The Split

So, can you afford this place by yourself.
Yeah, I did the maths.                     
­Okay I’ll take the washing machine, you take the couches.  
You're kidding, the washing machine was a present, you take the couches.
I know how to work the washing machine.
Well, I know how to work the coffee machine, but I don’t make a song and dance about it.
Was that why you phoned the plumber when it ran out of water.
I didn’t phone him for that, I was getting a quote for something plummery I was thinking of doing.
Plummery, is that computer speak. Which reminds me, laptop, I’ll be taking that.
You’ll have to wait till I put it back together.
What do you mean put it back together, it’s new.
  I know it’s new, now it’s super new, with 12 g installed.
12 g hasn’t been invented yet.
It has now, with my new revolutionary thought processor and rewind imagery camera.
Have you finally gone nuts, you see what I’ve had to put up with the last five years.
Well I can’t tell you what you’ve put up with the last five years, but I can for the last six months.
Okay, you’re beginning to worry me now, what have you done.
I installed a chip in you. Pick a date out in the last six months and I’ll show you what you were doing.
You’re mad, okay December the 11th.
Right, just put that date in, okay let’s view.  You’re having a coffee morning with your sisters
and wait, you’re slagging me off as usual, tut tut.
My god, this is madness, you’ve finally lost it.
Oh! you haven’t seen anything yet, lets check out Dec 13th. Oh look, it’s you and the plumber in which seems to be a posh hotel.
So it is, do I look hot or what.
That wasn’t my first thought I must admit, maybe you could explain yourself.
Isn’t it obvious, I mean, you installed the bloody chip, what part don’t you understand.
I don’t understand why you’re with my plumber on the date he promised to install my new revolutionary coffee maker.

Reviews

[gram linski]

I do like the way you tell a story Paul,, but you do sound slightly unhinged, haha, always bring a smile with your wit, clever writing,

[Paul Bell]

You need a laugh just now.

[Eilis]

I don’t know what she’s complaining about and then sneaking off to rendezvous with the plumber. Sounds like her partner knows a touch of everything from the plummery to the high techy. Inventing 12g and implanting microchips? Man, this guy is the prize of the century.

Alright, maybe the decade. Or maybe the five minutes after he bought her flowers on their first date and she mistook that gesture for a general grandness. Ah. I’m taking your story poem and running with it. Sorry, haha. I do enjoy your way with character development and storytelling, though. Can’t help to dig in to the story a little.

This cracked me up, Paul. Good stuff.

[Paul Bell]

This sort of guy runs countries. lol

[Lydia Shutter]

The Bickersons are at it in this one. No need to lie about the plumber when the chip knows all and sees all, but who will get the washing machine? People can be VERY petty when breaking up a household. This is very real....well, the dividing up everything anyway. Not sure putting a chip in someone is possible...yet. I am sure it will be soon. Probably with an inoculation when you least suspect it! Well written, Paul. Lydi**

[Paul Bell]

That chip is just around the corner. lol

[.]

Lol! This reads like a nightmare homemaker episode of 'Westworld'! Except in this case the robot has the last laugh. I'd imagine such squabbling does occur when couples decide to separate. I have heard of people fighting over pets and even plants where i live. It truly does get out of hand. Now if only we could install a microchip in our partners instead of our pets. What wonders will we behold?. I always enjoy your humorous pieces, dear Paul. They are much needed in our current times. This is another cracker. Much enjoyed! :))

[Paul Bell]

Sneaky partners just track phones now. It's a dangerous world out there. lol