Chapter one.

Brooke struggles to deal with Nathan's death. She keeps recalling what happens, and the guilt keeps eating away at her.

    You don’t know what you have until it’s gone… a popular cliché but one of the truest. And this statement ran through my head non-stop the whole time I was sitting there, dressed in black and listening to his mother’s eulogy. Tears streamed down my face and I couldn’t even listen to the mournful words. I never said goodbye. I  never said goodbye.
    I was trying not to cry too obnoxiously loud, but it was hard. I was standing at the edge of his grave next to his little brother, who was clinging onto my arm. I had to be strong for him, I had to.
    Inch by inch, the shiny white casket was lowered into the ground. I never said goodbye. I never said I loved him.
    I made a sound I didn’t recognize. It was kind of a guttural moan, followed by sharp inhale of breath. So much pressure, I couldn’t handle it. The small boy grasping my arm gripped me tighter. He pulled me back together. He needed me.
    I ignored the odd looks everyone gave me and cleared my throat. Lower and lower it sunk until I couldn’t see it anymore. Another quick intake of breath, and another squeeze on my arm.
    “Brooke, do you want to say something?” his mom asked somberly. What could I say? What would it matter? It was too late now.
    I shook my head. “No.” My voice cracked and we all stood in silence, watching the casket sink lower and lower.
    I couldn’t watch so I looked up at the gravestone; shiny gray marble that read “Nathaniel Preston Carter, 1990-2008”. He hated that he had three first names.
    “Nat,” I whispered to myself. His little brother gave my arm another squeeze. I smiled at him through my tears. It seemed I needed him more than he needed me.
    Then I heard the gentle clunk of the casket hitting the ground. My stomach lurched and my head started to spin. I didn’t know how much more of this I could handle.
    “I love you,” his mom whispered, before dropping a handful of dirt into the hole. As soon as it hit, I swayed back and forth a little before fainting.
    When I came to, I noticed a crowd of people surrounding me. Nat’s mother was kneeling next to me, crying.
    “Are you okay hon?” she asked quietly. I shook my head.
    “No. I’m sorry, I can’t…” I stood up and ran across the graveyard. I didn’t bother turning, there would be no looking back now. No looking back because I never said goodbye.
*****
    The moon reflected off of the glassy surface of the lake. There wasn’t even the tiniest breeze to ripple the peaceful water. It was like the whole world was mourning for the loss of my best friend. The loss of the friend I had fallen in love with, but never told.
    But now I couldn’t. I held onto the trunk of the tree I was in and curled up on the makeshift platform. This was our spot. We spent so many days sitting right in that very spot talking for hours on end. We ended up bringing bags with some snack foods and blankets and extra changes of clothes to store there because we spent a few nights there when we were too tired to go home.
    No one knew of it but us. Well, people knew about the lake but we were in our own spot. There was a wall of marshy type area that had a tree making a blockade to a sort of nook.
    Sobbing, I grabbed the bag our clothes were in and pulled out his sweatshirt. It smelled like him, so I put it under my head and pulled the blanket around my shoulders.
    I stared vacantly at the moon. It was full and beautiful. The whole night was beautiful, except for me.
    I looked like a mess. I was still wearing the dress I wore to the funeral. It was really wrinkled and covered in dirt. My knees were grass stained and my feet were filthy. My long, dark, gently spiraling hair was disheveled and knotted, my body covered in scratches from running through the woods without being careful. My normally striking turquoise eyes were dim and lifeless. My skin was pale and sickly looking. Probably because I vomited everything I’d eaten all day in the woods. I hardly managed to make it off the yard; I had figured that throwing up on the gravesite would be looked down upon.
    But they would of understood. Just like they understood me fleeing. Everyone there knew how much pain I was in. Nat and I were very close. We probably knew each other more than we knew ourselves. No one questioned the integrity of our relationship and we trusted each other fully.
    I shouted out angrily into the night air. Why did they take him away from me? He was only eighteen, just started on his life. Our lives. We were going to go to the same school in August and have study sessions together. We were supposed to burst into the dining hall dressed as knights and say “wait, this isn’t Narnia,” before turning out and running. We were supposed to find a way onto the roof and hang out there. But now…
    But now it’s all over. No point trying to look ahead when all of my hopes and dreams just disappeared. In fact, I was having trouble believing that there was even a point to being alive.
    Nervously, I looked over the edge of the platform. It was a kind of high up, and I wondered what would happen if I jumped. But no, I couldn’t put his family through that too. So I slipped into Nathan’s sweat pants and sweatshirt and laid down.
