One

Introduction to Ellie and her world.

One    

           

            Isn’t it strange, how, in dreams, whenever you need to run, your legs won’t move? You push and grunt and use all the effort you possibly can, but they won’t budge. Then, the monster you’re trying to escape gets closer and closer, and a tight pressure grips your heart in a chokehold, and you’re trapped.

            Trapped. That’s what my life is. It’s as if I’m an animal in a zoo, performing tricks and following commands to earn a treat, but never released from my cage. How do you think those animals feel? Scared? Miserable? Bored? Their environment never changes�"same food, same workers, same cage. It’s pure monotony, and although they hope and dream of escaping their routine lives, they’re also terrified of a world beyond what they know.

            Life has patterns. Whether we like it or not, we will all have to look monotony in the eye one day, and decide what to do with it. Some of us will decide to force it out, to do all we can to avoid it. What most don’t know is that it’s inevitable. It’s like a force of nature�"unstoppable�"and it forms our lives, it chooses who we are, what we are, the way we think. Most people decide to submit to the routines, to simply go through the motions and live life. Then there’s the select few who ask themselves why. Why? Why must our lives follow the same track, around and around, until our batteries run out? Centuries ago, someone discovered the answer. Someone realized a way to end the monotony, to bring about something new. It was so simple, so obvious! The method is still practiced every day, but only those who are aware of life’s pattern get to experience it.

            Central Michigan has its own little zoo, also known as Kalamazoo High School. The students pace their cages, each a different species, but all with the same ambition: To get out. At least, that’s the initial intention. Some of the animals on display come to like the attention, and bask in the glory of it. Then there are always the shy ones who keep to the shadows and allow potential onlookers to simply pass by, uninterested. I was neither. I refused to be on display, I wanted to run wild and free. I eventually devised an escape plan, one that many people had taken before, sort of a last resort, if you will. There were obstacles blocking my path, sure, but eventually, I got exactly what I wanted.

            It started the October of my senior year. My entire life, I had simply gone through the motions, did as I was told, what I was expected to do. I was sick of it.

            The school bells shrieked, high pitched and shrill, signifying the dismissal of Kalamazoo High School’s students. Teenagers poured from the double doors within seconds, eager to escape the prison walls that held them captive for eight grueling hours each day.

            Among the flood of raging hormones and fashion trends, I exited the building, along with two other girls. Marissa and Holly were the girls that I spent most of my time with, but I wouldn’t exactly call them friends.

            I definitely stood out against the girls in appearance. They were both fake blondes with fake tans and fake nails. I preferred not to kill my hair, and allowed it to stay its natural long, dark crimson color. I had gotten a spray tan once, and ended up looking like an Oompa Loompa, so I tolerated my fair, porcelain skin that made me look like some sort of Victorian doll. My nails were long and manicured, but not synthetic.

            Rissa and Holly were the type that would bask in the glory of being on display, and would show off the best that they could to be the center of attention. They often attempted to claw their ways over the top of me, and steal the title of Queen of Kalamazoo High. Little did they know that if it weren’t for the expectations of other, I would gladly hand my crown off to them. Unfortunately, I couldn’t. How would that look to others? Everyone would think I was insane, having it all, and giving it up. Not to mention the fact that my mother was well aware of my position in the Senior Hierarchy, had worked hard to help get me there, and would drop dead if she realized I didn’t appreciate it. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I couldn’t ruin my reputation, couldn’t disappoint my mom. I had no choice. I never had a choice.

            I’m not quite sure what it was that made me popular at this school. I mean, sure, I was pretty, and athletic, but was that really everything you needed to be ‘in’? Seems a bit shallow, if you ask me, but no matter how many nerdy clubs I joined, no matter how many athletic activities I quit, I was still in the popular crowd. I guess once elite, always elite.

            I bid Marissa and Holly goodbye and strode across the school grounds to my Honda Civic, other students dispersing as the crowd thinned and more people retreated to the comfort of their homes. I strapped in, sighing in relief. I was finally alone, and I could remove the thick mask I presented to my peers every day to reveal the true Elizabeth Reid. Few people knew the real me, and I liked to keep it that way. There were few, select people who knew that, amidst my Queen Bee position, secrets swam in the shadows, suffocating me.

