This Broken Mind

This story is about the darkness and light in my world that is shared with depression, psychosis and the demons within. As I fall, I get back up again!

I take a walk under the soft moonlight again, as I have done daily in the hope it will calm my mood. I need to make sense of everything, well, try to at least. It's not easy though. I've struggled for many years so I doubt tonight will be any different. I guess the answers wont arrive at my door as frequently as the bills do!  

I walk along this lonely road in sufferance, trying desperately to drown out the sounds emitting from this broken mind of mine. I ignore them explicitly, not allowing them to become anything more than what they are, noise. They are joined by visions, grey and twisted. I need to be alone! If nothing else other than to curse my mind, revolt against the plague it bestows upon me and the pain it causes my loved ones to endure. Guilt now consumes me. Yet another emotion I must fight against, another dark cloud to walk under. 

Hearing the laughter once more, which continues to mock me, doesn't assist in anyway. With no one in front of me, I turn sharply to see if there is anyone behind in order to determine the source of the laughter. Nobody is there! It's clearly in my head. Why must I be so tormented? Where will I find respite? It must be him! The Grey Faceless Man. Perpetrator of so many moments cursed and lost in my life. My nemesis, my curse and my downfall! I anger him greatly, for I will not completely succumb to his power. I will not allow myself to fall to his darkness and be cursed forevermore. I'll not sacrifice my soul to him for it is has already been submitted willingly to another. One who I know will treat it well and keep it safe. But The Grey Faceless Man is strong and relentless. He wants to hurt me and he always will! 

 I've tried to seek answers to this conundrum, to try and resolve the problems that blight me, but it has not yet been fruitful. Sure, I've sat down with those who have been regarded as key holders to the world of darkness, but, they have been too lost in their own environments. Too many times have they fallen into the pool of darkness that they've simply swam away. Simple solutions have been rendered. Taken daily and frequently, improvement surely should have been evident? But this has proved to be no more effective than sticking plasters over gaping wounds! It's been pointless and has presented more issues than originally prominent! Twice, with and without, caused a breakdown, succeeding only to propel me further into the downward spiral. The Grey Faceless Man watched from the outside, laughing to himself as I with tears in my eyes,  fell singing 'What have I become, my sweetest friend?' It's not worth the concern! 

I walk along the grey roads under the darkness of night, continuing my search for calm. The laughter and voices can no longer be heard, but I still feel the presence of The Grey Faceless Man. I want to meet him in person if I could. I'd stare into eyes, if they exist, attempting to discover his weakness in the hope that I could confront and defeat him! 

I've not yet seen him face to face so to speak, although on occasions, I believe I have. It's irrelevant though as I know his presence is real! The Grey Faceless Man stands 6 feet tall and although not too dis-similar to my own stature, he is more toned and stronger than me. His hair is blacker than the darkest of nights and he is dressed in a charcoal grey suit that is always immaculate, adorned with a black carnation in the button hole. His face is featureless, at least, that's what I believe. Though I am convinced he has eyes and a mouth of sorts, for he sees me and speaks to me. 

I know of his contempt towards me. It has been festering for years now. Despite my best efforts to free myself from his control, I always end up falling to my knees before him. The Grey Faceless Man evidently takes great pleasure in reminding me that he is the master and I am his slave, subservient to him! Betrayal and wrongdoing on my part is always met with strict punishment. On and on it continues. 

I don't make it easy for him though. My rebellion grows more frequent and strong. The power of The Angel who now guides me is one to be reckoned with and I slowly but surely, feel the energy flow through me. Alas, I am only an apprentice in these matters and I don't feel confidently ready enough to face my quest entirely on my own, without my guardian angel. I will one day though, hopefully! It is certainly a powerful magic that The Angel has taught me and I work daily, learning how to use my new skills and power. 

If only The Angel could be with me daily, I would surely make greater strides forward and would be in a healthier position to confront my foe. But I know that this is not possible and is a somewhat selfish desire. The Angel, my angel, has to watch over and protect other souls. Still, the spirit of The Angel is always there with me and I try to draw strength from this. I sense that The Grey Faceless Man fears The Angel. I certainly hope so! 

I reach 25 Walker Road, the house that is empty, abandoned and in a poor state of disrepair. I sympathise with it. In my opinion, the house is still an impressive building, with a certain charm and character. For reasons not obvious from the outside, it remains empty, unwanted, unloved. It stands discarded and I feel an immense sadness about that. I can't help but think that all it needs is one more chance. If the right person or people found it and gave it love and attention, it could be restored to it's former self. 

25 Walker Road would surely be able to provide a family with warmth, security and love. It could protect them, keep them secure and watch them grow. Standing proudly, it could become part of the family, standing proudly it would without any doubt in my mind, fill their hearts with joy. Surely all that is required is for someone to understand it, identify it's problems and doing their utmost to rectify them. Love will surely prevail. If only I had the means to be the saviour. In many ways, this house reflects me. Perhaps that's why I always end my walk at the point I reach it. It serves as a reminder that I am being lovingly restored and that I must now head back home to my loved ones, the family that care and help me grow. 

Rain starts to fall and so I make my way home, calmed by the process of this journey and the repetition of the insight that I have come to desire. The darkness mixed with the inclement weather clouds my vision and I am more wary of what or who lurks around the corner. However, my mind is now still and my heart is warm with love, excited about returning home. At this point, there is no sign of The Grey Faceless Man!