On Fighting A Monkey

When I was twelve, my dad's pet Long-Tailed Macaw attacked me while I was cleaning her cage.

This one time when I was 12 I was cleaning the monkey cage, and all of a sudden Brina (my dad's overprotective and totally in love female Long-Tail Macaw) starts doing all this aggressive ape posturing, wide eyes and flashing her giant f*****g fangs n' s**t. 

Now this never ever happened before, normally we're all buddy-buddy but I guess she was on her monkey period or some s**t because she went ape-s**t that day.
At least now I know where that expression comes from.

I look at my dad with a kind of panicked "what the hell dude? Get me the f**k out of here" look, but he's just standing there on the other side of the closed cage door, taking it all in as if he was watching some twisted Japanese Monkey vs. Kid game show; he didn't move, just said "Opgepast!" which roughly translates into "Incoming!" in Dutch. 

So I look at Brina out of the corner of my eye while still giving my dad the "what the flying f**k is going on?!?" look just as she straight up LEAPS at my face, monkey claws reaching for me, four-inch canine teeth bared and ready to inflict serious damage.

And so I did what I would do to any hostile thing with teeth flying at my face: Little Mikey one-two's her in the face, as hard as he can.

She flops to the ground in front of me slightly dazed, but monkeys are tough sons of b*****s so I back up towards the cage door and quickly glance back at my dad, seeing if he's opening it up by now. No such luck. -_-*  

Instead, he's got this big grin on his face and just gives me a thumbs-up.

By now I've given up hope of ever getting out of that damn cage alive, so I face Brina again, and punch her out of the air just as she jumps at me once more.

This goes on for about a minute, with seven attempts in total of me playing a deranged game of Whack-A-Monkey, punching a pissed-off ape trying to bite my face off out of the air, until after the seventh try she finally gives up and backs up away from me to a high corner perch in the cage.

Only THEN does my dad opens the cage door and let me out. Yeah, that sums him up pretty well I guess.
Loves me to death, trained me to death, and will always ensure that I stand my ground against anything, even to death.