Chapter 1

It is the crack of dawn…A few adults are outside tending to their cattle or walking around…Kids are running around, playing on the grass…Hawks are flying in the sky…Everything seems to be right in the land of Samaria.

 

Inside a house you can see that it is a pig-sty. Clothes are lying everywhere, a cracked table and another flipped upside down, spilled water all over the floor. Sitting at the edge of a bed is a man that looks to be in his early-mid twenties. He has a hood over his face so it’s hard to see his eyes. You can see that he has a mustache and chinstrap for facial hair. He appears to be wearing a tunic that covers him from top to bottom. Suddenly the man starts to speak.

 

Man: “Sigh”

 

The man gets up from his bed and walks through his messy clothes, kicking them along the way and stops by his fridge. He opens the fridge to find nothing in it. Suddenly the man starts to speak.

 

Man: “Sigh”

 

The man shuts the refrigerator door and returns to his bed. Before he gets in, he looks up at the wall and stares at what appears to be pouches that hold swords. There are three pouches, but two are empty. The only sword that is in a pouch is pretty small; it could probably be considered a knife rather than a sword. Suddenly the man starts to speak.

 

Man: “Sigh”

 

The man gets in his bed and starts to lie down. He gets under the covers and turns to face the wall when someone comes rushing in.

 

“Tazir-Senpai! Tazir-Senpai! Master wants to see you!” the person says. Tazir remains motionless. Tazir begins to think to himself “He doesn't see me. He doesn't know I’m in the bed”

 

“Tazir, I can see you, I know you’re in the bed.” The person says innocently. Tazir lazily rolls over and stands up at the edge of his bed again.

 

Tazir: “Nadir. Would it have been hard to knock?”

 

Nadir: “Sorry Senpai. I just know that it was urgent that Master see you.”

 

Tazir: “You don’t have to be formal with me Nadir. It’s fine to call Master his real name: Grey-Haired B*****d.”

 

Nadir lets out a laugh and asks Tazir a question.

 

Nadir: “Do you know what it is he wants?”

 

Tazir: “To nag me about something.”

 

Nadir: “Well Senpai, I know he is still furious about that blaze incident.”

 

This seems to strike a nerve in Tazir. He slams his hand on his bed.

 

Tazir: “Damnit! That could have happened to anyone! I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

 

Nadir: “You almost burned the city down Tazir-Senpai.”

 

Tazir: “I stopped it! By the way, why aren’t you training with the other rooks?”

 

Nadir: “I already finished. I’ve been doing great since I’ve been learning from you. The other members don’t have someone great to teach me like you.”

 

Tazir: “Just remember, Nadir. Practicing against the fellow Brotherhood is nothing like going against those Teutonic Knights. Hermann and his Order aren't exactly the kindest of people”

 

Nadir: “I’ll remember that Senpai”

 

Tazir: “Good. Then that means you’re not finished with training. Now get going. I have to see what the old man wants”

 

Nadir: “Yes Senpai!”

 

Nadir rushes out of the house and back to the training grounds. Tazir gets up and prepares to go see what the Master wants. He puts on his shoes and heads outside. He looks up north to where the Master’s tower is located. He starts talking aloud.

 

Tazir: “I could take the long route. But then that would be a longer walk. I could use the buildings and walls to get there quicker. But then that would be too much of a workout. It’s a lose-lose situation. Why can’t that old fool just come see me?”

 

Tazir looks at the long route and notices a middle-aged lady. She is talking to another elderly lady.

 

Tazir: “Hmph. That old lady is always asking me to do something. I wonder what those two are talking about. Time to use the bat ears”

 

Tazir closes his eyes and holds his breath for several seconds. He hones in on the conversation.

 

Elderly lady #1: “Have you seen Tazir? I wanted to ask him if he could deliver a letter for me”

 

Elderly Lady #2: “I think that’s him over there. He looks like he is headed this way. Ask him when he comes over here”

 

Tazir opens his eyes and starts to breathe again. He waves over at the ladies. They wave back. “I guess I know which way I’m going” Tazir thinks to himself. He starts running towards a house and jumps and grabs the roof. He pulls himself up. Then he runs into a wall and starts to scale it to the top and after he gets to the top, he balances himself on top and looks down. He sees another house and jumps down, and when he lands, he rolls to absorb the impact. He then starts running some more and jumps on top of some crates and then grabs a ledge and starts swinging himself from it. He lets go and grabs a wall that was close by. He looks up and sees a piece of brick that is standing out a bit. He grabs that and pulls himself up. Now he is standing a few feet in front of where the Master resides. It resembles a tower. He walks towards it and there are two guards standing by the door. They have spears in their hands. Tazir walks up to the door. One of the guards stop him from going any further.

