Anxiety and the Broken Ragdoll

"Tell me I'm safe." The girl tries to whisper but the words are caught in her throat, a reminder of her frailty. A reminder of the anxiety that pulls her back and forth like a worn down ragdoll between the eager and needy hands of two demanding children. The stitching of her weak limbs coming loose. 

She pours her heart out to someone she loves, someone she's certain loves her back. "Okay.." they respond uncomfortably. She feels like she's drowning. She feels like she's in the ocean and her feet are made of led. Her weak arms frantically frailing to keep her afloat as her panicked breath makes her choke on salt laden water. 

"Help me!" The girl wants to scream, she knows that she should. But she's certain no one wants to hear it. The girl is homesick. Not for a particular place but for a feeling. That feeling of belonging. It's been far too long since she's felt like she was home and every bit of her being aches for that feeling.

Pictures. Certain pictures remind her of home. They remind her of that feeling. She spends hours a day- every day- shuffling through them. It's bittersweet. It's like a lover's quickly fading scent clinging to a pillowcase. A small reminder of what happiness feels like, without actually getting to have it. Like remembering the way something tastes while knowing you won't get to taste it again for quite some time. 

The worn down rag doll dresses in one outfit, then another. Desperate to hide her imperfections, her flawed and frayed seams. She does her best not to ask others for constant affirmations of her safety in life, or in her relationships. 

"Help. Somedays I daydream of dying." She writes on empty pages. 

She's been pulling at her own seems, unraveling herself for far too long. 

She wants to do better. 

She promises to do better. 

"How are you doing?" They ask, and the ragdoll says she is fine. 

Author's Note

Ignore the grammar and punctuation, as I said it's a bit of free writing and I'm sure that others can relate. If you also write on anxiety or depression and are currently struggling let me know so I can read some of your works, I'm interested.