The Decline of My Sanity

A Story by Patient X

A note. To you.

Preface

It is so terribly easy to be cliche. Nowadays it's nearly impossible to be truly original. Even when we think we are, a quick search on Google shows us just how difficult it can be to come up with something never before seen, heard of, or done. With this in mind, I would like to say that this "story" (if I may call it that) is most likely nothing new. I'm entirely sure that something similar to it has been done before, and I in no way expect that it will earn much merit. This is simply a place to let my "creativity" fly. Everything we know is based on something we have experienced in the past, so this piece of work is just a collection of past experiences put in a new arrangement. I now let you depart on a journey through my mediocre imagination. Enjoy.

---

Humble Beginnings

Dear You,

I write this at night. No. This is not a diary. Well, I suppose it could be one. If it were a diary, that'd make you a naughty little child wouldn't it? Reading someone's diary. Shame on you. Let us call it instead a note. A note to you. A note you found in that book you checked out from the library last week. The one with the drab cover that smelled slightly acidic. You weren't really looking forward to reading it, you just needed an emergency book. All readers have them. Anyways. This is not a place to discuss literature. Though I'm sure we'd both love that. No. This is a note. That fell out of your emergency book. A pleasant surprise. You pick it up, hoping it's a dollar or maybe a coupon to some already cheap fast food place. I'm sorry. I'm not here to get you a free burger. Though, if you'd like, we can meet up for lunch sometime and I'll buy you one. I get lonely. I digress... a note. I don't know about you, or the general populace (I don't talk to a great multitude of people), but finding something unexpected always gives me a small rush. This note gives you a rush. It's a long one. You hope it's juicy. It's addressed to you. You feel special. This note is your new emergency book. You don't want to read it all at once. You tell yourself that you'll read a little at a time. Make it last before you go back to your predictable life. That proves to be hard. You fly through the slightly disjointed writing. The more you read, the more disappointed you are. There seems to be no point. The note is going nowhere. You're not about to discover the meaning of life or the winning lotto numbers. You poor thing. You shove the note in your pocket and flip to the back of your emergency book (it's paperback of course) to read about how Penelope is about to make some major life discovery with a bits of saucy romance along the way. I wonder how that one will end. Be sure to let me know. You start the novel. Not too shabby. Definitely not a best seller, although it most likely claims to be. Time flies by. Books do that. And now... you are with me. It is night.

---

Why?

I write at night. If you're observant (and I'm sure you are), you may have noticed that I failed to mention the purpose of this note. I did say that you would not be the recipient of vast knowledge or wealth. So what will you gain from reading this? Absolutely nothing. Stop now. Not everything is about you. We rotate around the sun. I'm sure you're the brightest of stars, but let's be real; 99% of the population doesn't know you exist. I do though. And I am writing specifically to you. I want to remind you that you are still in fact a star and very important. I am writing for you. This note holds great importance, and, if you get to the end (good luck), you will understand its purpose. My purpose...

Upon closer inspection, I now realize that I have completely contradicted myself in a matter of mere sentences. I do that often. Without a doubt, you will find many contradictions within this note. I warn you now. I have flaws. You do too. You're wasting your time reading this. It's alright. I am here for you. We can love each other despite our flaws. Or for them. Love. I have brought that word up far too early. Love is a frightening, fragile, little thing. I shall discuss it later. Don't you worry. I'll try to be juicy. It is night after all. There is no better time for such discussion. For now though, why don't you take a break? Rest that beautiful mind. I'll always be here for you. I'm not going anywhere. Sweet dreams. It is night.