    I wanted to sleep, wanted to be overcome by unconsciousness, but it wouldn’t come. I couldn’t stop picturing him laying beside me. I couldn’t stop breathing in his smell and reaching out to find him not there. The sobs that exploded from me came faster and harder until just crying wore me out enough to slip into darkness.
*****
    My phone woke me up. I grabbed it and looked at the screen. It was my mother. I picked up but didn’t say anything.
    “Brooke, are you there?”
    “Yes.” My voice cut through my throat.
    “Where are you?”
    “Our spot.” She knew of it but not where it was.
    “Are you okay?” I didn’t respond. “Hello?”
    “No, I’m not okay.”
    “Can you come home? We’re worried about you. Dana, Mason, Riley, Suzanne, and Carly are here.” Nathan’s whole family.
    “I don’t know…”
    “Brooke?” My mom must have given the phone to Riley. His seven year old voice went straight to my heart. My eyes started to water, although I had been sure that I was out of tears.   
    “Yeah, Riley?”
    “Please come home.” I took a deep, shuddering breath.
    “Ok.” I hung up the phone and made a sad attempt at getting control of myself. I put Nat’s clothes back in his bag and threw my heels in my own. My feet were blistered from trying to run in them.
    I climbed down the tree slowly and sadly, put my hair up, and started to run. My house was a good five miles away and it would take me about an hour to get there.    
    Adrenalin was my fuel, especially because I still felt terribly sick and empty. My feet got even more cut up by rocks in the road, and all of the cars that drove by slowed down to stare at me. They asked if I needed a ride but I just kept running on.   
    I walked up my front steps panting. One of Nat’s older sisters, Suzanne, opened the door for me. Then she wrapped me up into her arms. No words were said, just the comforting embrace of a good friend.
    We stayed like that for a few minutes until Carly, his other older sister, saw us and joined in. Riley then ran to me and coiled himself around my legs. Then Nat’s parents, as well as my own.
    It was silent except for the quiet sniffling. We held each other for ten minutes before Riley tugged on my dress.
    “Brooke?” he asked.
    “Yes?”
    “Do you think that Nathan is watching us?” I thought about this carefully. I didn’t believe in heaven or hell, especially after this. No god would tear this boy from us. But although he was gone, I could still feel part of him with me.
    “I think he is Riley. I think he’s watching us right now, thinking of how loved he is.” Riley smiled.
    “You really think so?”
    “I do.”
    “Me too,” his mom said. We all nodded in agreement and smiled faintly at each other. We parted and my mom came up to me and brushed some of the dirt off of my back.
    “Are you hungry dear?” I shook my head.
    “No, I don’t think I can eat right now.”
    “You have to eat something.”
    “I will later. For now I think I’m going to go take a hot bath.” She nodded, hugged me once more, and allowed me to disappear up to my room.
    I got my softest, warmest pajama pants and one of the shirts Nathan had left here and brought them into my bathroom. My parents had given me the master suite, figuring that I spent more time in my room then they would.
    I started the water and poured bubbles in. When it was full I slowly lowered myself into the tub, wincing as the bubbles stung my many tiny cuts.
    The water was too hot, I never really tested it, but I was past caring. The steam fogged up the large mirrors on the side of the tub and I wrote “NPC” inside of a heart.
    I didn’t do much in the tub. I washed my hair after about twenty minutes but otherwise just sat there. Then about twenty minutes later, I decided to scrub the dirt off of my body. Then more sitting.
    Someone knocked on my door. It was Carly. “Can I come in?” she asked. I looked at the water and saw that all the bubbles had disintegrated.
    “Give me a minute, and I’ll come out.”
    “Okay.” I heard her walk six steps to my bed (Nathan and I had counted the steps from the door to all of the various key areas in my room once) and pulled the stopper. I stepped out, dried off, and got dressed before opening the door and sitting next to Carly.
    “Brooke,” she said quietly, “we’re all really worried about you. As much as we all loved him, I think you’re taking this the hardest.”
    “I’ll be okay.” She laughed.
    “You know, you’ve always been a horrible liar.” I tried smiling.
    “I know…” She sighed and looked at the picture wall I had so painstakingly hung up last month.
    “Carly, I don’t think I can go to school.”
    “Don’t you want to graduate so you can go to college?”
    “College? I don’t think I can do that either.”
    “Don’t give up Brooke. You  know how pissed off Nathan would be?”
    “What does it matter? He’s not here.” My words were edged. She flinched. “I’m sorry…” I mumbled.
    “It’s okay. Mom ordered pizza. Come downstairs and eat.” I shook my head. “Yes, come on. Don’t starve yourself.” She grabbed my arm and pulled me into the living room. Everyone was sitting around the TV talking and eating. Riley ran up to me and offered me a slice. I took it halfheartedly and sat with him on the floor.
    Everyone stared at me until I took a bite. Then they resumed they’re chatter. Everyone tried including me but I only gave one word answers to any questions they asked. The whole time I sat there, I imagined the time Nathan and I got kicked out of pizza hut.

