Recalling those days

Chapter 1 �" Recalling Those Days
“The breeze feels so good…” Yashica says as she walks towards the end of the cliff. “I love early winter mornings..” she says as she hugs herself, a soft smile constantly playing on her lips. The moon is shining too beautifully to bear it with the naked eyes just like it is difficult to let people, beautiful people who form the cradle of your life, pass into a night full of darkness. And the only thing you see is your reflection holding a candle on the edge of the world.
Her silky hair are tied in a messy bun on top of her head, with a few strands gracing her forehead as she stares into the east waiting for the sun to rise. Wearing an oversized cashmere top with black ripped jeans and ankle length boots, Yashica struggles to walk as the wind blows against delicate dusky skin making her eyes water and her blood run cold. It is 4.30 am on the clock but since it is winter the skies are the darkest shade of blue. She rests against her beautiful red sedan, the car being the only companion of hers at that time.
She caresses the car and then sits on the bonnet and stretches herself with poise over the glass staring at the stars burning ferociously far in some different universe. I have a lot of universe in me, all I need is skies and a few stars she says to herself and lets out a chuckle as her eyes well up with bitter and salty tears.
She scrunches her nose to stop the water flowing out of it. She lies there for a couple of minutes as she notices that the stars are illuminating a little softer and the sky is a lighter tint than it was before.
5 a.m. the mobile phone informs her when she checks for the time.
--
“Yashica, get up honey. It’s 5 a.m.” her mother calls who is standing leaning against the frame of her bedroom’s door. “Ma, two more minutes, please?” Yashica says as she flips over on her stomach falling back asleep. After a few seconds pass by, Yashica bounces on her bed like a spring and enter the bathroom to get ready for school. Just a little over 5 years, the little Yashica showed the enthusiasm and maturity of a 10 year old. Unlike other children, she didn’t need her mother to bathe her or feed her breakfast, lunch and dinner or put her to sleep or make her do her homework.
After wearing her uniform and untangling her shoulder length hair with her pink Barbie hairbrush Yashica exits her bedroom and climbs down the staircase singing baa baa black sheep, her favorite rhyme.
“Hey little monster, come to daddy.” Her father calls from behind and in response to his words Yashica turns back and hugs her daddy dearest. She was the type of child every parent would want to have. Playing potato sack the father - daughter duo enter the kitchen where her mother and aunt are cooking breakfast for their kids.
“Maaaaa, what do you want? Potato or onion?” Yashica giggles sitting on father’s back. “I want to buy onion. How much is it for?” her mother replies grinning from ear to ear. “Only Rs 10 ma.” She says proudly after making her first deal.
“C’mon now. Get off your daddy’s back and finish your milk in 5 minutes.” Her mother lovingly caresses her forehead and gives a quick peck on it. Obediently she gets off her father’s back and sits on her chair at the dining table. Yashica lived in a joint family with two uncles, two aunts, one bua and her grandparents. Living in a joint family means a lot of rules and restrictions but also a lot of love and care. One such rule was that each person in the family had a fixed place at the dining table.
Yashica hurried gulped down all the milk and handed over the glass to the mother who is cooking a tasty breakfast or poha for her. Even though Yashica wasn’t much of a fan of poha, she loved her mother way too much to hurt her feelings.
And she was 5 year old at that time.
At the dining table, everyone starts to take their seats as the breakfast is almost prepared and tea and milk is being poured out for everyone. Her mother takes a seat beside Yashica while her father sits on her other side. After taking first bite of the breakfast, Yashica says, “yummm, ma this is very tasty.”
Later Yashica and her father leave to drop her at school. She came from one of the richest and most influential families of Bangalore but her day wouldn’t start if her father didn’t personally leave her to school and her mother didn’t come to pick her up after the school got over.
It was around the same time her uncle and aunt welcomed her cousin sister home and things took a toll in Yashica’s life. A curse in disguise of a new born….
--
Yashica smiled to herself as the sun was now visible through the thick grey clouds. The sky felt new with a silver lining and a tinge of pink and orange. Orange, the color reminds her of so many things.
--
Yashica was a beautiful baby. Her dusky skin, big almond eyes and luscious black hair were a winning combination but her family was too blind with tints of cream that they underestimated Yashica’s gorgeous and shining dusky skin. Indians are known for the variety of skin they are brown with, the ethnicity, the charm every skin color has.