            I was a senior at Kalamazoo High, and at age seventeen, one could say I had it all. With a steady 4.0 GPA, every college around was practically on their knees, begging me to attend. To others, I was an over-achiever. It appeared that I would sooner swallow a bucketful of bugs than accept an imperfect grade. To me, I was simply living the life I was expected to live. I was on the Dance Committee, valedictorian, class president, a Mathlete, a volleyball player, and head cheerleader. I somehow managed to squeeze all of this into my schedule, while still finding time to do volunteer work at the animal shelter or nursing home. According to my peers, I was Kalamazoo High’s “It” girl, a saint, a genius, and a friend to everyone. I was supposed to be all of those things, right?

            I started the Civic, grateful for the gusts of heat that shot from the vents as my car roared to life. I pulled out of the school lot and began my drive home. When I reached the golf course that lay a few blocks from my neighborhood, I had to stop at a red light, and my phone rang, making my jump. I looked at the large screen. My boyfriend’s name showed in all caps, and I rolled my eyes. Hesitating a moment, I finally tapped the “Accept” button. “Yes?”

            “Hey, Babe.”

            My expression showed clear disdain. Babe? Could he be any more Typical-Quarterback-Boyfriend? Ick. “Hey, Sean,” I sighed.

            “I don’t have football, and I’m pretty sure you don’t have cheer, or Mathletetics, or dance committee, or student council, or”

            “No, Sean, I don’t have anything,” I interrupted.

            “Oh. Well, anyway, wanna meet up?”

            The day had been overwhelming, and I felt the need to just hang out and have fun. I just needed to be Ellie, and this was the perfect opportunity to do so. ‘Sure.”

            “A’ight,” replied Sean, and I could hear the grin in his voice. It was rare that we saw each other outside of school. “I’ll order pizza. It’ll be a date, just you and me. Meet me here in fifteen.”

            In spite of everything going on in my life�"every secret, lie, and memory�"I smiled. Snapping my phone shut, I pulled into my driveway, silently praying that the night wouldn’t end badly. I slammed my car door and stopped for a moment to enjoy the fall air.

            I lived in a big neighborhood that was hidden by a wall of pine trees. Every lawn hosted several oaks and maples, even a couple of big weeping willows, my personal favorite. Each leaf was either falling from its former tree, or hanging on by a thread. The ground was coated in a fiery carpet of oranges, yellows and browns. It was mid-autumn, and the air had a cold bite to it that nipped the tips of your ears and nose. A scent of ash and rain wafted through the breeze, neither pleasant nor distasteful, and you could hear the wind whistling through branches and parched grass. The sky was dull blue, clouds darkened with impending rain.

            I clomped in boots through the front door. My parents weren’t home yet, and wouldn’t be for a few hours. I removed my shoes and coat, and padded down the stairs to my room. Everything was nice and neatly organized, with an assortment of colors, scattered posters from fashion magazines, and my own drawings covering the east wall. I changed quickly into plaid pajama pants and a t-shirt, grabbing a gray hoodie to take along. By the time I was out the door and inside my Civic, the rain was falling in torrents, relentless. I pulled out and made my way toward Sean’s house, making a brief stop at Starbucks to mute the screams of my caffeine addiction.

            Ten minutes later, I pulled into the driveway of Sean’s large, two-story house. Sean was quarterback on our school’s football team, and the most popular guy in school. According to our peers, we were perfect for each other. What the others didn’t know was that we were kind of a quirky couple, with a different idea of “dating.”

            The moment my shoe touched the pavement, Sean’s front door opened, and he came outside, leaning against the front porch railing. It was getting dark, but the dim porch light shone off of his dark blonde hair, making him look like some sort of Greek god. He was six feet of long, tanned muscles, but he wasn’t bulky in the least. “Hey, babe,” he purred, and it took all of my strength not to roll my eyes. Sean cracked an easy grin, and as I walked in, he pulled my into his arms, locking his lips to mind, regardless of the rainwater soaked into my clothes and hair. He used his foot to shut the door behind us, and I kissed him back half-heartedly. Sean pulled away, a confused expression on his face. Did he suspect hesitation? I searched his frosty blue eyes for any clue as to what he was thinking, and he seemed to be assessing me as well.

            Before the observations could go any further, the door bell rang. Sean tore his gaze from mine and paid the pizza guy, sending him on his way. If Sean had been upset before, he didn’t show it. “I ordered thick crust, pepperoni and jalapenos, your favorite,” he said cheerily, proud of himself.

            I accepted a slice gratefully, trying to shun any awkwardness that might threaten to intrude. I took a huge bite. I loved spicy food, and the peppers barely affected my previously burnt-off taste buds. “Thanks.”

            “No problem,” Sean answered, grinning. He took his own piece of pizza, and after swallowing, said, “So, what’ll it be? Halo, or Left 4 Dead?”