    I was on a date last year with this guy named Louis. I thought he was nice until he started to try to grope me under the table. I texted Nat asking him to come pick me up because I was really uncomfortable.
    Louis started to get really bad. Then Nat showed up and barged in. I stood to leave with him and Louis got upset and yanked me back into the booth. Nat started to scream at him and Louis ‘accidentally’ knocked his ice water down the front of my white shirt. Nat then grabbed him by the collar and shoved him into a table, which broke under his weight. Then he grabbed me and asked if I was okay before giving me his sweatshirt.
    Louis got up and tried  to hit Nathan but Nat got to him first. Then they started to fight in the middle of the restaurant until the manager came, broke them up, and kicked us out.
    Nathan then drove me home, repeatedly asking me if I was okay. Meanwhile, he was the one with a bloody nose.
   
    I laughed to myself and everyone stopped talking again to look at me. I cleared my throat, finished my pizza, and escaped back into my room. I locked the door and sat down on my bed.
    I couldn’t help but wonder why that memory didn’t hurt. Maybe because a year feels like a long time ago… it’s not so fresh as to be remembering how it felt to have his arms around me, or how his eyes sparkled when he laughed…
    I got up and ran to the bathroom. I needed to avoid these fresh memories because as expected, my attempts at eating were futile. I fell apart again and curled up on the bathroom floor, struggling to breathe through the sobs.
    I heard a rapid knocking on my bedroom door. “Brooke?” I heard my father.
    “I’m fine,” I forced out.
    “Let’s talk.”
    “I’m fine. I need to be alone.”
    “Brooke--”
    “Alone.” I heard him walk away and bit into my lip, trying to get myself to stop. I flushed the toilet and stood warily, leaning on the sink. I dug into a drawer and pulled out some scissors.
    I had a friend who cut herself once. She said it helped her cope…
    I slid the blade across my skin, pushing down roughly. I closed my eyes, waiting for the sharp edge to take away the pain. Instead of relief, I found myself to be in more pain and bleeding. Hastily, I pressed a paper towel to my cut and started crying again. There seemed to be no escape. It seemed there would never be an escape.
*****
    My bus jerked to a stop in front of my house. It had gone two weeks without picking me up. There wasn’t much of a point in going; there were only three weeks left in the year anyway but my mom wanted me to graduate. I didn’t care, I just wanted to get it over with.
    I took my seat in the back, ignoring how everyone stared at me. They surely noticed how I was still pale and sickly looking, how my hair was a mess and how I avoided looking anyone in the eye. How loosely my clothes fit me because I have so much trouble keeping food down, how I didn’t say a word to anyone.
    Everyone started to whisper. A few people tried offering condolences, I got a few cards, but the whispering was annoying me. Thankfully, in the past few weeks I’ve learned to shut everything out, so I receded into my loneliness and stared out of the window blankly.
    When we stopped at Nat’s house to pick up Riley, I lost myself for a moment and waited for Nathan to sit down next to me. Instead, Riley saw me peeking over the edge of the seat eagerly and fought his way to the back of the bus.
    “You’re back!” he said, throwing his arms around me. I nodded and patted his head, fighting back the flood of memories. My chest started to ache and I tried not to show Riley that I was having trouble breathing.
    The past few weeks have been difficult. Everyone else in our families has started functioning on a normal level; Riley was back in school three days after the funeral and Carly and Suzanne headed back to school two days after that. His parents went back to work, and for them everything was almost like it used to be.
    I, on the other hand, wasn’t doing so well. I pulled myself together when around others, especially Riley, to make it seem like I was grieving the normal way. However, whenever I was alone I often found myself crying so hard that I couldn’t stand. Many nights were curled up on the bathroom floor so that when my stomach involuntarily forced it’s way through my throat in the middle of the night, it wasn’t a problem. I hadn’t touched the scissors again except to carefully carve “Nat” into my forearm.
    “Why are you touching your arm like that?” Riley asked. I looked at him, my vision focusing from the blur it was just moments ago, and moved my hand off of the scabs under my sleeve.
    “No reason,” I whispered. He looked at me oddly. “Are you allowed back here?” I asked.
    “I don’t know, but I want to sit with you.”
    “Okay.” He rested his tiny head on my arm and looked up at me grinned. “Guess what Brooke,” he said.
    “What?”
    “Our class is singing a song for the entire school today.” I smiled.
    “High school too?”
    “Yep.”
    “Then I picked a good day to come back, didn’t I?”
    “Yes you did.” He hugged me and we stayed like that until we pulled into the school.
    The walk to my locker was painful. Not only was the entire student body watching me, as well as the teachers, but I had to walk past where Nat and I usually hung out. Then I saw the two people making out in the corner like they always do.