“Yashica go sit on your father’s lap.” Her uncle dictated in a stern voice scaring Yashica. Just like her cousins, Yashica too loved her uncle and being the eldest of all children, she was supposed to get the maximum love. “Come here, darling.” Her father scooped her in his laps and gave her chocolates to take her mind off the recent incident. As days passed by, frequency of incidents like this seemingly increased. Yashica and her parents chose to remain muted on the incident; the reason… is it necessary to always have a reason? Well, that’s what her family members always thought. “Shekhar , you need to do something about her. It will be difficult to find a groom for her when it comes of age.” Her uncle whispered to her father which is obviously overheard as she was sitting on her father’s lap at that moment. It was kind of a purposeful action by her uncle.
For that moment she chose to ignore it, she was too tiny to even understand what marriage actually was! Her father gave her uncle a tight nod and continued talking to Yashica.
**
“Come here kids, I’ve got presents for you.” Yashica’s aunt who stayed in Mumbai and come home for the holidays. She was everyone’s favorite aunt as she would always bring gifts for everyone in the family. By the time Yashica was 8, there were 4 more additions to the family- two more sisters and two brothers. “What have you got for me, auntie?” Yashica asked her aunt who’d come from Mumbai. “You will love what I’ve brought for you.” She replied in a monotonous tone.
“Wow, when will I get it?” Yashica asked looking at the bags in her aunt’s hand. “When all other kids get it.” She replied. Just like any other child of her age, Yashica loved being showered by gifts and surprises. After lunch, her aunt started giving gifts to all the children. “And, this is for you, Yashica.” Her aunt said pulling out a fluorescent frock from the bag. Looking at the present, everyone started laughing, imagining how ugly would she look in the fluorescent dress. Perplexed as to how to reply and as tears were now flowing down her blushed cheeks, she ran into her bedroom still holding the fluorescent dress close to her chest. Her mother hurried after her and tried consoling her, feeling worst for her daughter and an extreme hatred towards Yashica’s aunt, who had hurt her little bundle of joy.
Taking her in her arms, her mother said, “Yashica, it’s okay. She must have brought it by mistake.” But Yashica had enough. The eight year old didn’t deserve so much of trauma. So what if she was dark, how does the skin color determine one’s personality? Yashica yelled, then cried and then again yelled. “So what if I am not fair? Is it my mistake to be born this way, ma? Tell me.” She said wiping tears from her cheeks.
There was no reply her mother would think of. She appreciated her daughter’s maturity but hated that these incidents were taking away the precious moments of her childhood from her.
“What do these people think of themselves? How can they blame me and consider me low?” She fired another question. Her father till them stood outside the room practicing what he should tell his little monster because nothing seemed valid in front of her questions. Taking a deep breath he dared to enter the room.
“Why did everyone laugh at me, dad? Did I do something wrong?” She asked her father. “Why differentiate between fair and dark?” She asked. Her sobs had toned down, now that both her parents were there by her side.
Her father had nothing to answer her because he knew she was right. And for an eight year old to go through so much, he was saddened greatly by it. “Dad, I don’t want to stay here. Take me away.” She said bringing him out of his thoughts. “These people are bad. They don’t love me. I don’t want… don’t want to stay here, dad.” She said between the sobs. Her father realised how much pressure was it on her to face the same comments and abuses for all these years.
“You are so beautiful, Yashica. Your eyes are just like your mother’s. And you know, a person’s heart is what matters more than anything else. If you are good at heart then the color of your skin is not important at all.” He said patting her back. He then took her round face in his hands and said, “Promise me, Yashica. You will never judge a person based on his or her looks. Know the person well. Know why the person behaves so. Know the person’s heart and only then make your assumptions. Everyone is good. The heart needs to be pure.” He said. “See people in different shades, know what the root of their behaviour is, help them grow and become a better person.” Her father concluded and in an instant there was a feeling of goodness flowing through Yashica’s blood.
**
Yashica’s passion was spread in many things but something that burned her soul was dancing. It was at a very young age, just when she had started to walk, she would dance as her mother sang old melodies. “She is really good at dancing.” Her dance teacher tells her mother after the dance class is over. The ways she moves, her expressions are very mesmerizing. Her smile is addictive but it is also very innocent. We all love her in here.” Her dance teacher told her mother while Yashica talked with her dance class friends. Her mother was a very subtle and simple person, and in spite of being from a renowned family, her biggest quality was being grounded.