            I offered a half-smile. “Let’s kill some zombies.”

            I followed Sean up the staircase to his bedroom, lost in thought as I munched the greasy Italian cuisine. He and I had been dating for over a year now. Jeez, I thought, Can it really be that long? It seemed that only yesterday he had approached me after a victorious Kalamazoo Komets football game, streaked with mud and panting with post-game exhaustion. “Prom is next weekend, and a pretty lady like you shouldn’t be going alone.” He swallowed, trying to keep his cool, continuing, “I admit, I don’t wanna go alone either. Whattaya say, can we keep each other company?”

            It had been simple, cute, and I was flattered. Clueless, stupid, oblivious, but how could I say no? We had even been featured in the junior yearbook as “Cutest Couple.”

            The X-Box was already hooked up to Sean’s flat screen, and he began flipping through a case of disks for the game. As I waited, I lit a cigarette. “Want one?” Nervous, analyzing.

            “Thanks,” Sean said, accepting the Marlboro and lighter. I inhaled, and warmth flooded my chest. Smoking was a nasty habit, but I had started freshman year to lose weight, and became addicted. Of course, if my mom had known, she would have thrown me through a wall and disowned me, so I rarely got the opportunity to smoke. When I did, I had to brush my teeth with a pound of toothpaste and douse myself with perfume.

            I know that a seventeen-year-old couple should probably be spending time with each other watching a movie, or going out to do something, but to be honest, Sean and I were both perfectly content with X-Box controllers in hand, a 2-liter of Mountain Dew, and a lifetime supply of pizza and cigarettes. We didn’t really consider the activities “dates;” it was more of just chilling out, and it was fun.

            When Sean and I had both finished smoking, he slid the disk into the game slot, and we both plopped down onto the blue futon, each taking a game controller. We played Left 4 Dead, and enjoyed toying with the zombies in the game, approaching them, allowing them to chase our characters around the room, and then shooting them at the last possible minute.

            A half hour later, my phone rang. I held it between my ear and shoulder, still intent on playing the game. “Yeah?”

            “Elizabeth Irene Reid, where the hell are you?” It was my mother on the other end, and she sounded livid, as usual.

            “I’m at Sean’s.”

            “Have you done your homework? Why didn’t you tell us where you were going? We’ve been worried sick!” Blah, blah, blah. Although I could tell she was truly angry, her voice had softened a bit at the mention of my boyfriend. She had a soft spot for Sean, thought he was the perfect Prince Charming for her little princess.

            I sighed, rolling my eyes. “No, I was going to do my homework when I came home. Sorry I didn’t tell you.” I gestured to Sean that I needed a break, and he paused the game. I stepped out into the hallway.

            “Ellie, you know better than to go anywhere before your school work is finished, and without telling us where you’re going! What were you thinking? Why can’t you just be responsible? First it’s this, next it’ll be snaking out to parties, doing God-knows-what, and, one way or another, your entire future will be destroyed. Do you want that to happen? My mom waited, actually expecting an answer.

            I sighed. “No.”

            “Well, then, maybe you’ll think before leaving out of the blue next time. You are to come home immediately. Your father and I are very disappointed in you.” Click.

            I walked back into the bedroom, sighing heavily. “Sorry, Sean. I have to go. My mom…”

            “I get it,” Sean answered, sounding irritated. He looped an arm around me, and my automatic reaction was to stand stiff as a rod. He looked at me like I was insane. “Can I at least have a hug before you go?”

            I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath, and I exhaled. “Oh. Yeah. Sorry.” I awkwardly hugged Sean, and his lips found mine again. He waited, waited for me to respond, waited for me to kiss him back, anything. I hesitated. Why couldn’t my life just be normal? If it were normal, we would be kissing by now, I would be in his arms, we would run away together, and live happily ever after.

            Unfortunately, my life wasn’t normal, and in my life, there were no happily ever afters. I pulled out of Sean’s embrace, and didn’t dare look him in the eye. I knew al lI would find there was pain, confusion, and I couldn’t handle that. What could I say? How could I possibly explain my feeling in a way he could understand?

            Keeping my eyes on the floor, I cleared my throat with a tone of finality. “I should go… I’ll see you tomorrow.”

            Sean didn’t speak. His blue eyes probed my face, trying to analyze what his girlfriend could possibly be thinking, what he had done wrong. I kept my eyes averted. Finally, Sean gave up, sighing. “Yeah, see you.” He walked with me down the staircase, to the front door. “Bye, Ellie.”

