What Do You See Now?

What would you think of someone if you saw them experience what you could not?

What do you see in me?
Think about it.
Root it deep into your mind.
Have it?
Good.

Keep that in mind as I ask you this:

What do you see in me as I see what is not there?
As I watch objects morph into the unimaginable?
As I see people, auras, creatures…, monsters… slink around you,
genuinely frightened for your safety,
often unaware that these things are not truly there?

What do you see in me as I hear the sounds of the skeletons in my psyche's closet?
The growls, groans, screeches of demons?
The banging of the fists of the abominations trapped inside my closet"my mind?
As I'm hunched over my desk,
hands over my ears,
tears in my eyes,
desperate to just make it f*****g stop?

What do you see in me as I stumble through those days detached from our world,
entangled in the gnarled woodwork of my own?
As I glide hazy-eyed, affectless, with an inflectionless tone that typically carries more peaks and valleys than my mood cycles?
As I give laconic answers?
Or disjointed pieces of sentences being forced together from different puzzles entirely?

What will you see in me when I don't remember any interaction we had during those days?
When I only see where the pages have been torn from the book of my life?
When I'm aware that those days happened, but have no written pages as to what exactly?
When I have only photographic glimpses from the damaged film of my eyes' camera?

What do you see in me when you hear the word, "antipsychotics?"
Do you think, "Psycho," "Crazy b***h," "Nut job?"
Or do you pity me?
'Poor thing...,' 'To have to go through that...,' 'She's so young…'?
Can you sympathize,
being one of the poor b******s having experienced the same thing,
your opinion likely unchanging?
Or, lacking similar experience, do you think nothing different,
whether it be positive or negative?

I can almost guarantee it isn't option three.

If you somehow find out,
and it is,
…thank you…

Reviews

[Carol Cashes]

These questions you are asking...how well do you know them? A new relationship might falter, stumble, a trusted friend who has become a romantic partner will understand...Establish who you're asking and your questions have more impact as the reader can answer them for you. Just a thought...it's 2:30 am here and I will not be offended if you respond with" Thanks for reading...blah, blah, blah". *snicker* The questions are intriguing - do you really see all that s**t? Amazing! A trusted partner would make sure you stay safe as you wander in your parallel universe while physically in this one....hmmm....okay, I'm done, now.

[Jamie]

You're fine; your criticism is valid, and I appreciate the feedback on it. ...It's also 02:30 there..., and I just wrote it, currently in a state of mild sleep deprivation. I may have accidentally double-dosed my ADHD meds,

This is actually for my SO, who I know well incredibly well and knows me extremely (bit of an understatement) well in return. He traveled 5100 miles to see me again, and I'll be traveling that distance to him in December. We've been together for about a year. ...You'd be surprised at the s--t he can handle from me. I don't mind explaining. Though if you dig back to the earliest writing on the site, "Lilith,"... he helps me deal with her when she starts getting pushy again, for context

I appreciate the feedback on it, and I suppose I was a bit to subtle in hinting at the dedication. I'll see where I can work that in.

[Jamie]

I'm a nitwit. I didn't realize it was this one first. I wrote this in the midst of my first major psychotic episode related to mania. It's somewhat of a... venting piece... related to stigma, but also directed at those close to me, that know me more than most, but I'm unsure about. My bad.

[Jamie]

I do see all of that, hear all of that; the severity varies. ...My mind is a dick like that and likes to conjure up demons and other a*****e creatures to screw with me. And bugs. I don't like bugs, but of course, there's always bugs.

[Carol Cashes]

Great! I'll be looking up Lilith, now. We are fostering two baby puppies who need to be fed every three hours, played with, pooped and peed, then the cycle begins again. It's my turn and I did take an extra 5 mg of my Adderall to stay awake for them. It's okay, before I had sleep meds or Adderall, my insomnia produced some of my best writing.

[Jamie]

...That... She... is an interesting one. And a b***h. But from a psychology student's perspective, also interesting.

Hope that keeps you up to survive the puppy-ing. Gotta love puppies, but it's always hard those first few months, and fostering is difficult as hell, I'd imagine.

Oh, yeah, my best writing is produced either manic or depressive. Usually not baseline. So I feel you there.

[Carol Cashes]

I have dysthymia, which means I'm a highly functioning depressive. Because I continue to "function" many of my friends tend to forget about the "depressive" part, which manifests has a fugue state which last anywhere from 3 days to several months. I am on auto pilot: I do only what I have to, then I have to occupy my brain with entertainment (i.e.: binge watch Netflix, 12 or more hours at a time, coloring, or reading until the fog rolls out and I have original thought again. I'm 2 days out of my last fugue state, which thanks to two little soul stealers with four legs and pot bellies didn't last as long as usual. As for mental conditions - I got off very lucky. But damn, I think I could handle seeing some s**t once in while - material to write about!!

[Jamie]

Yep. I think often described as "Chronic low-level depression". I've heard it described as such in classes, but it's still a b***h and a half. Animals are shown to help with health disorders, both mental and physical. Glad to hear you're out of that again. S**t sucks.

Runs in my family. 4th generation bipolar or schizo.

Oh, it definitely gives you some good writing material. Won't deny that.