The Suicide

There was no calm before it happened.

That's the sign they tell you to look out for in school, a

sudden calm that follows the sadness.

Like the jolt of a sailboat, following a

gust of wind.

No,

if calm followed sadness,

like politics after school

shootings,

then calm would be thunder

and depression would be light.

But we never

make that association.

So it seems to me, they've got it all wrong.

There were no signs.

And we certainly cannot make sense of this now.

We stared at her wounds for as long as we could

bare.

And could not see what was beneath them.

But that's the job of a

Band-Aid.

Author's Note

Honest opinions and critiques appreciated. You can never be too harsh, I welcome it. =]

I wrestled with the line break for the
"and depression would be light.
But we never
make that association."
For a while... I'd be curious to hear what you think of how I chose to break it up. I played with putting "never" on a line of it's own (by shifting "but we" to the end of the line above and also by just putting it on another line below)

Reviews

[ChemicalMadness]

This piece is clearly strong and meant to strike a chord, which I believe it does. I agree with Kristin in her assessment of taking out the periods...this is free form poetry and you are free to use punctuation as you'd like - as long as you don't lose the reader. There are other ways to indicate a break in thought other than a period and in a piece like this, I find them distracting.

I would drop "in school"...the line reads stronger if you leave it at "that's the sign they tell you to look out for". I would also encourage you to play with format so your words fall where they are the most powerful and allow you to dictate the tempo of the piece. For example, I might have the first line read:
There was no calm
before it happened
That kind of break forces your reader to consider what they are looking at. Of course, that is a style that fits ME and how I approach much of what I do - it might not be the voice you are looking for. But, understanding how to influence where the eye (and mind) lingers is definitely something to be cognizant of.

I would also question bringing "yourself" into this piece by saying "so it seems to me"...that makes the piece read more like an editorial. You might consider simply saying "so it seems" or even "so it appears" as appears would fit nicely with the concept of "seeing" the signs in the next line....

I love the line "we stared at her wounds for as long as we could bare"...but wondering if the use of "bare" was intentional, or if you meant to say "bear". I also feel that the use of And in the following sentence would flow better if you changed it to "Yet"
We stared at her wounds
for as long as we could
bear
yet could not see beneath them
but thats the job
of a
band-aid

Anyhow, just my thoughts. The content is all there. I'd just consider how it all fits together. Hopefully you found some of this constructive....
CM.

[Ink]

Thank you for reading and providing such thoughtful feedback! It was very valuable and I'll definitely consider the points you make when I revisit this.. you brought up some things that I hadn't thought about =] Much appreciated

[Gypsy Warrior Queen]

you are indeed a very talented writer, but I find this piece lacking in the emotion. the beat needs to be harder. not very trained at technique but let me see if I can give you an example.

There was no calm
before it happened

That's the sign
the one they tell you to look for,
sudden calm that follows the sadness.

like the wind gusts that jolt a boat;
sudden

No,no
if calm followed sadness,
like politics after school shootings,

then calm would be thunder,
depression the light.
though we never
make that association.

So it seems to me,
they've got it all wrong.
There were no signs.

we certainly cannot make sense of this now.

We stared at her wounds
for as long as we could bare.
We could not see
what was beneath them.

But that's the job
of a Band-Aid.

I believe that some matters of topic should not be metered but felt. I am not trained in the art of poetry, but that is the great thing about art. Artists are feelers. They want to become......moved.

[Ink]

Thanks for taking the time to read this Queenie :) This poem has actually undergone massive revision since the posting.. Might post the updated version once it's completed

[David Scott]

Ok... I loved the the write. To me this reads like a pathetic excuse to ignore the pain of others. The first question of the guilty murderer was, "Am I my brothers keeper?"
If we do not accept some accountability who will?
A fine satire.
Now, you have some flaws I think.
Starting a line with "And", "But", or repetitious thoughts feels weak. Also, hanging the word "that" out to dry will improve your poetry.
Consider a change.

