Cuddles

An abused young girl finds comfort in her teddy bear.

CUDDLES

 

I love my teddy bear. His name is cuddles. He’s my only friend. Daddy won’t let me go outside to play and mommy is too tired to do anything at all.  Most of the time I sit in my room and play pretend with all of my stuffed animals, but Cuddles is my favorite. He keeps me safe at night. Late at night monsters creep into my bedroom, so I hold Cuddles close. When I’m hurt or scared, Cuddles takes me to a special place far away.  It’s a big field covered with colorful flowers that are spreaded out for miles. Cuddles and I play hide and seek amongst the daises.  We play for hours at a time. I never want to go home, but when I do I suddenly feel the pain that the monster in my room leaves upon me.

I tried to tell my mommy but she never listens. She thinks that the reason why the monster comes into my room is because I’m always being a bad girl. I’m never a bad girl. I always do as I’m told. I just don’t understand why mommy won’t believe me. She mostly screams at me and tells me to go to my room. But I’m not safe there. She just doesn’t understand, or is it that she doesn’t want to understand? I don’t know. Maybe she doesn’t want to see because she can’t. I mean, who would be able to see anything with those black and swollen eyes? The monster hurts mommy too. Sometimes I can hear her crying and screaming for him to stop. Me and Cuddles hide in the closet and put our hands over our ears. Then we wait for the monster to pay us a visit next.

I love my daddy. Sometimes he can be the best daddy in the world. We play games and he makes the best chili dogs.  But there is another side of daddy that scares me.  Daddy has a magic potion that he drinks and when he does he changes into “Charlie.”  Charlie is always angry. He yells and hits mommy. I beg him to stop but that only makes him angrier. I run and hide but for some reason he always finds me.

After mommy cries herself to sleep, Charlie   staggers into my room. I pull the covers close to my chin and begin to whimper. He then takes off his clothes. I shut my eyes as tight as I possibly can and hold my teddy tight. Soon Cuddles and I will be in our special place. The big hairy monster climbs in my bed and lands on top of me.  He rips off my favorite pj’s and big tears start to roll down my cheek.  He inserts himself inside of me. I start to scream. He covers my mouth with his big smelly hand and the smell of smoke fills my lungs. The pain is unbearable. But suddenly all the pain goes away and soon I’m running through the fields again.

Cuddles and I are hand in hand as we dance around in the sunlight. Butterflies land on flowers nearby and I gently place one in the palm of my hand. We watch closely as the butterfly quickly flies away and lands on cuddles shoulder. We giggle with delight. In the distance we can see the daises standing tall. We run full spend ahead until we finally reach them. Boy, they are as tall as me!! Cuddles and I sit and tell each other stories.  We lay back and look up at the pretty blue sky and admire the clouds. The bright sun warms my face and the gentle breeze tickles my nose.  As I glance over to my left, Cuddles suddenly disappears.

I suddenly leave my special place. Charlie has snatched Cuddles from my tight grip. He tosses Charlie on the floor. “You don’t need him. You have me sweetie” he says while stroking my hair.  With each thrust he lets out a loud grunt. The sweat from his chin drips on my forehead. He’s way too big for me to fight him off, so I just lay there and endure the pain. Oh how I wish mommy would come and save me. Why? What did I do to deserve this? Do all little girls who misbehave have to be punished like this? “I want my mommy!” I scream. “Shut up” he yells while slapping me in the face. Blood fills my mouth. Charlie soon finishes, grabs his clothes and proceeds to walk out the door. He opens the door, turns around, and says to me, “get yourself cleaned up. You look a mess.”

I slowly get out of bed. I notice blood on my Cinderella sheets and blood running down my legs. I bend to pick up Cuddles and sharp pains run through my body. I hold Cuddles close and start to cry. He whispers to me, “Shh don’t cry. You will be fine.” I wipe my face with the back of my hand and carefully tiptoe to the bathroom. I sit Cuddles on the sink and I grab my favorite bubble gum scented bubble bath.  The tub slowly starts to fill up with bubbles and water. Carefully I sit in the tub, hold my breath, and lay flat on my back. My arms and feet slowly begin to float. As I lay completely immersed in the water, I start to wonder if this is what it feels like to just drift away.  Will I be completely free from all the pain and sadness?

