Chapter 10

    Nine months had passed since Mike said he could stop doing this drug whenever he wanted.  Actually though he had this monkey on his back for at least two years. 

     He had been smoking marijuana since he was thirteen.  Now he realized it was tough, really tough.  He didn't know if he wanted to be tougher, to beat this thing.  I knew, we, his parents could no longer take it.  I went for therapy, I was going out of my mind with this addiction, this disease!  I needed help to deal with it and Mike. 

     My therapist told me, now that Mike is in drug treatment and has access to counselors, he should learn how to deal with every day stresses.  I was trying to make his life go smoothly, don't upset him, don't argue around him, don't be critical of him, constructive or otherwise.  My therapist said life is full of ups and downs, let him learn to deal with them.

     We talked as a family every evening, we could sit around the table and talk and laugh for hours, before we knew it, it was time for the news and time for bed.  Those times were the best times I can remember, Mike was honest then, he talked about everything from drag racing to girls.  He talked to his sister Amy, he helped her with her homework, we were all happy, for now, for today, and today was the first day of the rest of your life.   One day at a time, you can't change yesterday, and there is no reason to worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow is not here yet!  See I did learn something in therapy. 

     Then Mike started keeping to himself more, hanging out in his room a lot.  He wasn't as happy as he'd been days earlier.  Something was on his mind.  He didn't want to talk as much as before.  In April at his court hearing he was moved to phase II and instead of having to come back to court in thirty days he was given sixty days before he had to report again to court.  His next court date would be June 21. 

     His counselor had recommended he start a drug called bromocriptine, this drug was supposed to release a chemical called endorphines, that you had blocked while doing drugs. Endorphines are happy little cells running around in your brain.   But if you did crack cocaine or cocaine on this drug it would

cause a stroke, and send you to a hospital. 

     He did fine on this drug for a while, he didn't like the dry nose, a side affect, and the mild headaches that accompanied the drug.  After being on the drug for about six weeks he decided to take them, maybe, every other day.  Then maybe not at all for three days, then he stayed off of it long enough to get high, the downhill spiral continued. 

     He wasn't doing well, he had an I don't give a s**t attitude! 

     His counselor was just waiting for him to hang himself, she told me, "I have given Mike enough rope now he will hang himself," she said, "with Mike,that is how it must happen."

     "He has to see consequences, for every thing he does, there will be a consequence."  She continued.

     I had to be a part of this, she said there was nothing I could do.  She told me to give him back his car, his money, his credit cards, and let him go!      

     I cried, "there has got to be something I can do, he's my son!" 

     She announced, "LET HIM GO!" 

     I angrily replied, "What will you tell me when he gets shot over there, this is a human being we're talking about here!" 

     She told me "He isn't going to get shot, this is the only way he will learn." 

     She talked to Mike, he admitted he'd been using, so she put him back in phase 1, and told him, when the others went to orientation for phase II, in front of everyone, "you would be going with them if you weren't dirty". 

     This only infuriated him more, I wondered if that was her plan!  I didn't understand the reasoning behind this drug treatment.  First they said if your dirty just tell us, then they treat them like the scum of the earth for telling their dirty. 

     I knew I didn't want him dirty, I wasn't sending mixed messages.  This was no time for head games!  Who am I to argue?  I'm just his mother, she was college educated, I think, she was a counselor! 

     He kept playing this game with himself, can I hide this addiction?  Can I use?  Will I get caught?  Weekends were the worst, although he didn't stay gone, he didn't disappear.  He'd smoke it in the shower!  What kind of high could that be? 

     He wasn't fooling anybody but himself, his features even changed when he was high.  His eyes, his nose, he sweat like a pig, and he could hardly talk, he whispered or talked very quietly.  I don't know how he enjoyed that.  He looked like a deer caught in the beam of a light.  He looked terrified! 

     May arrived, another month, he went to PTI and had a clean urine.  It was Mothers Day weekend and he planned a bar-be-que for my mother and me.  We planned to sit by the pool, swim and relax in the jacuzzi with a glass of white Zinfandel!  Mike was going to grill shish-kabob and chicken kabob.  I ran out of wine and asked him if he would go to the store for more wine, it was Mothers Day, I didn't want to go.  He said sure and he even asked Amy if she would go with him.  Amy didn't want to go, but Mike persisted, he said come with me Amy, I don't want to run into any drug dealers out there.  Amy went. 

     They came back with bouquets of flowers, bird of paradise, lilies of the valley, carnations, and my wine.  What a great Mothers Day.  Mike said he did run into a dealer at the store, and the dealer asked him if was still "doing that?" 

     Mike replied "not today!"

     When he told me this, I said, "I wished every day was Mothers Day." I hoped that was not the only reason he wasn't using! 

     The very next day though, there he went, I could not believe that he thought he shouldn't do it on Mothers Day, that would be almost sacrilegious, but the next day was fine. 

     The following weekend he said he would baby sit while his dad and I went to dinner with friends.  I told him we were leaving at six-thirty and he said he'd be there.  I went to pick up a friend of Amy's so she would have someone to play with, Mike didn't say anything about going out, he was there when I left, but when I got home he was gone. 

     Big Mike and I looked at each other, the only time he lets us down are the times he's using crack.  I had to go back where I just came from to get my mom to baby-sit.   Another hour trip and still no Mike and no word.  We went to dinner, we got home about eleven-thirty and at midnight the phone rang. 

     It was Mike and he was in jail, they picked him up for prowling again, he didn't have any drugs on him, so they charged him with prowling.  If I would bring him the twenty-five dollars he had on his dresser he could get out.  His dad said no. 

     I said, "It's his money, he left it here so he wouldn't spend it in crack town, I'm taking it to him." 

     His dad went with me to post bond and we left, knowing that in two to six hours he would be released.  They had towed his car so he would either call or walk home. 

     The next morning I awoke and checked his room, Amy and her friend were sound asleep in Mikes bed, I didn't see Mike anywhere.  I called the jail and they had released him. I called the tow company and they still had his car, where in the hell was he?  Amy came out and said she almost stepped on him getting out of bed.  He had come home and was sleeping on the floor next to his bed.

     I took him to the bank to get the one-hundred-ten dollars it would take to get his car out, and that was all the money he had except for a ten dollar roll of quarters on his dresser.  I took him to the tow company to get his car and told him I would follow him home, at home I asked him why? 

     "I don't know why mom, I just don't know." 

     "Well Mike, this cost you another hundred fifty bucks and

whatever your lawyer will charge to clear this up, was it worth it?"  I asked. 

     "No, I can't believe I keep doing this to myself and you, dad and Amy, I wish I could just be normal."

     I had to take my mom home and I asked Mike to watch the girls while I was gone, he said he would and I left. 

     I was so tired, not getting much sleep the night before, I just wanted to take mom home and get back home and take a nap.  An hour later I kicked back on the couch, Mike was in his room, kicking himself in the a*s, Amy and Kirby were playing peacefully.  I leaned back and closed my eyes, I drifted off to a nice sleep, then I heard Mike's car start up, was I dreaming?  Where in the, what the hell does he think he's doing?  I told him to park that car and not go anywhere.  I ran out the door and into the street screaming and whistling, he heard me I know, but around the corner he went.  Not this time I thought, you little s**t, not this time!!!