“But..”
“But what ma’am?”
“We cannot make her the main dancer, Mrs. Oberoi. The clothes are sparkly and they won’t look good on her.” Her dance teacher said.
“But it’s just a small event. Who cares about the skin color?” Her mother argued.
“I know, Mrs. Oberoi. But everyone wants the main dancer to be pretty and fair.”
“Isn’t being a good dancer, a graceful and expressive dancer the only criteria?” her mother argued further.
The world will be partial towards you or towards someone else. The world will judge you, torture you, and batter you until you don’t have anything left in you. Then the world will move on to some other sufferer and torture her. It’s a viscous cycle and it is only the fittest is who survives. Material things like money, beauty and fame are everything that matter to the world. But just surviving isn’t enough, is it?
“Yashica, let’s go home honey! Your father’s got something special for you!”
**

Days passed by and one fine Monday morning, “Yashica, honey… it’s time to go to school. Wake up sleepy head.” Her mother said kissing her forehead. “No ma. I don’t want to go to school.” she grumbles and drifts away in deep slumber. “Why don’t you want to go to school, Yashica? Don’t you like studying?” Her mother enquired.
It wasn’t that she wasn’t noticing the minute changes in her daughter. She simply ignored them thinking they were pre-pubertal changes, the hormones had started playing their part and that her daughter was finally growing up. A growing child is very taxing for parents because for them the time passes by in the blink of the eye that they fail to accept the changes.
“No, darling. Let’s go to school. No more leaves.” Her mother insists and pulls her out of her bed. “Please, ma. I am not feeling well. Please don’t send me to school.” She pleaded as a tear escaped her eyes and wetted her cheeks.
Being a mother is a huge responsibility. It is a dreadful job; it takes in a woman to give up her entire life for the life of a tiny human being and become a mother. Being a mother is a full time job, there are no holidays, no half days but the unconditional love of your child. Yashica’s mother is able to see the pain behind Yashica’s strong self but she is completely unaware of the reason behind it.
Aren’t teachers known to be a second mother to the child? With a big round face and Pekinese eyes the teacher looked like a villain of a famous Disney movie. Needless to say, she did ruin a few things for Yashica. Yashica’s parents cared for her but they didn’t like to come visit the teachers. But the teachers considered it as an insult and would favour kids whose parents would come to meet them often or the ones who did very well in school or those who would get them roses and chocolates every Christmas and teacher’s day. Had this inequality not been there, Yashica had tried to improve herself with this so-called second ‘parents’.
“You know, Yashica, you are of no good.” Her teacher had once told her because she wasn’t able to solve a math sum in during school. “You should probably stay at home.” She added, hurting the tiny creature she called her student. Her delicate heart was broken into a million tiny pieces, the pieces were so scattered that Yashica wasn’t able to collect them back.
Who likes being neglected and ignored by teachers but Yashica had no other option because they considered her non-existent.
Losing interest in studies and extra-curricular was obvious. The child who was brilliant in studies till 4th grade suffered a major downfall in secondary school. So who was to blame for it? The teachers? Or the fact that Yashica let it affect her? Or her color?
How teachers can be so cruel, she thought as her eyes welled up with tears, self-pitying her, feeling guilty and humiliated at the same time. Secondary school wasn’t really the fun other children boast so much about!
“It isn’t that I am good for nothing.” Yashica tells herself as she sits in the car that was sent to bring her home. She knew she hadn’t fared well in her exams; the pressure of exceeding everyone, the pressure of being the ‘pretty’ one was so much that it ruined any energy that was left within her delicate frame.
The following night, sleep hardly seeped into Yashica. She flipped sides, slept on her stomach then her back, then sat up for a little while but still she couldn’t sleep. Her thoughts where cramped up with the open house that was the next day. She wanted to escape that day, maybe invent a machine and skip that day of her lifetime.
She was still lying in bed when the mother came in and said that her father and she were going for the open house. It sounded nothing less than going to prison for a crime you didn’t even commit!
At the school, her parents weren’t well welcomed.
“Yashica needs to improve in her subjects. If she continues like this we won’t be able to promote her to the next grade.” Her teacher said sternly. Her mother looked at Yashica’s report card and blinked away the tears. She knew Yashica was a bright child and this result was shocking. After returning home, her mother asked Yashica what was bothering her.