            I gave him a final glance, unsure. Do it, I told myself, just tell him how you feel. Who cares what anyone else thinks, what he thinks? Just tell the truth. I couldn’t do it, couldn’t bring myself to believe the truth, much less try to explain it to Sean.

            I waved curtly, and hurried out to my car, failing in my attempt to shield my hair from rain. Part of me wanted to believe my haste to get home was to avoid further lecture from my mom, but the other part knew that agreeing to hang out with Sean had been a mistake, and that I couldn’t handle it.

            It had become completely dark outside, and as I drove home, the rain rattling on my windshield, I began to think. Halloween was two days away, and so far, I had no plans, not even a costume. Most likely, I would go to a party with Holly and Marissa, and, most likely, Sean would be there as well. Most likely, if I didn’t show up, gossip would be stirred. How could the Queen Bee possibly miss a party? It was unheard of. She would show up at some football player’s house, his parents would be out, and there would be s****y girls and drunken guys, dancing and sweating off heavily-consumed alcohol. Yippee.

            When I crept into the front door, it came as no surprise that my mother stood in the entryway, arms crossed, blue eyes blazing with maternal fury.

            “Elizabeth, do you realize how worried we were? Your father and I come home, expecting to see our little girl studying or practicing or something, as she usually is, but what do you know? She’s gone! Nowhere. Disappeared. We looked everywhere, called your school, and nearly had a heart attack trying to find you!”

            My expression was as sheepish as I could manage, but my voice was indifferent. “Why didn’t you just call my cell first?” It was bold of me to say, and I immediately regretted it.  

            “Young lady, do you honestly expect us to think rationally when our daughter is missing? All because you decided your boyfriend is more important than your family! Where did I go wrong? I thought we raised you better than this. Ellie, just tell me what I’m doing wrong. How can I make you understand?

            My face heated with anger. How could they make me understand? Ha! I was seventeen, not a little girl! My mom always went on and on about how smart I was, how successful I’d be. If I was so smart, why couldn’t she just trust me? Why couldn’t she be normal? Was it impossible to grant me a little bit of freedom?

            I said none of this, of course. If I did, I would no longer have a phone, car, or bedroom. Arguing was not permitted in her house. I simply looked at my shoes, my jaw clenched. “I’m sorry, Mom. I should have finished my homework and let you know where I was going. I’m sorry for disrespecting your authority as my mother, and for thinking I can simply do as I like.”

            Rehearsed lines, lines I had repeated a million times, but they were the words my mom wanted to hear. Although she was satisfied with my apology, she couldn’t let me off the hook that easily.

            Alice Reid pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger, closing her eyes and attempting to keep her temper in check and not begin screaming. What would the neighbors think? Everything was about the opinions of others with her. After a moment, she opened her eyes. “Thank you for apologizing, but I want you to go to your room and think about what you did wrong today, and think of ways you can fix it. We’ll talk again in the morning.”

            My expression was so forged that my left eye was beginning to twitch. I couldn’t believe she was acting this way. I mean, sure, she was that way all the time, but seriously! Why? Why did she have to be such a… such a… I didn’t even want to think of a word to describe what I thought of her in those moments. A million insults, arguments, and protests filled my mind at once, most profane and rude. I was on the verge of boiling over, but I kept my mouth shut, pushing the thoughts into the recesses of my mind. I pivoted on my heels and stormed down the stairs to my bedroom.

            As I passed the lower-level living room, my stepfather, Mike, glanced up at the object obstructing his view of the Bears game; in this case, me. He scrutinized my expression carefully. Mike had admitted years ago that the prospect of raising a teenage girld was the most terrifying task he’d ever been assigned. Me mostly left to hormonal break-downs to his wife. Nevertheless, Mike had always been a good dad. He seemed to understand me a bit more than my mother did, excepting his reactions to bad grades. He spoke slowly. “What’s the matter, Lizzy?”

            Lizzy. I had insisted at a young age that I shorten “Elizabeth” to “Ellie,” but he had always liked “Lizzy” better, God knows why.

            I wanted to cry and complain and, more than anything, go into full-out Daddy’s-girl mode, but I restrained myself. He couldn’t possibly understand. He would betray me, taking his wife’s side. “Ask her,” I hissed, pointing as my mother made her way down the short flight of stairs.

            When Mike looked to Alice, she threw her hands up helplessly and shook her head. I scoffed, and stomped into my room, slamming the door hard behind me. I immediately bent down and locked it. Click.