---

I write at night. I have been thinking (I do a lot of that). Perhaps you wish to know about the entity that is writing you a note. Or maybe you don't. I wouldn't be surprised. Although it would hurt my feelings. If that's the case, if you don't wish to waste anymore time filling your mind with this nonsense, then please, for my sake... No. For yours. Please stop reading. Burn this this note. Do not share it with anyone else. It is yours. Only. Solely. Even if you find it boring, foolish, and don't finish it, it is still for you. We do not fall in love with every present we receive. The least you can do is smile and pretend. For me. Speaking of me. Let us get back to that. Me. I bless your precious soul if you are still with me. Reading my words. Taking anything from them. But back to me. I am a selfish creature. I believe we all are. That could just be my corrupt mind wishing that everyone is as bad as myself, but evidence suggests otherwise. I am sure you have seen it. We do not need to go there. With negative talk it is far too easy to fall into dark abysses. Especially at night. As I was saying... I am selfish. I am also beautiful and insecure. That first part is a lie. Or a truth. To be honest with you (and so far that's all I have been) I am not sure. We are not fair judges of our own beauty. We cannot fairly assess ourselves. I'm not quite sure that anyone can fairly assess anything. We are all full of biases and predispositions. Does it matter? No. We think what we think, and it is constantly changing. One thing I do know is that you are beautiful. I am glad you have found me. Another thing you should know about me is that my glue is not yet dry. I am fragile. Easy to break. All of my pieces are in place. Set to dry and be secure. To make something functional. But life loves to throw destruction in our paths. All it would take is a soft caress to disrupt my destiny. Dislodge one of my pieces. The glue is not quite dry. But, if that does happen, their hand will be left sticky. Yes, they can wash me away. It'd be easy. I have not been blessed with an assemblage using super glue. My impact wouldn't be lasting. But it would be an impact. Wouldn't it? Am I leaving an impact on you? Do you like me? Do I make sense? Please. Please. No. I will not beg you. This is about me now. It is my note. I am a shining star. I light up your universe now. But again, all it would take is your soft caress... Would that put out my light? Would I be dark? Like it is now? It is night.

---

Night

I write at night. Night. I adore it. No light. Except for the stars and moon. Such beauty. Or is it? Ha. I don't care. I find it beautiful. I always write to you at night. It's only fitting. To write to beauty during a time of beauty. We often get our best ideas at night. Lying in bed. Staring at the ceiling. Or maybe your eyes are closed. One day I will see. But you won't, if you eyes are closed. We lie in bed. And think. Not every night. Some nights the evil day is too taxing. We are too tired. Straight to sleep. Into dreamland. Oh how I love dreams. That is true beauty. I shall discuss that later as well. Dreams and love. Are you keeping track? Some nights we lie in bed and think. Whether we want to or not. Our minds run wild. They are free. No longer forced to conform to the day's evil tasks. If you're like me, yours likes to run into dark forests. Deep oceans. Under the bed. I like to think we are the same. I think about it. A lot. At night of course. Light. Light is evil. So is day. They are the evil stepsisters. And night. Night is the beautiful Cinderella. Spinning around at the ball in her shining gown. That's how I see her. How I see you. But most people, they see her in her rags. But you and I, we see her for what she truly is. A vision. A princess. Let's dance. Dance with me. I love to dance. In my mind I dance wonderfully. In your arms I am Cinderella. Night lets me steal her identity. I love her for it. In night we can truly be alone. Not from her. No. She will never leave you. Neither will I. But from everyone else. People. People are evil. But not you and I. We are beautiful. With this note I give you a new night. I take you away from evil. But you are not alone. I am with you. And it is beautiful. I am your Cinderella. Dance with me. When we spin. My pieces will cascade. Off into the night. Such a vision. We will be beautiful. It consumes me. Thinking about it. I am at peace. I know you are too. Whenever it is night, you will now think of this note. Of me. Your new night. This is why I write at night. It is night.

---

Dreams

I write at night. Night is when we dream. For most of us. Daydreams are not the same as true dreams. I feel for insomniacs. I cannot imagine a world without an abundance of sleep. While I do enjoy night, my lover (or is that you... I've still yet to discuss love...), I do abandon her to dream. I cannot control my dreams. Some can. Lucidity is a gift. One I am not sure I wish to receive. Part of the wonder of dreams is their wild nature. We don't remember all of our dreams. I find that a shame. But I am not greedy. I can live with the ones I do. In our dreams we can fly, love, kill, die, do anything really. They don't always make sense. They don't need to. Our minds are a labyrinth. One that can be difficult to escape. I try my hardest not to get trapped in mine. I often fail. Dreams are gateways to the labyrinth. And waking is the only escape. I don't always wish to escape. You are in my dreams. In my dreams we are not separated. This note separates us now. I hate it. I love it. It connects us. It keeps us apart. You know me for my words. I know you for all that you are. Your essence is intoxicating. When we dream, we are free. Nothing matters. Sometimes we don't want to wake up. I don't believe in nightmares. They are still only dreams. They don't deserve a special title. Fear is a part of life. So are dreams. Not all of life can be happy, as is the same with our dreams. I find tragedy beautiful. In my dreams we dance. Spinning. Pieces cascading. We are free. Oh, how you smile. Your smile. Indescribable. And then your teeth fall out. One by one. Tiny white pearls. Along with my pieces. Cascading. Swirling together. Creating their own dance. We watch. Mesmerized. Until our eyes melt away. Leaving in their place swirling black holes. That's where night likes to hide. In the darkness. Until she must leave us. Day is coming. She is frightened and kisses us goodbye. Her lips. Indescribable. As I wake, I feel you leaving me. Our hands grasp for each other as we are pulled apart. You take with you one of my fingers. The glue is still not quite dry. I wake up with a wet face. The sun shines. Mocking me. I don't want her. I want you. You are my shining star. I count the hours until I am reunited. With night. When I may write this note. To you. My Cinderella. At night I write to you. At night I dream of you. At night I dream. At night. It is night.

