depression at 1:25 AM as told by me

not really worth reading honestly

You wake up, your head filled with so many thoughts and still feeling groggy. It’s almost as if you had been asleep or unconscious for either too long or not enough, yet still unaware of which one. Your eyes are as heavy as lead and air is sharp to inhale. As your memory and senses slowly come alive, peace overfills your heart and you take a single breath as you stagger to your feet. Rubbing and softly clawing at your eyelids, the peace goes as fast as it came, away in one look around you. You can’t see anything- the room is so dark and empty yet you can somehow feel everything that’s there. Nothingness. A hole so vast and powerful. Your breath begins to turn ragged and painful with the thoughts overtaking your mind. As you continue thinking and thinking, you realize why you are there in the first place- you are alone. No people or things or winds controlling you, nothing to mess up, no expectations you are usually handed, you are completely alone. Peace and joy hit you like a laser beam, and suddenly you are okay being here. You smile and exhale deeply, releasing every ounce of fear ingrained you possibly could have. You become young again, playful memories existing so close you, touching your brain and replaying them like movies.

Unaware of the passage of time, you close your eyes and dream of days and nights passing in front of you. Happiness is present in you, yet somehow it seems to sink in the cold floor boards beneath your feet. A chill shoots up your body that forces your eyes shut. Your arm rattles and suddenly the peace you felt is dead, lying on the ground in front of you. There, but so far away and gone. Taunting you. A thought intrudes your mind after looking around, desperately trying to summon it back.

Go get it! You must feel so terrible, you left everything to come here and you are so ungrateful. Don’t let this go to waste, my dear. They stole something from you. Get it back. You must miss it so much, why not take action yourself. Reach. Do it.

You listen. You try to move an arm, and instead are greeted with such immense pain in your entire body. Crying out doesn’t help at all, it only makes the pain worse. Dread oversees your soul and the pain fades. Your arm returns to its side. The happiness falls away, gone for eternity into the blackness. Of course you can’t see it, but you know. It is gone, never coming back, never wanting to inhabit such a lonely soul.

Sight is still an issue. You can only remember how to breathe and make your heart beat around thoughts. A metallic taste in your mouth comes in and out, reminding you of death and fear and the loss of hope for yourself. You can only hear soft winds brushing past but you start to wonder if they are actually voices, like the one from earlier. A sense of desperation comes over you. Heaving and panting your way through minutes and hours and days until you finally stop. Nothing. Your brain completely shuts down. Neurons give way and fall to their deaths. Cells simply collapse onto themselves. Your mind is empty. You feel muscles in your face relax, your eyes turn gray and your breathing ceases for a second. For that second, nothing happens. Your body naturally emits the emotion it had been storing. A rush of nothingness enters with the next breath, and you think it is all over- this dream will end and your new life will begin. Hope for the future, plans, new dreams come to phase quickly, which makes your head spin. A daze comes over you, in just that second. After that, your eyes return to its original color and everything comes back. The darkness becomes more obvious and your heart races. Neurons and muscles return from the dead and panic. Fight or flight. Which will you choose?

Fight. Fight what, exactly? There are no obvious demons or enemies here. Black.

Flight. And to where, exactly? Moving your arm devastated you. No.

Neither. You do nothing.

Your state of panic never leaves, you are stuck there for days. Wondering why you are here, when you can go home, what home even means to you. Trying to remember solid memories and dates and people make you angry, livid. Nothing. Until, amongst the darkness, a blurry, faded light appears. Remembering your joy had disappeared, you only acknowledge it from where you are standing. You come back to your body and try to speak.

What did you expect? Something real? Something touchable? This. This is what you get, my dear. You ungrateful menace, this is your reward. Find out what it is. Go. Go!

You try to listen again. You tell your legs to move. Searing, burning pains come across you. Worse than before. Worse pain than you’ve ever felt in your entire lifetime. You do not fall. You still have not moved. Bones crack and snap and muscles tighten and strain. Pain is all you know. Within the pain, comes thought. What are you? Who? What?  Thinking is not painful anymore, so you do it. That is all you do. Think. Ideas enter and leave and repeat themselves and your brain becomes tired. So tired that it too is painful. The light has never moved. You question everything once more. Many times, for so long. It causes so much strain and  hurting but you are unable to stop.

Beneath all of the ringing in your ears you hear something. You imagine pain now has a sound, but this is different. It is human. Someone made that sound, not just the effect of this dream. You realize your mouth is open- that sound is you. You are screaming. You do not stop. You can’t stop. Your lungs cry and vocal chords sing so loudly. The light is unamused. Laughing. Screaming. Mayhem. Soon, your breathing almost stops and your lungs fill with blood. You feel it rising to your throat. You try to reach for something, maybe there is a table. You are finally able to move, at least you think you can. Your arms stay still, now worthless. You are worthless. Your eyes start to close and sweat pours out of you and the screaming does not stop.

You never stop. Breaking sounds with blood and pain only sometimes heal your lungs. Laughter. Screams. Darkness. Nothingness. And you are left, mocked, beaten, breaking. Screaming into a void.

Author's Note

this is very bad, I know. It was a dream, sounded interesting. probably makes no sense, but it's a thing. my apologies.

Reviews

[C. Lee Battaglia]

I struggle with anxiety and depression and it sucks. It's something I'll have to deal with my whole life. But where my source of joy comes from is writing. It helps me understand who I am and what I go through. These words are very real feelings that are very common in todays world. You are an extremely talented writer/author and I just want to let you know that, whenever you are going through something difficult or it just seems to much, just write! It will help you and others around you.
Your writing is incredible and keep up the incredible work!
If you want to, could you read my story, "the blonde girl," you don't have to if you don't want to, I just felt like I should share it with you.

Your friend,

C. Lee Battaglia

[Jacob Clifford]

I don't think you should ever apologize for something you wrote or say it's not worth reading. I think this is a very creative tale. The stream of consciousness is very true to life, and I understood all the points of discussion. You should look at the positives of this story and be proud of what you wrote.

[Autumn]

I don't think it's bad at all. This was a very relatable stream of consciousness. It's how I feel sometimes, especially when waking up in the morning.