THE GREEN MOOSE

A Story by Autumn Takatch

have you ever wondered what you would do if you came upon a green moose.....

The Green Moose

By: Autumn Takatch

Have you ever wondered what you would do if you came upon a green Moose? Well, you might think that I'm insane after posing such a question of: Have you ever seen a green moose. So, this is a story about the day that I actually saw one….

“Wait!” I almost forgot, before we get into the little details, let's start back at the beginning.

“Hi, my name is Rhonda. yes , RHONDA people, shut up. Rhonda Lane to be exact. I’m 22 years old and currently going to the nut house, A.K.A. The Boston Nutcracker Finishing School for Girls. I'm 5’4”, have long brown hair and green eyes, and that's all you basically need to know.

Normally when girls go to a finishing school, they're 15 and have done something pretty drastic to be put in there. Me, I'm considered, well...how do I put this? Weird. Have no life. Antisocial? Nah, I’d rather be just a normal, regular girl to others, Not a sore thumb that sticks out.

I’m here because my parents don’t want to deal with me. So this is their way of saying: “We love you honey, now get out!” You're probably thinking that i’m kidding? (I’m not) Anyway, getting a bit off topic here. Where was I…. (shuffling the papers in the background) Oh yes, the treed noose….

Wait, whaaaaa? No, that can't be right. (more shuffling of papers in the background mixed with elevator music)

Here it is! “THE GREEN MOOSE!” It’s my favorite personal experience to recall. Okay, to start off with---

It was a regular spring day back in August. I was just being a good old chap, studying the Black Plague… UMMM, hold on, scratch that. Let's go back to the thing I just said…. I said: “It was a regular spring day back in August?” How is that even possible? But whatever, why not, let's just go with it.

Yes, so it was a nice spring day back in August, being a bright and sunny one at that. I was----uhhh, wait, yes! that’s right! I was being a good old chap studying away like no ones business, picking back up the story of the assassination of the Tacky Leg… Ughh, stupid dyslexia!

“THE BLACK PLAGUE!!!!” It was in that moment I started to read something about Sir Mister Lancelot the Fifth, who was at the time, in the middle of dying from choking on his own throat parts (gross)

Saying:

“ Oh thou sire, why doseth this have to happeneth to thy!” “No such nobeleth feat could occur to thee...” blah--scribble- blah.

Focusing as much as one could on the ridiculous script was one thing, but when all of a sudden, your roommate named Rebecca bursts through the doorway screaming something about a lead goose, you sorta just, stop what you're doing. During such a time as having unexpected, yet “expected” disruptions I found myself mumbling things like:

“Yeah, sure, whatever you want….” This comment was made because, no matter the circumstance, I would always be uninterested in anything my roommate had to say.

I figured in this case, that it was probably another one of Rebecca’s “crisis’s,” (which happened a lot by the way) in which something “awful” happened like running out of mascara, or getting chased by the old git of a man next door. (At this time of interlude Rebecca was still screaming her head off about her subject of interest, which prompted me to finally look up exasperated)

Managing to only whimper out a “Yes?” to her antics, I finally looked up. When Rebecca realized she had my full attention, she lit into a tirade of sentences strung together haphazardly. “Like, OH MYYY GAWWD!!! Theres like, a GREEN MOOSE, like OUTSIDE!”

This statement came out loud and clear, but no less annoying. Rubbing my bloodshot eyeballs with my fists, I was totally not in the mood for this conversation. So, I asked in a polite way: “Dude, what did you just say again?”

She immediately responded with “A LIKE, GREEN MOOSE! Like, DUH!” After grasping what she announced somewhat, I ground out through clenched teeth, “Yeah, I’m sure.”---

*(Okay let’s pause a minute to explain Rebecca and well, recalling this makes me need a reality check anyway.)

So Rebecca is this really annoying, popular, little thing of a “girl” that thinks it’s okay to come to me for “advice.” (Also notice the quotation marks around girl because I’m pretty sure she’s made out of 75% plastic last time I checked.)

The label attached to her forehead clearly reads: “HANDLE WITH CARE!” To say in the least, I try to be a good person, given the circumstances around our forced relationship. In cases like these I try to be the nice, young, beautiful, amazing, awesome, gorgeous, babe that I am- and use them to my advantage.

Turning into my understanding self, I reply to her situations with either: “Yes Becca, the toilet paper IS under the sink, so look again.” OR

“Your purse is with Jody. NO, not Amelia, I said Jody!”

And on goes the daily struggles of having an airhead for a roommate. I recall saying something about Rebecca being about 75% plastic, which most assuredly turns her into a literal barbie doll. To top that off, she even has the long, blonde, bouncy curls with sky blue eyes and enough makeup to make even the actor Megan Fox jealous.

Rebecca has just about everything plastic surgery can do for a girl. She has botox, her nose done, and even her own tanning bed that she tans in until her skin is “baked to perfection.”