I step out of the tub and begin to dry off. As I look in the mirror; hanging on the back of the bathroom door, I notice the black and blue marks that cover my body from head to toe. My bottom lip is swollen and there is a large red hand print on the side of my face. I let out a long sigh and begin to get dressed. Cuddles says to me, “you’re beautiful.” I turn around and say to him, “Thanks Cuddles but today I’m not pretty, not pretty at all.” “How am I supposed to hide this from Ms. Berry?” I waited for a reply but I never got one. Cuddles arms were stretched out wide; signaling for me to pick him up. I scooped him up in my arms and we both went to my room. Cuddles and I climb in bed and he whispers to me, “I love you, Sarah.” I replied, “I love you too, Cuddles.”

The next morning mommy comes into my room. She snatches the covers off of me and says, “Get up it’s time for school.”

“But I don’t want to go to school.”

 “I don’t care. You’re going to school, and what happened to your face?”

“Daddy he...”

“Shut up! Daddy didn’t do anything! You fell! Do you understand me?”

“Yes mommy,” I replied while looking down at the floor.

“Now hurry up and get dressed.”

Before getting dressed, I grab Cuddles and give him a big good morning hug.  I sit him on my pillow and begin to get dressed. I slowly pull my jeans over my bruised legs and pull my pink Dora shirt over my head. My body hurts so badly. I can barely move around in fact I don’t think I can sit down. How will I make it through the day? I look at cuddles and he gives me a wink and a big smile. After getting dressed I grab Cuddles and quickly stuff Cuddles in to my back pack.

The ride to school always seems long and stressful. I watch as mommy smokes her cigarette and yell at the other drivers. She always seems angry and upset. All I want is for us to be a happy family again. I look around and see all the other kids with their parents and they seem so happy. They go out to the movies or to the park. They even sit and have dinner together. Those were the things we used to do but all of that’s changed now. I’m not sure why and I’m not sure how to get our happy family back. Or even if I really want it back. I unzip my back pack and rub Cuddles’ nose. The fur between my fingertips makes me smile. It seems like these days the only thing that makes me smile is cuddles.

We finally arrive to Middleton Elementary School. Boy, do I dread going today. All of the kids are going to see this big, ugly bruise on my face. And Ms. Berry is really going to ask questions. Ms. Berry is my all-time favorite first grade teacher. She gives me hugs every day before and after school. My mommy and daddy always forget to give me lunch money so; Ms. Berry buys my lunch for me. After school Ms. Berry and I wait on the stairs for my mommy. Sometimes mommy doesn’t show up, so Ms. Berry takes me home. Ms. Berry is so fun to be around. She’s the next best thing to Cuddles. She tells stories, sings songs, and bakes the best cookies.

Just last week Ms. Berry and I were sitting on the stairs waiting for my mommy. I sat on the step below her and she gently brushed my hair. I closed my eyes and I carefully listened to each and every word that flowed from her mouth. She told me a story about a lonely princess that lived in a magical forest. Her name was Princess Adel. Princess Adel was an only child. Her parents were so busy running the Kingdom that they had no time for her. Everyday Princess Adel would sit and talk to all the animals in the forest. One day a blue bird sat on a nearby branch and told her that a baby deer had gotten its foot stuck and needed to be freed. The princess gathered up some berries and climbed on the back of a white pony and quickly followed the bird. Once the princess arrived at the baby deer’s side he was quickly freed. The baby deer thanked Princess Adel and ran all the way home.

Princess Adel suddenly started to get hungry so she found a nice comfy spot against a tree and began to eat the berries she had picked earlier. While eating she didn’t realize that the berries she picked were poisonous. The princess sat and ate every bit. Once the last berry was eaten, Princess Adel climbed back on top of the pony and preceded home. Soon the princess fell ill and her stomach began to throb. She screamed and cried with agony. Princess Adel fell from the pony and landed on the hard ground. There she was all alone.

