The Ex

I’ve got a flat tyre.

Congratulations hope you’ll both be very happy.

Can you fix it.

Are you going to a fancy dress party.

I’m getting married, Sherlock.

Wow, kept that quiet, who’s the poor sod.

Nigel, and I’m in a bit of a rush, so if you don’t mind.

Leave it to me, that’s what us ex’s are for. You wearing a Basque under that dress.

Is that any of your business.

Just making the usual ex’s conversation, don’t lose the garter.

Yes, it is traditional, now can you get a move on.

Can’t get the wheel off, but not to worry I’ll drive you there wherever there is.

It’s the registry office.

Okay jump in, where’s the honeymoon.

Skegness.

You’re joking, it’s freezing in Skeggy at this time of year.

His mum died there, so it’s a sort of goodbye.

So he’s a mummy’s boy then.

He’s not a mummy’s boy, it’s just a nice thing to do.

Do you want me to walk you down the aisle.

Why the hell would I want you to walk me down the aisle, plus, there isn’t an aisle.

Just the thing ex’s do for the one they love.

Don’t you start, just get me there.

Okay but don’t cry when I start crying.

Piss off.

Four hours later, phone rings.

Could you come and get me.

What do you mean come and get you, you’re married.

He’s brought his mum into the bedroom.

Well you did say he’s a mummy’s boy, so he carries her ashes about, think it as something old.

She isn’t in ash form.

Jesus, tell me he didn’t get her stuffed.

She isn’t dead.

This is brilliant, only you could get married into the Münster family, send me the photos, so I can show them to the guys down the pub.

You just get down here and pick me up, this is an emergency.

Oh! I don’t know, I’m sort of liking this marriage of yours, it’s slightly weird, but in a good way.

Do you want to see what I’m wearing under this dress.

That is blackmail, will mummy in law approve of this kind of talk.

Last time, do you want to see what I’m wearing.

Bombing up the motorway as we speak.

Reviews

[Gee]

A Slovakian ex of mine called me, I'd been married only a short while, to tell me we needed to meet. I explained that I was married, she explained that she was too, but needed to meet because " I have your socks! " Strange some women. Needless to say we never met :)
Enjoyed the read Paul

[Paul Bell]

There's a logical explanation for this. We haven't got a clue what it is mind you and would never understand it anyway. lol

[emmajoy]

'Four hours later, phone rings. - Could you come and get me.- What do you mean come and get you, -
you’re married. - He’s brought his mum into the bedroom. - Well you did say he’s a mummy’s boy, so he carries her ashes about, think it as something old. - She isn’t in ash form. - Jesus, tell me he didn’t get her stuffed. = She isn’t dead. '

Advised by GF to read thi s, told funny and - it is, i t is! Aching! Talk about mix and match in reverse and who did what first! Think I got the gist via the dialogue. Interesting that the girls who've read this poem, love the humour running through it. Tis almost a recipe for a cynical look at marriage or maybe the dependence on an ex or mummy dear. Happens! Great stuff, Paul.. but then, so are your reviews!

[Paul Bell]

Marriage is an institution, or at least that's where you end up. Though the three of them are getting on like a house on fire now.

[emmajoy]

Your m ind's off the end of the hydrant, Paul!!!

[Paul Bell]

Just like the Mexican fireman who called his twin boys, Hosea and Hose B.

[emmajoy]

You always have a little extra up your sleeve, Paul, must be so hand y.

[Poetic Beauty]

This is comical but also that is what some exes will do. I love this story. Karma at work mummy in the bedroom

[Paul Bell]

Mummy and Karma, that's a brand new poem.

[Rania M]

How did we come up with such intrigue lol! Mummy was not a mummy then. And there was a reason crinolines were so popular in the good ol days. You could hide an entire ex in there. A fine funny statement on what a joke marriage has become now. Lovely work Paul.

[Paul Bell]

Just don't get why she needs all those guys when I'm available. Women, huh.

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Hilarious scene, Paul! I have to agree with Fran Marie about reminding me of a jocular take on Hitchcock’s Psycho. I so admire your wit, writing skill and comedic timing in this poem. It’s original and delightful. Whaaaat?- his mother isn’t dead???? A surprise twist here. Just loved it (smiling big)!

[Paul Bell]

Mother need to know he's doing it right.

[Fran Marie]

Omg you do write a
comical scene episode
reminds me of norman
Bates and his stuffed
mother..from the movie
"Psycho"


I dare say the ex seems
quite anxious to find out
what she is. wearing..ahem

[Paul Bell]

Norman was the man for all seasons, or seasoning as he's probably progressed now.

[Beccy]

Tears in my eyes, absolutely hilarious from start to finish; and those last four lines, priceless!

Beccy.

[Paul Bell]

Now come on, Beccy, could you find yourself in this situation.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i think the ex needs to be preserved with taxidermy...
the dress permanently lifted...and the new man preserved with her...
Mama said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this, Mama said...thank you, Shirelles...
could i get a room at the motel next to Margie? I might feel safer...
okay having been married and divorced three times...i'd like to see the names on that register.
i love the two poems here intertwined...and the apparent dialogue that could be in a schizophrenic mind caused by circumstances....marriages, divorces and exes can do this to you.
j.

[Paul Bell]

Ex's are like headaches, they come on unexpectedly.
You must get this all the time, Jacob.

[barleygirl]

I've been watching "Bates Motel" (TV series) & I'm at the part where the son Norman Bates lives with his dead mother Norma Bates. There's a creepy connection going on here. You are great at oddball conversations, but this is one of your best . . . I love the balance of tension & strife, bouncing up against sarcastic familiarity between these two. I can't decide which is more strange in your story, the woman relying so heavily on her ex, or the current one relying so heavily on his mom. All in all, it's a potpourri of twisted f***s, just the way I love a story (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Paul Bell]

Norman was the man. I've decided mummy's boys are dangerous dudes. Mind you when the mother turns up at the honeymoon you know you're in trouble.