Not only this, but she has room for b**b implants, pedicures everyday, laser surgery, and even a wig on the side to complete the “look.”
I even caught myself saying under my breath, “Is that all?” Lastly, to make a bad situation worse, Rebecca is 21 years old which makes it legal for her to drink. Apparently alcohol is the “newest” thing and hottest topic around campus, or maybe it was how she partied with an ostrich in the jacuzzi. (I know doesn’t make sense and the ostrich thing is a topic for another time, sorry.)

Okay anyway back on track, Rebecca wears and does just about whatever she wants to. So, if she wants to run around campus in her bra and undies, it's okay, for the staff will look the other way for a bit of pocket change.

Why can she do this you may ask? It’s simple. Her pops, or “daddykins” is totally rich and famous. I mean some girls ask for a pair of new shoes or even a phone, but with Rebecca all she has to do is call her agent Bobby and BAM, insta barbie dreamhouse. (Btw that is actually a show on netflix. NEVER watch it. *shivers just recalling the memory*) With daddykins money, she owns a private jet with her initials painted on the side in bold letter to top it off.

*(okay unpause)*

Going back to the present situation, I ask Rebecca where this said “green moose” is. Glowering as if i’m stupid, she flicks her hair twirling, probably thinking too hard for what the situation called for. I even managed not to cringe when thinking what her poor brain was going through. Biting her perfect nails she focused on something only she could see.

Then as if that never occurred, Rebecca snapped to attention and trotted out the door tripping on her own heels. Before I followed suit, I paused deciding whether I should really go on this escapade. Of course the pause was only momentarily because curiosity eventually always won out and I went to investigate the “situation.”

When outside, I scanned my surroundings noting that nothing seemed amiss. There was no “green moose” only a couple of morons waving their arms wildly as if I couldn’t see them from 10 feet away. When the pair came within arms length, I gave a smirk and asked sarcastically “YOU'RE the green moose?” to Rebecca's “boyfriend” William.

In perfect unison (which creeped me out) they both exclaimed “No! It's in the woods we must track it down and find it!” like they rehearsed that line everyday. Stiffening in dramatic censure, I looked as downcast as possible, murmuring “disappointedly” “So, you never actually saw it?”

“No, no, no, no, nooooo, you're obviously not listening!” William burst out unexpectedly.

Annoyed even more, I countered with “I’m afraid I just don’t understand!” (At this point in time I was completely bored and came to the conclusion that this was another one of Rebecca’s ways to get Will to go on a romantic ride through the woods with her. Me of course, acting as chaperon.)

Apparently Rebecca had this thing for poor old Will and I think he had it just as bad for her for they stared into each other's eyes like lovesick puppies. I didn’t get why they just didn’t admit their feelings for each other already. So me going on this “expedition gives them an excuse to hang out with each other.

Stopping for a moment I turned to them and inquired, “Exactly where did you see this “green moose?” as if it was the most natural thing to say in the world.

Rebecca answered before Will got the chance to speak up. “Back in the woods!” Shrieked Rebecca in that fake british accent of hers. “Me and William darling were like, riding in like, the wooded area and my like, new cashmere sweater got like, caught on this horrid branch!” Rebecca trilled again. (At that moment, Rebecca decided to rant in her fake accent how much that sweater cost her and how she special ordered it in France with a bunch of “likes” added in unnecessarily to each sentence.)

When Rebecca paused to catch her breath, she started up in an even louder voice exclaiming so dramatically, “What are we EVER going to do?!” that I actually thought we were in some Shakespeare play.

Realizing suddenly that my mind wandered, I snapped back to attention half paying attention to what they we're saying. Not knowing whether they were talking about A. cashmere sweater B. William C. The “Green Moose” I was stopped from thinking further because she called to the stable hand demanding he bring Sassy her andalusian mare. (For the non horse folks, an andalusian is a breed of horse and a fine one at that.)

Will just shrugged and took his dappled grey gelding named Francis from the hitching post. Not wanting to be left behind I grabbed my own mount in which I borrowed from the school’s stables.

Thinking this would actually be a rather good opportunity to ride, I didn’t grumble as much. Unlike William “darling” (as Rebecca liked to purr) and Rebecca I wasn't rich and therefore didn’t own my own horse. Not that I didn’t envy they're fancy mounts, fore I was content with my own steed.

*(PAUSE)*

I decided to give you a little info on Will before we continue the story because it’s important and he kind of just appeared. By the way The Nutcracker Finishing School for Girls, is an all girl’s school, so you may ask why is he even here. That’s a good question. Will is considered a “special” case. (And no he’s not gay. Well, as far as I know anyway…)

The board of directors, which includes principal Angelica Woodro is Will’s mother. She likes to call Will, “William darling” like Rebecca, but she.......