Soften the Blow

A Poem by Jamie

TRIGGER WARNING.Wrote this one during a very, VERY dark time in my life. Since come out of it. Botched med attempt.

Will it make it easier if I make you hate me?
If I tear open the wounds of the past,
dig my talons into your chest and make new?
Twist to tear you apart,
to drive the point home,
and rip out your heart?
All while hiding tears behind a mask of remorseless glee,
tossing the very thing you entrusted to me aside like a used chew toy?
Laughing, watching you pick your broken body and mangled heart up off the floor,
turning away for the last time without even a final glance over your shoulder?
Will it?

Will it make it easier if I just disappear?
Log off one night and never return?
Never hear my voice again?
Only a last letter or an email?
A confirmatory text from Dan?
Will the shock numb you?
Paralyze you?
Leave you unable to feel the pain you’ll waste on a creature like me?
Will it?

Will it make it easier if I truly say goodbye?
Say, “Welterusten [Sweet dreams],” one final time before we hang up?
Leave you one more message saying, “Goedenacht [Goodnight],” and one more, “Goedemorgen [Good morning],” to greet you in the morning?
Apologize profusely for leaving you behind,
breaking a promise,
despite knowing it will never be enough?
Assure you that you did everything you could,
are the best thing to have ever happened to me,
and that none of this is your fault?
Leave that final, “Ik hou zielsveel van jou, mijn schat,” [I love you very much, my dear]
signing it with, “Je Klein Vogeltje?” [Your Little Bird]
Will it?

My dear,
mijn schat,
I am going to do the one thing I never wanted to:
hurt you, unbearably so.

With time,
the pain will ease,
and you will love another.
And that person,
as I do and always will,
is going to accept every piece of you with a smile on their face.

Babe, are you handsome?
I promise I’ll answer when you do.
Contingencies.
Don’t worry.
I’ll hear you.

Ik hou heel veel jou, mijn schat. (I love you very much, my dear.)
Mijn lief. (My love.)
…Mijn beertje. (My little bear.)
Zo… zo veel. (So… so much.)

Please don’t ever forget that.