---

Love

I write at night. I love night. I love dreams. I love you. I love. Love is indescribable. Much like your smile and the lips of night. It fills us with so much feeling. Our hearts ache. It can make us incredibly high or devastatingly low. It hurts. It feels amazing. I am sure you've been in love. We love family, friends, pets... That is a different love. No less important, but different. The love I speak of now is the love that grips your soul. Leaves you vulnerable. Weak. But you don't care. You're in love. The pain and uncertainty is worth the way you feel when they look at you. When they touch you. Cascading... We are in love. Forever connected. I write to you. In love. These words are for you alone. That is how love should be. Special. You are truly special. Beautiful. A vision. I tell you this. When we dance. As you read my words. I love you. You love me. We are in love. We are one. In love. In night. In the darkness. Spinning. Indescribable. When we touch, I am free. No longer strung together. The glue is gone. We dance. Cascading. Darkness. Your smile. Love. Stop. Now. Look out your window. Do you see the stars? It is night. I'm sure of it. Because you love me. And night. We are lovers. A triangle of sorts. Connected. You smile. Those teeth. My pearls. They shine. In the darkness. In night. It is night.

---

Beauty

I write at night. Night is beautiful. I am beautiful. Dreams are beautiful. You are beautiful. Beautiful. Do I overuse the word? I mean it every time I use it. I hope you don't think I mean physical appearance. Although that does play a small part. No. You're too smart for that. Too witty. Intelligent. Your mind is beautiful. Beauty is in the unique. The different. Wild. Indescribable. The things we can't quite explain. When I think of you, that's the first word that comes to my fragile mind. Beautiful. Sunsets are beautiful, yes. So are flowers. A pretty face. Those things make me smile. But you, your mind, your smile. That is true beauty. A whole new level. Beauty is a taste of love. And oh how sweet is it. Almost sickeningly so. Almost. Intoxicating. I hope you find my words as beautiful as I find you. For now that is all you have of me. For now. I apologize. It is not fair. For I have far more of you than you have of me. For your beauty is in my dreams. Dreams are so beautiful. Indescribable. Spinning. Her lips. We dance. Mesmerized. Beautiful. Your smile. Beautiful. You do not deserve to be sad. I won't allow it. I will gladly take your unhappiness. Wear it on my chest. I have enough of my own. Why not start a collection? I will wear it as a necklace alongside my string of pearls. Your teeth. Shining. Depression is ugly. You are not ugly. You are beautiful. Dance with me. But do not rest your head upon my chest. Upon my heart. That is where the sadness lives. It will whisper to you. Terrible things. Don't listen. Dance with me. Chin up. Smile. There. Mesmerizing. Indescribable. Beautiful. Look into my eyes. Into the swirling darkness. Into night. It is night.

---

Sadness

I write at night. I do this so I can hide. From the sadness. It has surprisingly poor vision. During the evils of day, it finds me. Finds you. Infects us. Our thoughts. It used to find me at night too. For many, this is still the case. But now I am free. Free because I gouged out its eyes. Replaced them with night. Now it cannot see me. Cannot see you. I did this. For you. For me. No. For you. My Cinderella. Dance with me. Do not place your head upon my heart. I know where the sadness hides. At night. When it cannot find us. It does not give up. It does night die. It takes refuge. In my heart. It is my burden to bear. But I bear it with a smile. God, your smile. With a smile and a wet face. Taste me. My face. Your tongue will meet salt. That is the flavor of sadness. Salt. Unlike love. Who is sweet. Beautiful. Depression is ugly. Bitter. Salty. I will protect you from its grasp. I will protect you from all evils. For you to truly appreciate this, I will show you. Show you what I'm keeping away. You may already know. I think we all do. Sadness is a harlot. It gets around. Infecting even the best of us with its reaching tendrils. The secret is in its eyes. Look at me. Look at night. Eyes. Teeth. Mesmerizing. You are beautiful. All of you. Even your sadness. Let me have a piece. I will take your depression. It clouds that beautiful mind. Let me wear it as a necklace. I love jewelry. Will you buy me a ring? One with a big diamond. Watch it sparkle. Like your smile. Indescribable. I do hope you can still read this. Sadness has decided to wage a war with night. I can taste it on my face. Its blood smudges my words. My words. They are for you. I cannot see. I need you. It is dark. It is night.