 

Guard #1: “Tazir, what is your business with the Master?”

 

Tazir: “I have no business with him. It’s his business with me. Why do we go through this every time?”

 

Guard #1:  “We just wish to protect the Master from harm”

 

Tazir: “I know for a fact that old guy can take care of himself. Just let me in”

 

Tazir and the guards are still arguing when the words “STOP THIS NONSENSE!” can be heard from atop the tower. A man can be seen from a window at the top of the tower. He has on a robe and is an elderly man with a full beard that’s gray-white. Tazir looks up and starts to speak.

 

Tazir: “Hey Master! What did you want with me?”

 

Master: “Come up here Tazir, and I will tell you.”

 

Tazir: “It’s tiresome either taking the stairs or scaling this huge wall. Can’t you just jump down? Roll when you land to absorb the blow”

 

Master: “Enough, Tazir. Come up here”

 

The Master walks away from the window and can’t been seen anymore

 

Tazir: “Sigh”

 

The guards let Tazir pass and he starts running up the stairs to the Master’s room. Once he enters, he catches his breath.

 

Tazir: “You have all this space Hanshi. You ever thought about getting something lower? So I wouldn’t have to break a sweat every time I see you?”

 

Master: “Think of it as training. Do you know why I called you here Tazir?”

 

Tazir: “Maybe”

 

Master: “Do you know what the creed is Tazir?”

 

Tazir: “Yes”

 

Master: “Speak it”

 

Tazir: “Do you know what the Creed is?”

 

Master: “Of course”

 

Tazir: “Then if we both know it, is there any reason to bring it up?”

 

Master: “To remind us what the Brotherhood is. Now, tell me what the Creed is.”

 

Tazir mumbles something under his breath. He finally speaks.

 

Tazir: "We are resilient like steel, our unwavering faith in our beliefs. The Brotherhood is the subsistence of our true nature: To hunt, and to hunt with undying precision. Like family, the virtue of bonding is precious. To watch over and protect our fellow brothers is the fundamental core of the Brotherhood, the unbreakable shield to our unfailing sword. We will take up this sword and this shield, and we will bestow upon those who are worthy these tools of our credence, and with these weapons, slay those who stand in our path without mercy and without regret. Let this creed be water to those who are worthy and poison to those who are not."

 

Master: “See, now was that so hard??”

 

Tazir: “A little. Why did you want me to say the Creed anyway?”

 

Master: “Because I know you very well Tazir. Even if we are supposed to protect one another, don’t do anything drastic that foolishly puts you in that situation”

 

Tazir is starting to get a little angry. He already knows what the Master is talking about.

 

Tazir: “Hanshi, that was long ago. I learned my lesson.”

 

Master: “I know how close you and Kalam were.”

 

Tazir: “Can this matter please be dropped? I won’t put myself or any of my fellow brothers in danger for the sake of revenge.”

 

Master: “Remember, revenge is not our realm of authority.”

 

Tazir: “Yeah, yeah.”

 

The Master takes some alcohol and pours it in a glass. He hands the glass to Tazir. Tazir takes the glass from him. He seems to have cooled down a little

 

Tazir: “Is there any reason to drink right now?”

 

Master: “You don’t need a reason to drink”

 

Tazir: “Sounds like a true alcoholic to me. How many drinks have you had, Hanshi?”

 

Master: “The student should not ask the teacher questions”

 

Tazir: “That was years ago. I have some of my own to train now”

 

Master: “When a child grows up and leaves the household their still their parents kid.”

 

Tazir: “Well how about you be a good teacher and return my damn shamshir to me. You know I use the Niten Ichi-ryū style. Just having my kilij is terrible”

 

Master: “After your little blaze incident I think its best you stick to one for now”

 

Tazir starts to get angry again

 

Tazir: “That could have happened to anyone! I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time!”

 

Master: “You almost burned Samaria down”

 

Tazir: “I stopped it!”

 

Master: “You should be able to finish what you started. I taught you that. Now drink! You know it’s rude not to drink when someone offers one to you?”

 

Tazir just mumbles something under his breath and starts to drink the alcohol. He finishes it in a couple gulps.

 

Tazir: “Geez, you can feel that in the chest. Now anyway Hanshi, I know you didn’t call me to drink or to remind me of the Creed. And I’m not getting my shamshir back right now it seems. What was it that you wanted from me?”

 

Master: “Well, Tazir. What is it assassins do? I want you to go on a mission”

Author's Note

I've been fascinated by Assassin's Creed lately. I just beat the first one and it inspired me to write this. I mix a WIDE variety of cultures in this.

