You Used to be Hot

This is one of the entries from the blog for The Penis Chronicles of Corrine Miles--a completed manuscript being submitted to agents. Enjoy!

It never fails: You'll always hear your mother and grandmother talk about how they used to have a body like you. "I was quite a dish back then! And then...I don't know what happened."

I'll tell you what happened: Gravity happened. Stress happened. Sleepless nights happened. Then they popped out a couple of kids and it was all over.

But it doesn't even take motherhood to destroy your body anymore. You graduate high school and you're perky and tight and everything still sticks straight up and nothing jiggles when you walk.

And then college happens. Between a lack of sleep and too much stress and horrible food and beer that's so cheap you CAN'T turn it down, your body goes from Gisele Bundchen to Roseanne Barr.

By the time you graduate and get a "real job" in the "real world" because you're an "adult" (*barfing everywhere*), your life is destroyed. A doughnut is considered an acceptable breakfast and you've somehow convinced yourself that pizza is a vegetable.

And forget hitting the gym. When you drag your a*s into the house late at night, you have just enough time to finish off half of the Entenmann's lemon strudel you bought yesterday and go straight to bed, allowing the cake to settle on the worst parts of your a*s.

Within weeks, you notice that your b***s have gone from resting beautifully below your collarbone to hitting you in the stomach when you walk too fast. When you raise your hand to wave to someone, you notice that the fat under your arm waves to them too. Your thighs--once tight and lean and NEVER touching--could now start a fire with the friction between them when you're speedwalking down the hall to fax that document your boss gave you.

And forget personal hygiene. You were once able to wash your hair once a week and it never looked dirty. These days, you miss one shower and there's enough grease in your hair to fry an egg on your head. With the way your schedule is now, you're lucky if you pick your eye boogers before walking into the office.

It's a sad day when you realize that you're not the hot 19-year-old you used to be. You're just a shriveled up, pruning women in her 20s. Get a cat.

Author's Note

Feedback/input/advice/etc is GREATLY appreciated!!!

Reviews

[Ufi Auttorri ~ Amy C. T..]

Right or wrong, I'm looking at the picture you use for your bio. By anybody's standards this person, whoever she is, is beautiful. I think it takes a beautiful (and somewhat courageous) person to write a piece like this. I mean, you have to have the context, right? I suppose a cosmetically-challenged woman with a great imagination could envision someone, perhaps themselves, as beautiful and write this way. Living in Vegas you can probably appreciate that I think it's a 'tell' that you probably really are still young and quite beautiful. But, you just can't wrap your head around ever being considered really, truly, ugly and undesirable... yet. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm just saying that I don't think a woman working through her mid-life crisis would tend to think this way; perhaps, but I doubt it. As for the piece, I think I get it but then I'm a guy - what do I know? At any rate, I think it's supposed to be humorous, somewhat self-deprecating and with a touch of sarcasm. If so, then I think it succeeds quite well and I like it for all that it is... even if I'm not your target audience. :o)

I await your gobsmacking...

[meg333]

Thank you VERY much for the great comment. It is very much appreciated. :-)

Young or old, these are changes that a lot of women notice throughout their lives. A girl can be attractive by society's standards and still see the flaws in herself.

Regardless, you've got the right idea what you say that our aim was to make you laugh, with a little sarcasm. At the end of the day, we want to give people a good laugh with light-hearted comedy that they can all relate to.

Thank you again. :-) You're awesome.

[Relic]

haha, this is good and funny as well. I hope the agents were smart enough to accept it? If not, their loss. :)

[soliloquy]

You should open for Jerry Seinfeld....this is hilarious.....everyone can relate to it too. (Except me of course....)

:0)

[Baby Ricochet]

HA! Funny

[meg333]

:-) Thank you!

[Cherrie Palmer]

Funny piece I enjoyed it,it's well written and lots of humor. However, seeing how folks are weighing in: the truth is I wouldnt be 20 again for the world,Now 35 I'd call a do-over for. Never-the-less, Hang in there cause the fact is we do just get better with age.

[meg333]

Thank you so much for the feedback, Cherrie. :-) 20 is definitely an iffy age!

[Eagle Cruagh]

The period you write about approximates the period in'
which I gave up being a hot drummer and turned to pugilism.
I thought a crooked nose woold look more attractive than
whatever happens to a drummer.
Fighting did not answer the problem for me. We have to exercise
long hours, limit our exposure to the feminine mystique and eat
only steak.
Guess the differences are in the line of work. A cop don`t have to
worry about how he looks, everybody hates you anyway and salesmen
are supposed to be fat (jolly) you know so I join you in your rant.
Life can be a b***h----- in between heaven and paradise.
----- Eagle Cruagh

[meg333]

Eagle! You crack me up again! You need to write the male version of this!!

[Eagle Cruagh]

Sorry: There is no male version. What you write is right where the p***y scratches, nobody can compare. Males are getting pretty obsolete anyway.
Love your stuff.
----- Eagle

[meg333]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLL

[smilysoly]

well, that was remarkable. your courage to write that piece! i may not witness that in my society but i've seen quite a lot of examples for teens who waste their lives in that way! alcohols, drugs and so on. you got the point !

[meg333]

Thank you so much for your encouraging words! We're glad you liked it. :-)

[Revery]

As a guy, should I even touch this, lol. But in reality there obviously is a gap between how women are programed to look at themselves and how the rest of the world sees them. They are inflicted with a perfectionism standard beyond reality. I assume this is the message behind this satire. Good job.

[meg333]

Thank you! We certainly are programmed to think differently, aren't we? We can only hope that men don't notice all the flaws in ourselves that we do! ;-)

[Crazy Cat Man]

haahhhaahhaha i love the last line. get a cat hahahaaha i love this poem and understand perfectly why u wrote it. Im 31 years old and people keep telling me that i look like im 24 :P. well a lot of those girls u talk about in this poem look horrible now. im 31 but those girls look over 40. they burnt out and lived life too fast. its sad they were in a rush to be adults @ 16 and now when they are 30 they feel old........thats only the beginning to living life. so sad they burnt out so fast. great piece in pointing out this :)

[meg333]

Thank you kindly!!!!

[The Analog Kid]

Pretty funny how our partying and age catches up with us..LMAO..get a cat:)

[meg333]

Right? One day you look in the mirror and go, "Wtf..."

[meg333]

PS Thank you for your comments! I really appreciate it. :-)

[The Analog Kid]

YW..anytime:)