The Planets

Right, listen up, the moon is in its ascendancy, Saturn is aligned with Venus, the other planets will align at 09.53 and 1017am.

Wish I’d never bought you that astrology book now, you’ve finally lost the plot.

Don’t get funny, now is not the time for hilarity. At 9’53 we will be doing it in the horizontal position, 1017 we will be going vertical.

What are we doing at 1070.

Jesus wept, 9.53 we’re having sex, then again at 1017.

What’s with all these positions.

Quite simply, the horizontal position you’ll impregnate me, then the vertical position you’ll impregnate me again thus pushing the previous sperm further up the baby chain. Remember this is working sex we’re having so don’t be getting amorous.

Something tells me I won't be getting amorous, actually, I remember the days when I wanted to rip your clothes off, now I want to put them all back on again.

Do you want a baby or not, don’t think for a minute I enjoy this type of sex, it just has to be done, just fantasize to get through it. Oh, and at 3.07 in the morning I’ll arouse you, do you want woke up or will I just get on with it.

Oh, god I’ve finally gone to hell, this woman is insane, better not say use a vibrator, or she’s sure to kill me.

Just wake me up honey I’ll be ready.

Great, can’t wait till little Sebastian, Bartholomew is born.

Little Sebas, Bart, who. Did I leave the planet and come back again, where did these names come from. I mean, what’s wrong with, Paul.

I don’t want my little boy reminding me of you, I’ll probably dump you after the birth anyway. Plus,  Sebastian, Bartholomew is quite regal, whereas, Paul is just, not so regal if you know what I mean.

That is just great, I’m literally bending over backwards to get you pregnant and I don’t even get a reward for it.

So anyway, 9 months later baby Paula was born, and she left. Four years later we were walking up the High St and guess who we met. Little  Sebastian, Bartholomew dressed in a little suit looking all regal. As we walked away, Paula turned to me and asked who those weird people were.

Well, Paula, she’s called vertical and the wee boy is called, horizontal.

Reviews

[AJNJ]

I understand having mechanical sex for procreation but having astrology based sex takes it to a totally new level altogether. Btw, Bartholomew sounds like a good name for a cat. A delightful poem with some great punches packed!

[Paul Bell]

Bartholomew is a great name for a cat, and the cat would have been better off than me, certainly more lives.

[gram linski]

that had me laughing out loud Paul, some of those descriptions haha, awesome poem, I have been there with the weird hippy chicks starts off as weird and exotic and ends up, why f*****g me, haha, fyi don't think fruitloop translates into French, haha, loved this am still laughing

[Paul Bell]

You need a laugh in times like this. Got me wondering what a fruit loop in French is now. lol

[.]

I can't stand astrology and those that base all their life decisions by it. Its just nuts to me. I had a friend who lived and breathed astrology and he wanted me to read up about it. "I'll lend you a book", he said. When it arrived it was over 1000 pages. A real door stopper. Needless to say I groaned loudly and never turned a page. As your ending here tells us, never consummate with an astrologist for if it was truly written in the stars, they would goddamn well know wouldn't they?! A fun write, dear Paul. :))

[Paul Bell]

This was based on a fruit loop I dated once. A year after parting i heard she walked in front of a bus. She wasn't injured much, but I must admit a thousand thoughts went through my head, the main one being, thought you would have been told about that in the stars.

[Dave Brown]

and the beat goes on.........for whatever reason?

[Paul Bell]

It never ends in never land.