A Cheat Sheet:

Kilij- A small sword

Shamsir- A regular sword although it's curved pretty radical for a sword

Senpai- Japanese honorific which usually means mentor

Hanshi- Japanese honorific for Master

Also I've been getting some complaints on the sighs at the beginning of the story...It should be noted that when Tazir sighs, he literally says it out loud and doesn't do the motion lol

Reviews

[Chris]

Before I begin, let me say that I looked at only three reviews (the ones from Daughter of Evil, Shep2, and Drako), so I may be repeating things that may have already been said or pointed out. If I do, then I apologize ahead of time.

Anyways, since this is intended to be a manga, or that's what I'm assuming, I won't talk too much about the narration. The only thing I'll point out is that you didn't describe what Nadir looked like.

As for dialogue, I can't really comment on it too much because I'm not so strong in this area myself. From my perspective, it seemed fine, but given what I just said, this might not mean a whole lot coming from me. There is one thing that stuck out to me as forced, though:

Can’t you just jump down? Roll when you land to absorb the blow”

Tazir giving the instructions on how to absorb the impact seems kind of forced here. Maybe it wouldn't seem that way if he was talking to a rookie, but he's talking to Master, and since he's the master, I'm sure he already knows what to do in order to land. I mean, something told me you were mainly saying that because you wanted the reader to understand that motion (and if I'm wrong on this assumption, ignore the rest of this sentence), but I think they should have gained some understanding of it when Tazir performed the motion earlier in the story, and if they didn't, then you might need to explain it, but try to do it where it would be more natural. Otherwise, I didn't notice any trouble with the dialogue. I did like the way you had Tazir say "sigh" rather than perform the action. To me, that's a unique spin on the character, and I could definitely see it as being his tag word.

As for the Creed, as much as I love the language in it, I'm inclined to believe you completely copied that from AC. I mean, it was obvious to me most of the idea of this story came from AC before I even looked at the Author's Note, but it would be better if you came up with your own creed rather than completely plagiarize it from the game. That way it'll make your story a little more original. Of course, I'm assuming that everything I just said is true, that you did copy the creed. I could be wrong on this, as I haven't played Brotherhood in roughly half a year, and if I am wrong, then I'll apologize and applaud you for your creation of the creed, for it was well done. And I would say try not to use the hooded appearance that's famous in AC, too, but I'll let that slide, as I don't see that as being as big of a transgression as you possibly plagiarizing the Creed.

Story-wise, I thought this was a good start. We get a good glimpse of Tazir's character by seeing how he acts and how he lives, and we get an idea on what the story is going to be about--assassins. There are a couple of things I want to point out, though: the beginning and the end. What you have currently for both of them is nice as is, but I do have some suggestions for them.

Let me talk about the beginning first. Maybe you could start the action sooner? Like, you can keep the shots of the outside scenery and the state of the room, but already have Tazir laying in the bed and have Nadir come barging in. Yes, Tazir going through his home and checking the fridge gives some insight into his character, but the reader should already understand he's a slob by the images you show of the state of his house, and the rest of this chapter adequately shows he's lazy, so the first part isn't really needed to introduce that. And those couple of actions in the beginning don't directly contribute to the plot. If you start off with Tazir already laying in the bed and Nadir barging in, you'll be starting the plot right from the get-go and maybe get the reader hooked into the story sooner. I mean, from what I understand from what I learned in my creative writing courses these past couple of years, it's best if the author starts off strong rather than give a gradual entry into the plot. I don't know if this is any different for manga. I imagine it wouldn't be because it's still telling a story much like non-manga forms of storytelling are, but I'll leave a small possibility that I could be wrong on this thought, especially since I haven't read a manga in a couple of years now. And of course, this is just my thought. Ignore it if you wish.

As for the ending, you left off at a good spot to get the reader wanting to read more, but you could maybe make it stronger, possibly by giving the reader a taste of what the mission might be without explaining the details of it (so you can save the details for the next chapter). Once again, this is just a suggestion. It's your choice on if you want to change it or not.

