Maybe If . . .

A real life rant about the absence of love.

July 19, 2004

I think that if I had one person in my life that truly loved me, I'd be a better person without having worked so hard at it. If my father, whom I liked immensely, had shown that I mattered to him, I'd feel a whole lot better about myself. If my mother had ever been a real mother to me in my preteen years, maybe I wouldn't be so hostile or hate my life so much. Maybe maybe maybe. If if if. I honestly don't know who I am, what I really want above all things, nor where I'm headed. The one thing I absolutely would like is for the pain to stop. The inner pain that makes me rock back and forth in my squeaky chair. It's the emotional roller-coaster that keeps me angry, hostile and alone day after day, week for week and year to year. I can't bare living most days. It doesn't suit me. I can't control my life. I can't control the people in my life. I'm burdened with being an imperfect perfectionist, a control freak who has no control, and a procrastinator who wants so many things to magically appear. I AM IN PAIN! Is anyone listening? Who else feels this way? I swear it's a victim's mentality. It is a manner of living (and here I must force a laugh because this isn't really living at all)--a daily litany of self-abuse. You've heard it before, I hate my life, hate myself, hate my neighbors, hate my job, hate the president, hate the terrorists, hate hate hate. And I never, ever say, I love anything, because I don't. I was never taught it, nor felt it, nor saw it. Not in my life. Some people think that to love is a natural thing. I disagree. I think one must have an example of it, something upon which to fashion one's way of reacting to others or to treat others. I crave to be loved. A lot of us in the world do. Some of us don't know how to give it nor feel comfortable receiving it. And to this I raise my hand for presently I am ail in that loss that others take so for granted. Do you care what I truly hate? I hate when others tell you how you should feel and when and why. "You should love your fellow man." Why? How? When? Why should I care, how should I care and When should I care? Hell, I'm much too busy trying to love myself. No easy task. You know how it is. Spend all your energy telling yourself how cute you are, how worthwhile you are, how you're going to help the world. And all the time there's that negative little loudmouth voice in the back of your head saying, "No you not!" Sometimes it's your parents or spouse telling you you'll be nothing but a loser. But don't worry if they aren't cause there's always the cops, Judge Joe Brown or a litany of others, most of whom you'll never meet. So what's a poor depressed slob to do? You tell me and I'll let you know if it works. NOT! See, that would be too easy. For a procrastinator, help is easily dismissed, ignored and refused. Christians throw God at you and if that doesn't work, Satan. The fortunates of the world have their parents, aunties and uncles, cousins or brothers, clergymen or angels. Loners have only themselves, and if they're moderately enlightened, Angels. So I've prayed, and prayed and . . . well, after 30 years, I've kinda given up on being happy, at peace and loved. So much for prayer. Maybe I should pray for war, a cataclysm or for prejudice. Then we'd all see results. Okay, enough God-bashing. Back to my sordid life. I'm envious of those who have a lot of love in their life, but it makes them a bit blind to the reality of others, after all, how can someone who's always felt it, know what it's like to not have it. It's an empty, painful void. I can tell you well-loved folks that much. I really hate it when people say God loves you. Well, let me see, I don't feel it, see it nor hear it. Nor believe it. Words are words. Actions are proof. Love is an embrace, kind words spoken when you need them most, help from a stranger. Yes, compassion is an expression of love, but few people are truly compassionate. . . .

Author's Note

Believe it or not...it's supposed to read just as it is, without paragraphs, just one complete thought after the other. I don't plan to use this, other than to eventually post it on my blog Trying To Find Rene [ http://trying2findrene.wordpress.com ]. Thank you for reading!