On Sandy Hook

Notes on a tragedy

I cried at work today. In the bathroom with the water running loud to cover up my sobbing. I cried because I couldn't help imagining my little brother's school halls echoing with the sound of gunshots. I just... I felt something I never want to feel ever again. I don't want to think about getting a phone call telling me that something unthinkable has happened at Julien's school. A person with guns stalking the halls of a school filled with children too young to even fully comprehend what is happening.

But this is exactly what did happen in Connecticut today. And I can't stop trying not to think about it. Call it running away, call it avoiding reality, call it the actions of a coward. Call it what you want and you're probably right. But I can't stand these nightmarish thoughts that hurt more than any physical pain I've ever felt.

So I wiped away my tears and got to work, losing myself in the physical actions of my duties; emptying my mind. Autopilot. Blanking out my thoughts in a desperate attempt to escape the terrifying reality of what happened today.

But it did happen, and nothing will ever bring those kids back.

I could write here how sorry I feel for the families of all those that passed away in Sandy Hook, but I think words are meaningless now.

I don't think anything anybody can say or do or think or feel or wish or pray can take away the anguish.

We all feel the loss of what happened, but nothing compares to how the families must feel.

So there is nothing left to say.