“Yashica, is there something you want to tell me? Is something bothering you?” Her mother asked. “Why aren’t you studying well?” she asked lovingly.
“I don’t like the teachers, ma. They hate me.” Yashica said scared of her mother’s reaction. “Hate is a very strong word to use, Yashica. You shouldn’t use that word.” Her mother said.
“No, ma. They don’t like me. They don’t pay any attention to me. They always tell that I am of no good and that I shouldn’t go to school.” Just like any other mother, her mother was left shock by her daughter’s revelations. “Promise me, Yashica. Don’t let these things affect you. People say only because they are jealous of you.” Her mother said.
  So what if I am not good at Geography, History and Science? So what if Algorithm’s theorem doesn’t amuse me? So what if I don’t care when and where was Aurangzeb born? So what if I don’t want to know how tall is Mt. Everest? So if I cannot differentiate between protons and neutrons? Does that mean I should be valued less as a human? Yashica scribbles in her diary as tears flow relentlessly down her cheeks.
The person Yashica was 5 years down the line was long gone. She no more enjoyed studying or dancing or taking part in competitions. She lost her interests in things she was so passionate about. The dreadfulness of the situation only seemed to worsen as the days passed by because she wanted love, she wanted being touched and cared for, she wanted attention, the kind that wasn’t ruined by the chaos of the world… but all that was never written in her book of life.
Sunlight creeps through the window of her bedroom making Yashica get up and draw the curtains. As she is in the process of doing so, she realises the big and horrible mistake she was just going to commit. “No, Yashica. Don’t let anybody hurt you. Don’t shut out the sun, the sun is your inspiration. Be like the sun, become a power, become the one around whom everything revolves, give warmth to others but don’t burn them. Help others but never let anyone close to you.” Yashica peps talk to herself, wipes the streams her tears had left over her cheeks and walks out of the bedroom.

**
“No, you don’t tie to me rakhi, Yashica.” Said her cousin brother, Shravan. Even though younger than her by a few years, he had the audacity to tell Yashica to not tie him rakhi because he didn’t like the way she looked. “I will only let me real sister tie me rakhi first and then you can tie if you want to. Go away.” He says and runs away leaving Yashica heartbroken.
Dejected she went and sat beside her grandmother who was observing things happening in the room for a while. “Yashica, why don’t you go and tie rakhi to Aryan?”
As Yashica is ready to get up from the couch and move towards Aryan, his mother interrupts and says, “Oh, you little dear. I know you’re tying Aryan rakhi only because you want gifts. Am I right?” her words sting her. Everyone loves gift, but that surely wasn’t first of her motives. The way she delivered the statement made all the difference. Her cruel words kept repeating in the mind like how it repeats on a recorder, every time the voice got louder. Yashica looked at her grandmother who eyed her to come sit next to her.
The dinner was delicious, after all her mother was the best chef in town. Not that she was trained, but it was inborn, her hands were magical, because the food is made was finger licking good! It was time for family photo, like always.
Like always, Yashica was kept aside. “Yashica why don’t you click the photo?” her aunt asked in showering fake love over her niece. “But I want to come in the photo.”
“No Yashica. Don’t you realise, there are too many people in the photo and if you come in, it will be spoilt. We all here are fair but you. So why don’t you click it?” her aunt snorts and walks away victoriously. Her cousins laughed at her making her feel miserable. It was not only painful but very insulting too.
**
Loving her cousins was her duty; at least that’s what her parents had always taught her. There had been times when elders scold her, but she never let her cousins shed a tear. She thought of it as her duty to protect her little cousins from all the negative aspects of the cruel and brutal world. But that wasn’t what she received from them ever. She was a matter of neglect to them.
Her parents were very calm people. They believed in spreading joy, love and happiness. Yashica had learnt the art of loving and accepting people around her from them. They had beautiful souls, just like Yashica’s.
Soon she realised that the rakhi tying ceremony is nothing but to seek gifts from your brother. She didn’t need those expensive gifts; her parents would bring that for her. She needed her cousins to reciprocate the love she showered on them. She wanted them to be unbiased, to consider her as a part of them. She even took to notice to never tie rakhi to any person because she never had her own brother.
--
And is what the problem was. She wanted to get away as far as possible in the deepest valleys and the densest jungles where no one knew her. It wasn’t that she wanted to leave but even after desperate efforts she could never win the love she deserved.