The Suicide

There was no calm before it happened.

That's the sign they tell you to look out for in school, a

sudden calm that follows the sadness.

Like the jolt of a sailboat, following a

gust of wind.

No,

if calm followed sadness,

like politics after school

shootings,

then calm would be thunder

and depression would be light.

But we never

make that association.

So it seems to me, they've got it all wrong.

There were no signs.

And we certainly cannot make sense of this now.

We stared at her wounds for as long as we could

bare.

And could not see what was beneath them.

But that's the job of a

Band-Aid.

Author's Note

Honest opinions and critiques appreciated. You can never be too harsh, I welcome it. =]

I wrestled with the line break for the
"and depression would be light.
But we never
make that association."
For a while... I'd be curious to hear what you think of how I chose to break it up. I played with putting "never" on a line of it's own (by shifting "but we" to the end of the line above and also by just putting it on another line below)

Reviews

[ChemicalMadness]

This piece is clearly strong and meant to strike a chord, which I believe it does. I agree with Kristin in her assessment of taking out the periods...this is free form poetry and you are free to use punctuation as you'd like - as long as you don't lose the reader. There are other ways to indicate a break in thought other than a period and in a piece like this, I find them distracting.

I would drop "in school"...the line reads stronger if you leave it at "that's the sign they tell you to look out for". I would also encourage you to play with format so your words fall where they are the most powerful and allow you to dictate the tempo of the piece. For example, I might have the first line read:
There was no calm
before it happened
That kind of break forces your reader to consider what they are looking at. Of course, that is a style that fits ME and how I approach much of what I do - it might not be the voice you are looking for. But, understanding how to influence where the eye (and mind) lingers is definitely something to be cognizant of.

I would also question bringing "yourself" into this piece by saying "so it seems to me"...that makes the piece read more like an editorial. You might consider simply saying "so it seems" or even "so it appears" as appears would fit nicely with the concept of "seeing" the signs in the next line....

I love the line "we stared at her wounds for as long as we could bare"...but wondering if the use of "bare" was intentional, or if you meant to say "bear". I also feel that the use of And in the following sentence would flow better if you changed it to "Yet"
We stared at her wounds
for as long as we could
bear
yet could not see beneath them
but thats the job
of a
band-aid

Anyhow, just my thoughts. The content is all there. I'd just consider how it all fits together. Hopefully you found some of this constructive....
CM.

[Ink]

Thank you for reading and providing such thoughtful feedback! It was very valuable and I'll definitely consider the points you make when I revisit this.. you brought up some things that I hadn't thought about =] Much appreciated

[Cat Tee]

Your metaphors are extremely striking, really nice!
In the start of the poem you make the point that suicide is noticeable as there is "no calm" before it happens. This theme that you're presenting a new view on suicide is great, yet your fifth stanza contradicts that with a point that this cover-up of the repressed light of depression is behind a noticeable calm that is thunder. That disagrees with your first line, a strong one, and I think you can definitely find another metaphor that fits to follow your first line and thusly be more senseical in that "we never make that association".
If you wish to keep that fifth stanza's metaphor, and eventually the band-aid as that follows suit with the new point, then I suggest highlighting this change in point in the sixth stanza where you admit your first line is wrong and make its first line "I've got it all wrong". Then the image of the band-aid is stronger in that your first line proves your wrong first line and thus the point that people generally hold wrong notions about situations, like suicide.
Overall, your voice and style are great! What were your theme, stance, and point you had in mind?

[Ink]

Thanks for taking the time to read my piece and provide feedback =]

It's interesting that you interpreted my first line in that way, as the idea I was trying to communicate is that there is nothing noticeable prior to a suicide that would alert people. Thanks for giving me insight into how you processed this though, I found it to be valuable =]

This poem stemmed from my fascination with suicide. Not in the sense that I had ever considered it or wanted to, but in the sense that it is such a terrible act, I wanted to explore what could lead people to do it and all the elements surrounding it.
Coming into this poem, I already had the first line in mind, as well as the idea to present my characters wounds to actually be Band-Aids. So with my starting point and finish line in mind, I just started writing, slowly deleting the parts that didn't work and finetuning the parts that did until this was created =p
I had written other pieces on suicide before, but they all had a very manic, distressed tone and pace. So I also veered away from that in this one.

[Rita L. Sev]

Written in a matter-of-fact tone that really works well with the subject - no calm, no storm, just the harsh truth. I think your line breaks work well, too. Tat last stanza certainly makes me pause - do we even know when what we are saying or doing is only a Band-aid? Excellent, provocative write,

[Ink]

Thanks for reading! Glad you liked the line breaks, it went through multiple iterations =]

[Ryan]

suicide, death, is a hard thing to right about. i think it's interesting that your poem has such a calm tone and the first line says "There was no calm before it happened". Also the word 'bare', at the end. You say it's intentional so that makes me feel that it's at how the wounds were there, and they broke down her defense so everyone could see what happened, as if she were bare. if i'm right, then the ending is extra-interesting because it's like the Band-Aid is her defense, covering, hiding the wounds and problems. this is very interesting, i think. really makes me ponder. well done.

[Ink]

Thank you for reading and the feedback =]
I think you might have nailed my Band-Aid line right on. Her physical self-inflicted wounds are her Band-Aids. It's what she used to cover up the true pain - the pain that led to her hurting herself (or putting a "Band-Aid" on).

[Ryan]

you're welcome :)

[Angel]

Suicide is heavy stuff to write about, and no two people react to it the same way.
You made me feel the hurt, the confusion, that some people might feel when someone takes their own life.
It's a powerful piece, and the way you broke it up fits with your subject. I think you are right about the one lline. Never would hit harder on a line of it's own.
It touches me, and I think it is a good piece...but I think it needs something.
It needs editing...bare ought to be bear, but thats minor, and easily fixed.
It's that last stanza, I think. It doesn't deliver the punch I think you were looking for.

[Ink]

The usage of "bare" was intentional =p
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! I will take your words into consideration when I revisit this

[Angel]

Yes, i see the imagery.
It is a powerful piece. Well-penned, sez I...

[icelandicblue]

I like this. I especially liked the last stanza. I thought the line breaks worked well. I noticed you used calm four times and although I understand what you were trying to do I think it was used too much in such a small space of writing. You may want to change bare to bear.

[Ink]

Thanks for pointing out how often I used "calm." I did intend to use the same word, but didnt realize just how much I used it.

The usage of "bare" over "bear" was intentional =)

[icelandicblue]

Hi,
I wondered about the bare vs bear. I know you intended to use calm repeatedly but it was in such a small space that it really jumped out. It was a good poem.

[Ink]

Yeah it's a really good point. I thought about it during work today, but now I'm debating whether I actually like that it jumps out so much.. hmm.. much to ponder

[icelandicblue]

Ultimately you must do what makes you happy. It is your baby after all.

[Graveyardfuck]

I like how you wrote this and how the stanzas help give that emotion.
Great work.

[Ink]

thank you!

[MichaelG.]

I dig it :)

[Ink]

thanks for taking the time to read it!