But yeah, overall, good start. :)

[Tamelia Jade]

- Master: “When a child grows up and leaves the household their still their parents kid.”
"They're still their parents..."
Also, you were a little inconsistent with the full stops. Some sentences had them but others didn't.
Anyway, this chapter was great. I was a little inspired when I played Assassin's Creed as well. It's awesome.
I love the sound of Tazir, he makes me giggle. I like the little details you mentioned because it really catches the interest. You definitely caught my attention and I could visualise the scene easily.
I'm glad you didn't copy the creed and you did well to describe the nature of assassins.
Overall, this is a great chapter and sounds like it's going to be exciting. I can't wait to read the rest of it :)

[DearSweetAgony]

Wow, this is a very interesting story, its not like the many manga inspired stories I've read before. Well first off, I would like to say that the story in the beginning started out rather slow. Almost slow enough to make a person want to exit this write, but that is merely a opinion. Second: I kind of knew that you had mixed some Assassin's Creed into this write from the settings and the style of their clothing. I actually play a little Assassin's Creed myself, so it was rather easy for me to see the difference in between this mangas clothing style and setting than in other manga styles and setting. Its usually the same ole' school girl uniform with the same setting and plot. Or its a about a ninja like samurai, with a setting that somewhat resembles the anime Bleach's plot. I really like the fact that you changed this up just a tad, and you did a rather good job if I might add. Last of all: I will not ignore the very few and rather minute errors in this write. Like for example the character development is a tad bit too fast for me to completely wrap my head around this story. And when I say 'character development' I mean the background characters not the main character. The main character is perfect; I understand who he is, how he acts, and how he reacts to things. Your main character couldn't be any better. Its just that the background characters pop up and leave too quickly and too much to actually understand who and what they are. Like, I thought that Nadir in the beginning was a little girl. I still am not completely sure if it is even a boy, I'll have to reread. But I figured that this was like this only because its the first chapter. Which would make since, and if it is to be true than its completely understandable. Other than the few matters I have pointed out, I thought this was a stellar write! It is the second best manga I've read on this site, and I am ELATED to read the next chapter! :)

[Darksummerswind]

I find that the introduction set the pace for the story very well and the way you introduced the character was done in a way that was out of the box. I like the comedy a lot and how the preparation for the next chapter. Probably the thing that excites me the most is the fact that you're adding elements of Assassin's Creed into the story (Got all three games).

Honestly it's too early for me to make any criticism yet but you might find some with Chris's review.

P.S. to Chris: I believe that he did create his own creed but I don't really remember the original, oh well.

[tynamite]

I'm loving this anime. The introduction for this is really effective. Normally when people write fantasy things things in chapter 1 they make it boring like we know what they're talking about, but you haven't done that at all. I like the double spaced lines best because it really sets the pace and tone of the story. The scene here is well set, and starts what could be imaginative.

[Paradoxical]

Oohhh I like this! Tazir sounds interesting... A nice start! It seems as though everyone before has caught the grammer mistakes and things so I don't have much to comment on... Wonderful!

[Shep]

Ok where should I start? I have taken my time to read your first chapter and found it amazingly good. I even laughed at the characters. It remind me of Kung fu Panda a little bit and in a good way because I really did enjoy this Chapter. Now for things I didn’t like

1. The font a big issue which I mentioned before.
2. Character interaction. (reason) It didn’t jell together. I too had this problem when I first began. I hated (He said. She said.) Felt it was choppy and unnecessary until I took a good look at other writers on sites like this and Published Authors. I had to admit I was wrong.

Now you can just blow me off that is your right, but I hope you won’t. You’ve got talent kid. I was laughing by a*s off when I figured out The Man “Sigh” was the words Tazir was actually saying. I had to rethink this out. Is this a regular book Novel? Maybe… Is this a screen play? Could be… Or is he something different altogether? Absolutely

3. Details and Dialog need to feel more relaxed not forced. The way to do this I really hate to say this. Is research other works and see how others do it.

You impressed me I have to see more of writing to see how your mind works. I have a friend that is right for you. She writes Anime her name is PrincessZeldaWannabe she not in this group yet; go and check out her writing. She has a book called Elemental Warrior. Plus there are others in this group to. I hope to read more my young Friend and will.

[Jiyuu]

I love the structure of your writing. It completely pulled me in. I absolutely LOVE where this story is going. Using the different array of cultures for this was such a great idea; it's nice to see a mixture of different things within writing, instead of just sticking to one thing. The comedy is to die for, especially when being mixed with that sense of suspense. I can't wait to learn more about this "blaze incident" that Tazir was involved in. Please, keep up the good work! I expect great things from you. c:

[Summer Windton]

Neat storyline. I actually couldn't see this as an actual movie. Maybe a video game or anime show. I could see this as an anime storyline though. Really cool. Keep it up.

[Ruby Read]

"Suddenly the man starts to speak:
*Sigh* "
I don't care what ANYBODY thinks on that aspect because I LOVE it when someone repeats something (as long as it's funny!)! I didn't see the part where you said it was a word that he says but I still think that's cool because it can be a catch phrase or something for the reader to identify him by! Maybe you should trademark it!