The Answer Machine.

Please leave your message after the tone, though I’ll probably never get back to you.

Paul- Phil here, can you drive a car with three wheels.
Paul- Sheryl, I’m leaving you for a Canadian lumberjack, don’t try and talk me out of it.
Paul- Micky here, that bird Tasmin you hooked me up with, she wants to try the buddha position, what the hell is it.
Paul- Phil, I’ve been arrested, f*****g fifty quid in the license, you dickhead.
Paul- Sheryl, you would just let me go off with a Lumberjack, you b*****d.
Mr Bell, do you know you’re entitled to five thousand pounds for that accident you had three years ago. Phone us.
Paul- Linda here, I’ve left Tony, can I crash at yours for a few days.
Paul,-Nurse Jackie here at the Psychiatric  hospital, just an update from the doctor, he’s still in two minds.
Paul,- Phil here, can you come and bail me out.
Paul--Sheryl, I’ve dumped the Lumberjack, going out with Hans now, my soul mate.
Paul- Tracy down at the STD clinic, your tests are clear, and no, I don’t want to celebrate with you.
Paul-  Micky, that Tamsin's a guy, what the hell is wrong with you.
Paul- Phil, are you coming or what.
Paul- Linda, We’re going to give it another go.
Paul, -Sheryl here, I’m giving you one more chance, I could have my pick of  guys, why the hell I picked you only god knows, I’m coming round now.
Paul-This is the sunshine holiday retreat company, your immediate sabbatical is now ready when you are.
Paul, nurse Jackie here at the Psychiatric hospital, is the doctor at yours.

Reviews

[Brad Dehler]

Lol yes all those message machines. Now mostly replaced by voicemail. I really appreciate the humor you infused in this writing

[barleygirl]

Okay! Okay! I'll stop complaining about all the junk marketing calls I get! *wink! wink!* Your imagination is off the charts, as usual. Something similar could be made from all the junk email headers addressing the limp dicks of the world (((HUGS)))

[Paul Bell]

I don't understand why the scammers just don't come out and say. Give me your bank details. I would have more respect for them then.

[Marina]

Does anyone even use an answering machine anymore? If not, I can understand why, what with all such lunatics bombarding you with messages. I still get the dinner time phantom callers, though. Just as annoying! I enjoyed your humour here, Paul.💛

[Paul Bell]

Strangely enough, the line phone just sits there waiting for scammers and halfwits to annoy you.

[Relic]

.................................... 🤣😁😂😀

[Paul Bell]

I like that. lol

[Dave Brown]

Whoever should grab that lumberjack while they can because they are a fading breed.
BTW what's your #

[Paul Bell]

Are they still called lumberjacks, or has that been taking away from them now?

[Coyote Poetry]

I have some odd one on my answering machine. Many with the offer of the free money. Of course, I delete. Only thing free in life. Death and taxes. Good morning Paul from Michigan and I enjoyed your thoughts today.
Coyote

[Paul Bell]

Love the free money ones, or the tax rebate you're definitely not due.

[TL Boehm]

ah this made me chuckle. which i'm not sure I like, actually. I'm at the point in my life when chuckling creates something similar to liquefaction wherein random fat on my body jiggles uncontrollably. Nope. Don't think I like that at all. Seriously, this is chuckleworthy. Nicely penned

[Paul Bell]

You need a laugh these days. Jiggling is a form of exercise usually performed in the supermarket trying to reach the top shelf.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

I am starting to block more calls these days.
It cost me three thousand to bail that guy out of jail...and I never got a penny back.
And then that lumberjack came after me with his ax for talking to his ex...
an ax for an ex, that wrecks any person's affects.
j.

[Paul Bell]

Beware of lumberjacks calling, actually, are you allowed to call them lumberjacks now.

[Betty Hermelee]

A great spoof on voicemails: the most annoying thing ever, but I get the picture here. It boggles the mind and confuses life itself; Luckily you have the attitude that you will not answer them; but shows you what life is like in the world of messages... crazy
a thoughtful poem with dark humor
Best, B.

[Paul Bell]

Always someone wanting something, usually double glazing.

[Betty Hermelee]

Frankly I hate answer machines, it bad enough on your mobile….but that gibberish from robocalls drives me crazy….