    “I don’t get it,” Nathan said.
    “Me either. Maybe she has really yummy lip gloss.”
    “In the back of her throat?” We laughed and gave each other high fives. My eyes were glued to the couple pressed up against the wall.
    “I can’t look away,” I said slowly.
    “Me either! I mean, I’m all for a little tongue, but seriously man, that’s just gross.” I nodded in agreement.
    We just watched them for a minute, unable to avert our gazes. Then she slipped her hand down the front of his pants. People who weren’t watching them wouldn’t of notice. The guy moaned and started kissing his girlfriend even more passionately.
    “Nat, help. I don’t want to watch anymore.” He grinned and grabbed my hand, pulling me away.
    “Better?” he asked, looking out of the big window in the hall. I smiled.
    “Much. Now promise me you’ll never take up a free hand job in public.” He laughed.
    “I promise, as long as you keep that lip gloss on your lips.”
    “But I don’t wear lip gloss.”    
    “I know, but if you ever do.” We smiled at each other.
    “Deal,” we said at the same time, shaking hands.

    I smiled and moved on to my locker. There, I was greeted by one of Nat’s friends. He gave me a hug.
    “Hey Brooke,” he said quietly.
    “Hi Evan.”
    “How are you holding up? I was late to the funeral, I didn’t see you there.”    
    “I couldn’t do it. I ran off.” He nodded and squeezed me to his chest.
    “I can’t even imagine how you’re here right now.”
    “Me either. I’m here for Nat, he’d be pissed if I didn’t graduate because of him.” Evan stepped back but kept his hand on my shoulder.
    “He would. Don’t make these four years of hell meaningless.” I smiled a little and turned to my locker.
    Once opened, I slammed it shut again. “What’s wrong?” Evan asked. I took a few deep breaths.
    “Pictures.”
    “Don’t you have the pictures in your room?”
    “No. I couldn’t take it anymore. I took them all down and put them in a box. But I forgot about the ones here. Could you…?”
    “No. I think it’s important for you to keep them up. You’ll feel bad if you try to erase him.”
    “I’m not trying to erase him. It’s just hard to see him right now.”
    “I can understand that. How about you share my locker until you’re ready.” I nodded and followed him.
    Just as I had gotten everything I needed the bell rang. I hugged Evan again before heading off to my class.
    My English teacher smiled at me warmly as I entered and called me up to her desk.
    “Brooke, you’re back.”
    “Yes.” She handed me a folder.
    “Here’s all the work you missed. If you try I’m sure you can catch up. You’re a smart girl.”
    “Thanks,” I said, taking the folder. I went to my seat and closed my eyes, trying to calm down. His face haunted my dreams still, the night of the accident replaying in my nightmares.

