monkeys

• They might constantly correct you �" nothing is right: Always.

• Control of your spending: What spending? I got twenty dollars, if I was lucky, expected to get everything that we needed for the house (maybe sixty if he had recently gotten money for one reason or another) and our four children.

• Belittle your accomplishments: “You couldn’t even finish college,” he used to mock me (while he often bragged about how smart he was, “even after dropping out of primary education at 15 in 8th grade). 

• Often, they cannot laugh at themselves: Absolutely not, and I would think twice before even considering proximity, especially if you are an informed individual with any matter of opinion (as he will not), before locking his horns into an unknown disagreement, without any information, knowledge nor factual basis, to form an argument on.

• If someone goes against them �" they fight to kill: He had several violent charges on his arrest record and would brag about fights he had been in and the damage that he had done to other individuals. Claimed that when angry, he would “see red,” blacking out and not remembering anything that he had done. The last year of our relationship, that blood colored, cloudy fog of rage, fell around us, in a meaningless argument; on a frigid morning at the start of December. There was no real reason for it. Nothing would validate the response that I would receive; a head-butt (like that of a spaniard bull in a matador ring, except worse, and more like a hispanic futbol ), to the face, breaking both bones at the base of my nose.

• Do they accuse you of things you didn’t do? Gaslighting: I was constantly being accused of cheating on him, telling me that he was going to work. In reality, he was spying on me from inside/ or outside the house, recording my actions for future blackmail opportunities as, in secret, he would video record my average, normal, daily and routine actions. Late in the relationship I’ve been told that he had installed spy cameras in the house, which would make sense because he would know things that he had no way of knowing, unless that were actually true (let’s face it, are not as far fetched as it might at first sound). Using things that I did in the confines of my home, in the secrecy of my bedroom, in the privacy of the bathroom, as a means of manipulation, a tactic to use fear and intimidation to control me; coercive control. Using blackmail and open threats (regardless of validity) to force my behavior, actions, speech, etc. to his immediate benefit.

• They use the silent treatment as control: One year, the week of Valentine’s Day, I accidentally saw messages on his phone between him and another woman. I calmly asked him if we could talk about what I had read and he gave me this silent treatment for an entire week. That is no exaggeration. He ignored me and would not so much as look my way when I spoke let alone speak to me, for a whole seven days. I actually found myself trying to win him over, even though I knew my suspicions had to be true- cooking him a steak dinner for Valentine’s Day without so much as a thank you or bothering to eat it when it was hot after I had made it. 

• Alienation of children to the other parent: Would love the control that he had over his daughter’s mother, refusing to let neither child, nor mother visit, not even speak on the phone, with the other…. unless he “felt like it.” These were more moments in which I was useless, ineffective in my own eyes.

Helplessness and despair washed over me, like the final moments of a tsunami. I would be frozen, watching this dark entity (of whom I’d naively believed had loved me), while danger sparked in the depths of his mind’s eye, as he freely exerted the new power of his new position, in the worst way possible, using it to exert his new position of power in the worst way possible.

Just as, over five years, he has done his damnedest to ensure that I would experience those same, craftily manipulated, downfalls and failures; to ensure the same turnout on myself, in ways I had never even imagined, ways I lied the phrase, “he wouldn’t,” to myself �" no, it was actually mutually sworn, that we/ he �" “could never,” do to our family, to one another, yet, did. Trying to use the court systems, the state’s family and child services, false claims, and most likely any avenue that can be taken to avoid having to take responsibility or accept accountability… except, it didn’t take, did it?! In fact, I refused to �" accept it; refused to give in, to allow your continuation of petty, false, inaccurate claims against the mother(s) of your children �" didn’t I?! 

I could care less whether or not it does, but it still stings you, doesn’t it?! To think that you lost complete and total control?!  Not only did you lose your omnipotent position of powers, you lost your control over me! You lost control of yourself, of your life, of your family, of me.

• Lacks integrity with others What bridge wasn’t left burning in a pile of charcoals of tarnished relationships with every person he had ever known?! None of them. Would there be any bridge in the future that could be sloppily maintained into holding itself together long enough to support his habits and tendencies?! Sure, from what I hear, it’s already been done, a couple of times.

• Boasts about themselves (untrue claims): Ohhh, he was always, in all ways, the best at everything. He had everything during his thirty-six years of life. He could get anything, from anyone, that he wanted. He was a “provider,” even though he never “provided.”

• Wants you to make their life better: Except nothing I did was ever enough. The house was never clean enough, I didn’t give him enough attention, etc. The list obviously goes on.

I rose again, as a phoenix - from the ashes of the person I had become, with him. 

I am stronger now than I ever have been in my entire life. I have endured more pain than some people will in an entire lifetime. I came back from the shell of myself I had become. I was broken and damaged, but I’m healing. I began to take action right away. I receive therapy, I have a huge group of family and friends that will support every move I make from here on out, because they know and trust that I would never return to him or the lifestyle we lived together, ever, again.

I will never regret what I've done. I know that it was for the best, and when my children are old enough I will explain to them why I did it. Why it was the right choice to protect them the way I have. I will teach them respect, so that in the future they never treat another human the way they saw their mother be treated.

I am enough, I am loved.

I am a survivor. I made it out, alive.

As will you.

All that you have to do is take the first step. Leave, and don’t ever, look back.

He was strong, but so was I. As it turns out, in the end, I was stronger.

Author's Note

** TRIGGER WARNING** [nonfiction story, my life -and my children's- as victims of domestic violence, and narcissistic abuse, followed by our survival, our trauma, our healing, our growth, after having made it out, alive] ** Please take this into account before reading or sharing, etc.! **

NOTE: This is absolutely, a true account, an autobiography. This is a piece that I have posted, a draft that I wrote over 5 years ago. Without having re-read it, again, completely, "pre-posting," therefore, it is likely to hold several grammatical errors as well as formatting issues.

TO MAKE IT CLEAR: I would like to inform any potential readers, that this is sensitive material, and will likely serve as a trigger for many victims and/ or survivors of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse, even for individuals close to somebody stuck, or set, in a situation of similar nature.

This being said: It is also of my truest belief, that this is an incredibly valuable read, specifically in terms of advocating abuse awareness. I have shared my story in order to raise awareness of the danger that stands, literally, all around us, all of the time - as a way to open the eyes of people who have yet to wake - I have hope and faith, that if an individual reads my story, that it serves as a life-preserver, a safety net, a blanket of reassurance and encouraging motivation.