Breathe

First period Spanish after a very hard night

    Breathe in breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. This was all I could do to keep from crying. Breathe in, breathe out. I can't cry, not here, not now, not in front of him. Breathe in, breathe out.
    I'm so confused, I don't know who is right or wrong, I don't know how to feel. I don't want to cry, I know there is no reason. He loves me, but I can't help but wonder.
    No. No more wondering. Thinking does nothing but screw me over. It's time to just turn off my brain, to focus on breathing and testing to see how deep I can bite into my lip without making it bleed. Breathe in, breathe out.
    I saw him doing something, but I didn't look. No wondering, just breathing. My tactics were doing a fine job; I had gotten myself in control again. Just staring at the desk and breathing.
    For the entire period I did this. Staring, breathing, and chewing. I was called on a few times, thankfully while still in control. I did what I needed to and turned my brain off again.
    I wanted to look at him, to tell him my worries. I wanted him to tell me that it would never happen, that he'll love me forever. but if I did that I would break down again and I can't allow that. He can't see, not now.
    The clock said we had two minutes left. I felt a very warm hand on my shoulder. He smiled at me a little and I returned it halfheartedly. However I was starting to lose my composure again. Breathe in, breathe out.
    "What's wrong?" he asked. Breathe in, breathe out.
    "Nothing." He frowned.
    "That's not true, something is wrong."
    "It's nothing, I’m just a little stressed out." I smiled again, hoping to reassure him. He didn't buy it but didn't question me further.
    When the bell rang we walked to his class silently. We stopped by the wall and he pulled me into his chest.
    Breathe in, breathe out.
    I was breathing in his scent, nuzzling my nose against his soft neck. This is what I needed right now; the feeling of his embrace, the smell of his skin, and the sound of his heartbeat under my head. I didn't want to go, didn't want him to go.
    Breathe in, breathe out. I was losing my composure again but it was alright, I had him.
    "I love you," he said, giving me a kiss."
    "I love you too," I whispered, and for a moment, I thought maybe everything would be alright.

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Courtney Shaddock