Example: "Then calm would be thunder and depression would be light. But we never make that association."
Try, *Calm would be thunder, depression would be light. We never seem to make this association.*

The next stanza, drop "So". *It seems...*, drop "And", *We could not make sense of her choice now*. Avoiding a vague "this". Notice I used could not instead of "cannot" because later you say could not and I feel you found the proper tense there. Avoid changing tense.

Last stanza, *Staring at her...* Drop the "And", go with *We could not see beneath the gore* (less vague).
Drop the "But". Try something like, *Cover these cuts with a Band- Aid*.

I did like the poem. You begged for hard, honest reviews. I gave you my best.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

and i concur with others on the punctuation..would like more of a stream of consciousness with this topic...

as that stream often drives one to suicide and we can't pin down why---we often can't see it coming...

somebody like sylvia plath, yes...she displayed the signs, tried it several times...but some go under the radar and even best friends have no idea.

this is really sad...but it is so real...it puts the gun to the reader's head.

jacob

[Mavs]

I absolutely loved it; it touched me so much. Great job connecting your thoughts to the readers. Keep up the great work!

[Ink]

Thanks you! ^^

[Kristin Lee]

Your words are beautiful. This is a poem I'd love to see in wide circulation.

What's probably bothering you is the structure. The last stanza in particular is hard to follow in its current format. I would recommend something more like this:

We stared at her wounds
For as long as we could bare
And, could not see what was beneath them

But that's the job of a band-Aid

(you could move the last line up so it's included with the prior stanza also, your choice as author. But this way it really sets that statement aside for you. Cause that's what you're saying. Something horrible happened, and they are just covering it up. Think of each stanza as having a heart beat, not just a line break. Sometimes a line break throws off the whole rhythm. In my opinon, the rhythm is more important because its what helps deliver your message.

Also, with this type of poetry, comas, exlaimations, and question marks are all fine, but I'd remove all the periods. Unless they fall in the middle of a stanza.

You wanted totally honest. Was that helpful? I've been writing poetry for 25+ years now, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve :)

[Ink]

Thanks for reading and posting your feedback! The honesty is definitely appreciated =] You brought up some things I never considered.. hmmm... But don't you find removing the periods at the end of lines to seem a little weird? Assuming you start the next sentence with a capitalization.. Intriguing..

[Kristin Lee]

It is totally weird, I agree. I see it alot in older style poems and always threw me for a loop when my teachers talked about it. Take a look at the classics like Annabel Lee, by Poe, or A Dream Within a Dream, also by Poe. The only time he uses a period is at the end of the last sentence in each Stanza.

But, your content is so hard hitting and perfectly finessed in its tone that I wouldn't mess with the structure too much :)

[Ink]

You know, I really never noticed that in their works... Interesting indeed.. thanks for pointing that out!

[Frieda P]

I hesitated to read this one, my sister committed suicide and I never know how this type of poetry will affect me. It's brutally honest and straightforward, no romanticizing the act...can't say more, it's stark, and it works.

[Ink]

Sorry to hear that.. I lost two people to suicide as well =
Thank you for braving the read and leaving your thoughts!

[Frieda P]

My heart goes out to you as well, it's the pain that keeps on giving.

[Alex Falkner]

I liked tis piece, it's the same thing we were told at school, there never is a calm before it happens.
I think there would be a little more impact if it was written the way you describe in the authors note, but that is just my opinion, I'd take it with a grain of salt as I feel I have much to learn about poetry.

[Ink]

Everyone has much to learn about poetry =] Thanks for taking the time to read it!

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

I honestly liked this one. I think the thing that made this work was that you didn't overdo it...you didn't try to describe too much or tell too much, rather you allowed the reader the time to make his/her own inferences.

I agree with you, the word "depression" is a little too cliche to me in this piece, because it is so otherwise unique and out of the box, but I love "But we never/made that association", those lines were genius.

The fourth stanza was a little bothersome in terms of it's strength in comparison to the rest--it didn't have the same wellspring of conversational genius. Overall, though, I find this to be a very well written piece with little to critique.

[Ink]

Thanks for reading! Appreciate the feedback as well =]

[lolawants]

wow this is really amazing, skools dont know what they're talking about

[Ink]

Haha, not quite sure I'd say that... but thanks for reading! =] Glad you enjoyed it