My ears yearned to hear more but it all came to an end when I heard the sound of my mother’s horn. I turned and looked up at Ms. Berry and she said to me, “don’t worry you can hear the rest tomorrow.” She kissed me on the forehead and sent me on my way.

As I get out of the car a part of me wants to run away. I just can’t let people see me like this. This would be the perfect time for me to suddenly become sick. I put my back pack on backwards and I unzip it. I look down at cuddles and whisper to him, “Help me.” With a twinkle in his eye he looks up at me and says, “You’ll be fine. Hold your head up and keep walking.” I take a deep breath and walk into class.

Everyone is already seated and Ms. Berry is standing at the front of the classroom.  I walk towards my desk and lower my head in hopes that no one would notice my face. But it doesn’t seem to help one bit. Time seems to stand still, as everyone stops everything that they’re doing just to look at me. Ms. Berry even stops talking in midsentence. I quietly sit down and place my backpack beside my chair. I look up at Ms. Berry with tears in my eyes. With a concerned look on her face she asks me to step out into the hallway. As I stand up I can hear all of my classmates' whispers and can feel all of their eyes watching me. I try my hardest to keep the tears from rolling down my face. The closer I get to the door, the faster my heart beast. What excuse am I going to give her? I mean, how am I really going to explain this?

Ms. Berry places one hand on my shoulder and says, “Sarah sweetie, what happened to your face?” I really don’t have the guts to lie to her face, so I rather just look away. So I look down at my feet and say, “I fell.”

“Are you sure that’s what happened, Sarah?”

“Yes Ms. Berry I’m sure.”

Ms. Berry stoops down and stares at me until my eyes meet hers and says, “Sarah, you don’t have to be afraid to tell me anything. If you are having problems at home please let me know. I can help you.” I look into her honey colored eyes and say, “Yes mam.

“Well we better get you to the school nurse so that she can have a look at your face. You wait here while I go inside and get the class started for the day.” I nod and patiently wait out in the hall. I desperately want to tell Ms. Berry about how I really got these bruises but I’m just too afraid. If my parents find out that I told I would be in so much trouble. And what would Ms. Berry think of me? Would she stop telling me stories because she thought I was a bad girl too?

Ms. Berry walks out of the classroom with a concerned look on her face. She grabs my hand and asks, “Are you sure you are ok?”

“Yes Ms. Berry I’m okay.”  The closer we get to the nurse’s station the faster my heart pounds. How am I going to get out of this? But there is nowhere to run and no Cuddles either.  I sit in a chair next to the door and I watch as Ms. Berry pulls Ms. B to the side. I watch them as they talk to each other and every now and then they turn and look at me. After a brief moment Ms. B walks over and sits in the chair next to me and says, “Okay sweetie let’s have a look at that face.” I watch as Ms. B carefully examines my face. “Now Sarah can you tell me what happened to your face?”

“Well, I fell.”

“You fell? Okay so tell me how did you fall?”

I kind of had the feeling that she was going to ask me that. I glance down at my hands trying to figure out which lie would be going to be the best lie for me to tell. “Well yesterday I was riding my bike and I fell.”

“Okay, well are you hurting right now?”

“No mam’.”

“Okay well I’m going to give you an ice pack for that swollen lip of yours.”

I watch as Ms. B gets an Ice pack out of a cabinet and activates it. “Here you go dear. Keep this ice pack on your lip for a while. The swelling should go down soon. Go back to class and please be careful next time.”

“Yes Ms. B I will.”

 I take the ice pack and place it on my bottom lip.  I get up and follow Ms. Berry back to class.  Now I wonder does Ms. Berry and Ms. B really believe me. As we walk down the hallway Ms. Berry reaches down and grabs my hand. I look up at her and she squeezes my had tightly. Nothing is said between us, the only thing that’s heard are the sounds of her heels click clacking down the hall.