    We were walking to my house from our spot in the middle of the day. I was really tired because we had stayed up all night working on our video production ideas. We were writing our script together, and normally we wouldn’t be up all night doing anything school related, but we were on a roll.
    “Hey, look,” I said, pointing across the street.
    “What are we looking at?”
    “There’s a baby bunny in the bush.”
    “How can you see that from here? And we only slept for three hours.”
    “Because I can. I wanna go take a picture. You gonna come?”
    “No, that’s a long walk.” I shrugged and started to walk across the road with my camera.
    Everything that happened next was a blur. Nathan was screaming and all of a sudden I there was a car coming over the hill. The driver slammed on the breaks and I couldn’t move, I was paralyzed in fear.
    That’s when I felt a shove on my back. I flew face first into the pavement, and heard a terrible noise. When I turned around, I saw Nathan laying in the middle of the road. He wasn’t moving. I frantically scrambled to him.
    “Nat,” I whispered, unable to say anything else. I grabbed his bloody hand and looked him in the eye. He squeezed my fingers weakly before muttering a garbled sentence I couldn’t understand and dying. Right there in the middle of the road. He didn’t have a chance at resuscitation, there wasn’t much use in calling the medics.
    And it was saving me. It should have been me crushed under the weight of the car, it should have been me broken and bleeding on the rough pavement. He saved my life, but I wished I was dead right then and there. That an eighteen wheeler would plow me over, causing me to die in a very painful manner, so I could suffer more than him. He didn’t deserve it.

    “No!” I screamed. Everyone was watching me recall this, my fingers digging into the desk, tears streaming down my face. I was sobbing hysterically, unable to breathe or move or do anything but look at the people eyeing me with pity.
    My teacher was on the phone, nervously trying to get a hold of someone who could help. I felt the familiar sensation rising in my throat and got up to run to the bathroom.
    I barely made it, and quickly cleared the room of stragglers who were skipping class. This was one of my more severe episodes. My stomach heaved until there was nothing left, and then more, making my throat and nose burn. Between the vomiting and the crying, I could only manage small gasps of air and quickly found myself feeling quite light headed.
    The school nurse and the principal ran into the bathroom and found me leaning over a disgusting toilet bowl, gagging and crying and gasping and sobbing.
    “What do we do?” the principal asked frantically.
    “Maybe we should call 911, she’s not breathing well.”
    “Evan,” I choked out.
    “Evan who?” the nurse asked. The principal grabbed his radio.
    “Someone get Evan Winters to the girls bathroom on the second floor immediately,” he said.
    “Girls bathroom?” someone radioed back.   
    “Yes. Tell him Brooke is asking for him.”
    I closed my eyes, hoping to disappear. The nurse rubbed my back and flushed the toilet for me. I wiped my mouth and leaned back against the stall.
    “Honey, can you breathe a little better?” she asked.
    “Yes,” I lied. It felt like there was a lump in my throat; impenetrable except for a few measly particles at a time.
    “Brooke?” I heard Evan approaching. He came into the stall and the nurse backed out. He immediately cradled my head into his soft chest, wrapping me up in his arms.
    “I’ve got it from here,” he said.
    “I don’t know,” the nurse replied hesitantly. The principal took off his walkie talkie and put it on the floor.
    “Call if there’s issues.” Evan nodded and the others walked out.
    “Calm down Brooke,” he said gently. I shook my head. “You can too, don’t give up.” He stroked my head and whispered soothingly to me.
    “Thank you,” I said quietly. “You’re an amazing friend. I know you talked to Nat more than you talked to me so I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this.”
    “No problem. I miss him too, we have to stick together. I’ll be here for you.” I tried taking a deep breath, but it didn’t work.
    “It wasn’t a bunny,” I said, breaking out into hysterics again.
    “What?” he asked.
    “It wasn’t a bunny. It was a rock, and it was all for nothing.” I buried my head into Evan’s chest again and cried until I could cry no more.

Author's Note

Opinions please =D Constructive criticism welcome.