---

Hate

I write at night. Night is my true love. Not you. I hate you. You are a despicable being. You do not appreciate what I have done for you. My eyes. No. You need to be taught a lesson. An important one. Keep reading. It's the least you can do. You disgust me. You are a shining star. Full of light. I hate light. I love the dark. Night. My lover. Her kiss. Her lips. Indescribable. But I have no trouble describing you. Terrible. Disgusting. Despicable. Light. Shining. Star. Beautiful. No. Ugly. Monster. What have you done? You disturbed the wrong piece. Your touch, too harsh. I am fragile. The glue is not dry. Forgive me. No. Hate me. I hate you. Consuming. It tastes like dirt. You. Are. Dirt. Stop reading. You don't deserve a stroll through my labyrinth. For I am beautiful. And you. Ugly. Disgusting. Your teeth. Sharp. Jagged. Razors. Sink them into my heart. Take back your sadness. And some of mine. Then maybe you'll understand. Kiss me. Your lips. Your tongue. Taste me. The salt. The dirt. An interesting cocktail. Look into my eyes. At night. She loves me. Not you. She stays by my side. Never alone. You will always be alone. We no longer dance. You. Spinning. Away. Cascading. Into the light. Alone. The sun. Burns. Sadness can find us now. There's nowhere to hide. I'm scared. I hate you. Nowhere to hide. It is day.

---

Pieces

I write at night. Day is evil. Day is full of hate. In day we can't hide. I'm afraid my glue will never dry. You've tugged too hard on my pieces. Even if I do dry. I'm not set right. Something is off. You did this to me. No. Day did this to me. Where is night? She's here. Always. In my eyes. Your smile. Mesmerizing. How many pieces have you taken from me? Two? Three? I need them back. I have taken nothing from you. Besides your sadness. Your ugly. Have it back if you wish. Just let me be whole. You complete me. Let's share our pieces. Sadness and all. Swirling. Together. One. I love you. Indescribable. I'm sorry. So sorry. Forgive me. I'm afraid you've taken an important piece. My heart. But you left the sadness. How could you? You love me. We dance. Cascading. I can't see. Neither can the sadness. Perhaps we are a better pair. Where have you gone? Do you still read my words? I'm afraid. I grasp for you. But only lose fingers. Soon I will be nothing. Nothing but words? Do you read my words? Please. If you don't love me. Read me. I am nothing but words. Nothing but black. Down to a few pieces. A few pieces of paper. Lick them. Taste me. Salt. Disgusting. I am not beautiful. But night. Night is beautiful. Unlike you, she will never leave me. I will be fine. It is night.

---

Smile

I write at night. At night your smile stands out against the inky abyss. Shines. Light. My shining star. I hate light. I love you. Love. Teeth. Pearls. Indescribable. Smiles perfectly describe humanity. Smiles deceive. Smiles are happy. Smiles are sad. Smiles show teeth. Teeth bite. Teeth hurt. Jagged. Razors. Bite me. Taste my soul. You smile at me. Is it real? Am I real? But dear God, your smile. I wear my necklace of pearls. Your ring shines on my last finger. Glistens. Like a smile. Your smile. Never frown. Shall I cut your face? A permanent smile. My permanent smile. My Joker. My Cinderella. Dance for me. Smile for me. I cannot smile. I only frown. The sadness has stolen my grin. You. You have stolen my everything. A thief. A joker. A joker and a thief in the night. Mine. You swirl away. With my fingers. With my heart. My everything. Always smiling. Stop smiling. Are you smiling? I cannot see. Did you take my eyes? I can't look away. Mesmerizing. I will cut your face. Cut you. Let you bleed. Your face will be wet. Like mine. We are one. Connected. You are red. Why don't you smile? You have a beautiful smile. Beautiful. Indescribable. I stroke your cheek. With my last finger. It comes back wet. Red. Shining. Glistening. Beautiful. I paint my lips. I paint on a smile. You make me smile. I love you. Beautiful. Why can't we all just smile? Embrace your humanity. Smile. Night makes me smile. It is night.

