The Straight Lesbian.

You’re probably wondering why I’m phoning you.

It’s a hello call.

Not exactly.

You’re having a lesbian baby.

No, but I am single again.

Don’t tell me you dumped that man woman.

Mary was the love of my life.

She was a brute, she would give tarzan a run for his money.

Never mind that, do you remember when I was finding myself.

Remember it well, I was entering, you said, I think I’m a lesbian.

I know, it was bad timing, but you taught me a lot.

So I did, my Cv now reads, think you’re straight, I’ll change that.

How would you like to do it again.

Okay, you’re beginning to worry me now.

No, I realise you can turn people, you have a gift.

What do you want to turn into.

I want to be a straight lesbian, sort of.

I would love to help, but I’m in a relationship.

That’s okay, I can wait a week or two.

That’s quite funny, see, only lesbians could make jokes like that.

I know, I think you can relesbianise me.

Are you on drugs or something.

No, I liked being in bed with you, you never done anything for me, but I appreciated the effort.

Gee thanks, I’ll update my Cv. Think you're straight, I’ll change that, you’ll be a lesbian tomorrow, with straight tendencies.

See, that’s what I like about you, you’re never bitter. You did say it was a battle to get me into bed, now I’m offering myself on a plate.

I appreciate that, but how does this make you a reborn lesbian.

That’s simple, I won't enjoy it with you, then I’ll realise what I’m missing.

Do you mean you’ll fake it.

Yes, but you won’t know.

I won’t.

No, I’ll dress provocatively and make all the usual noises.

I knew this would happen someday, the twilight zone would come along and take me away to a place where fairies would serenade me with tea and biscuits. Okay, just realised, that's an old folks home.

Okay girl, let’s get faking.

Reviews

[B]

Humor
a tool best used to hide strife
I see you have met someone that has caused you internal grief
i dont think you see a lesbian
but it would be funny if she is
i like your sense of humor
a bit dark

[Paul Bell]

I love weird scenarios. Maybe because iv'e been in a few. lol

[B]

story of my life buddy :)

[Paul Bell]

You need to write about it.

[B]

lol
again
i have been pouring out

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

"No, I'll dress provacatively and make the usual noises." So funny! So clever! Can see this as a scene in a play. "You can't always get what you want"- Right? Awesome.

[Paul Bell]

If you're putting yourself up for the lead role, ok then. lol

[Island Hippy]

Aloha Paul, you are a comedic genius I've decided. "Relesbianise" lol that words needs to be in websters. Wicked good piece Paul. Izzy

[Paul Bell]

I'm working on it Izzy. lol

[Gypsy Warrior Queen]

You never leave me lonely...always giving me a smile or a tear. This is brilliant

[Paul Bell]

Here to please Queenie. Where you been hiding.

[Norman 223]

I was "steered" to this after reading Margies' recent poem.(LGBTQ) "Relesbianise" ... what would a psychiatrist make of tha?
Behind the farcical approach, you have highlighted the the problems that confront the emphasis on sexual "normality" that many have to translate in these days of exaggerated cool enlightenment.
This was much more serious in content than first appeared, but satire usually is.
Clever.

[Paul Bell]

Satire does it every time Norman.

[Vria P Crow]

Firstly, I was directed here by Barleygirl's poem on sexuality and was not disappointed! I adore this comedic poem. I have often told people I was half lesbian which received odd looks. The contradiction of "straight lesbian" was brilliant.

Morbid humor is the only way you can get through dysfunctional relationships. Sadly, humiliation can follow after you have learned you have been with someone who prefers the same sex. I cannot help but give wry laughs when I am told stories of how women or men will switch between straight and gay. It happens for a plethora of reasons. Just watch the "L" Word show. :P I'm also pretty sure sex doesn't turn people. haha I have heard this excuse many times. For instance, my ex boyfriend thought he turned me into a lesbian. As I've told Barleygirl, humans tend to categorize to eliminate confusion or feel more comfortable in their skin. The simple answer is you fall in love with someone who you are attracted to. It does not matter what it is between their legs. Ironically, these labels lend to more confusion rather than clarity.

Overall, I enjoyed this satirical narrative. The dialogue was superb. I would love to see this skit in live action.

thanks for sharing!

yours truly,
ria

[Paul Bell]

You're right Ria. Sex itself is confusing. So it only stands to reason when you mix them together, it becomes funny. Though i do like dark humour. Plus it must make your day when your ex says that to you. It sort of gives you that retort. You just don't cut it kid.

[Vria P Crow]

HAHA Nice retort. I'm much happier now since we broke up six years ago and I'm engaged to a better person for me. haha Ironically, I'm engaged to a male. :P haha So I suppose I'm a straight lesbian too.

[Paul Bell]

Told it's the only way to be during the week. lol

[Vria P Crow]

What about weekends? :P

[Paul Bell]

Role play Ria. But keep it quiet. lol

[Gee]

I reckon I'm a lesbian, or if not could be. Hmmmmmmmmmm.
The usual high standard Paul, no-one else like you on this site

[Paul Bell]

Just read your review, and two guys in white coats knocked the door. Should i be worried.

[Gee]

Don't answer it, but if you do refuse to try on the jacket offered

[barleygirl]

Have you ever noticed how the acronym "LGB" keeps growing & growing with new adaptations of gender? (Now it's LGBTQ I think). Your conversation suggests that this acronym may need a few more gender categories added! *smile* This is a brilliant piece. I'm amazed at your ability to put yourself into such a conversation with ease . . . it makes me wonder about you. This sounds so true-to-life, I'm convinced. Your word play is off the charts, esp with "relesbianize". So much fun, I can't comment on all the excellent crafting! (((HUGS)))

[Paul Bell]

You're right Margie. Wait till we get invaded by martians. What do you call a gay martian. Actually, being straight these days is damn right boring. I've got round this, by telling women i never have sex till at least ten minutes into a relationship. Maybe why i get dumped a lot. lol

[barleygirl]

Thank you for inspiring my latest: LGBTQRAH
*wink! wink!* (((HUGS)))

[Marina]

Yes, the comeback I've been agonizingly waiting for! Gotta love the satiric mockery of this one.
Also, relesbianise needs to become a dictionary edition.

[Paul Bell]

I think you're right. I just don't want to be guy who initiated it. lol