---

Falling

I write at night. At night I dream. Of you. Always. You and I. Together. One. I had a new dream. Different. Exotic. Enticing. Indescribable. Beautiful. You. You are beautiful. In my dream we fall. Into night. Into her gentle caress. Her caring arms. My lover. You are my lover. I am safe. I fall. Cascading. No more glue. I am free. You are free. Reach for me. For my heart. I am all out of fingers. Your ring. My ring. Our ring. Glistening. Falling. Mesmerizing. Shining. Your smile. A string of pearls. The sadness shakes free from its home in my heart. We are happy. Falling. Weightless. Happy. You are my bird. My Joker. My Cinderella. What am I to you? Do you love me? I am falling. Falling in love. Are you falling? In my dream we fall. Never to land. There is no ground. Night will save us. Save us all. Safe. Falling. Her lips. I am free. Finally. Free. I can see. It is beautiful. Indescribable. I am no longer pieces. I am me. You are you. We are us. Together. One. Falling. Spinning. Our essence is intoxicating. We shine. Our light is beautiful. We are the sun. Evil. Beautiful. Godly. Falling. Falling. Falling asleep. At night we sleep. At night dream. It is night.

---

Fading

I write at night. As night comes to me, the light fades. I am fading. Fast. I don't know why. Something has changed. I no longer dance. No more glue. Or has it dried? I have lost focus. Fading. A note. What is a note? Words? Paper? Pen? You. You are a constant. You don't leave me. No. Yes. You do. Night. My true lover. Eternal. Beautiful. No. You. A note. A note to you. Remind me. Who am I? Who are you? Am I you? We. Us. One. Together. Indescribable. Cascading. No. Fading. A smoky hue. Disappearing. Penelope. Tell me. What comes of Penelope? Tell me her secret. Does she dance. Does she have a beautiful smile. Your smile. Mesmerizing. I fade. My ink. Fading. My painted smile. Your blood. Your wet. Your red. Fading. My face is always dry. The sadness laughs. Cackling. Gripping my heart in its greedy hands. I choke. Barely audible. Fading. Remember me. I write to you. A note. A note to you. You. A note. Important. Don't forget. Take your ring. Put it on a string. A string of pearls. Shining. Wear it around your neck. I love jewelry. Wear it against your heart. Your heart. My heart. One. Together. Fading. Dancing. Never stop dancing. You cannot stop smiling. I made it so. Your beautiful face. My Joker. I am sorry. I love you. Indescribable. Never fade. You are a shining star. All stars fade. Not you. Fading. No. Shine bright. A powerful light. I hate light. I hate you. Beautiful. Powerful. Grab me. Fill me with your light. I am night. Night is me. I am her. We are one. You and I. Dark. Shining. Mesmerizing. Indescribable. I fade. Fade into night. No. Fade into light. No longer me. I am you. I am night. You are me. We are one. Together. There is no night. It is night.

---

You

I write at night. This is my last night. There is nothing left of me. Only you. And night. Take my lover. Treat her like the princess she is. Cinderella. Smile at her. Your beautiful smile. Mesmerizing. I am gone. Only you now. You. It is better this way. I am free. Finally. Free. I am no longer pieces. Just words. Repeating myself. Contradictions. Madness. Beauty. Indescribable. A note. A note to you. You. That's what matters. That is my purpose. You. Always has been. You. I love you. My shining star. I love your light. Bathe the world in your beauty. Mesmerizing. I ask of you one thing. Remember me. When you look at night. Into her eyes. At her glorious stars. Shining. My pieces. I am free. Bright. Glistening. Your smile. Eternal. Ethereal. Beautiful. Dance with me. One last time. Spinning. Together. Forever separate. You are beautiful. Dark. Light. Connected. Cascading. Shimmering. Glorious. Dream. Dance. Smile. My string of pearls. I give them to you. They were always yours. All of me. Yours. I am gone. Only you now. You. Always has been. I have never liked goodbyes. They are necessary. Important. Don't forget. My purpose. You. Shall I prolong the inevitable? You are almost done. Like me. With my note. My note to you. You. You are important. A shining star. Mine. Special. Reject the mediocre. The predictable. Beauty is in the different. You are beautiful. Don't lose your beauty. Mesmerizing. Indescribable. You. Never forget...

I am afraid I must leave you now. I am tired. I must sleep... Dream... Forever... It is night.

Forever Yours,

Patient X