Chapter 1- Introduction

The very first chapter of the 30 Chapter Story Arc entitled: "The Skymon Saga"

 It is around ten in the evening. You can hear the sounds of cars driving, people arguing with one another, and a siren going off. The streetlights are on and there is a character named Soren who is out taking a stroll around the block. He has a book in his hand and a flashlight attached to it so he can see. The book appears to be called “You Can’t Spell Evil without Lie”

 

Soren: “Wow. I am surprised she ended up like that. I never thought she was behind it all. I can’t wait to see her fate.”

 

While Soren is walking and turning the pages he is stopped by three men.

 

Gang Member #1: “Looks like you picked a wrong part of the neighborhood to walk around alone.”

 

Soren stops reading his book and pulls out a bookmark from his pants pocket. He puts it in the page he was last reading and closes the book. He then looks calmly at the three men

 

Soren: “I’m sorry. Who are you guys?”

 

Gang Member #1: “We’re members of the Commandos and-”

 

One of the other members stops him from finishing his sentence.

 

Gang Member #2: “Law, there really is no reason to give answers to a dead man. Just know us as the people who are going to bury you.”

 

Afterwards the three gang members all pull out guns from their pants. Soren doesn’t seem to be phased and looks more interested than anything

 

Soren: “Three “Revolution” pistols? A 92 series if I’m not mistaken. How did you guys manage to get your hands on guns anyway?”

 

Law: “You’re quite talkative aren’t you? Shouldn’t you be more worried about dying?”

 

Soren has a blank look on his face and stares Law in his eyes

 

Soren: “Not really”

 

Law: “That’s it! Light him up boys!”

 

The three men open fire on Soren. Soren smacks the bullets away with his book and dodges a couple with ease. The three men look at him in awe.

 

Law: “What, or who the hell are you?” 

 

Soren: “I’m a strange guy. If I know the trajectory of the gun and how your finger moves when you pull the trigger it’s easy to avoid.”

 

The three men don’t seem to believe him and keep shooting. Soren deflects them all and in a split second appears a few inches in front of them. He looks impatient.

 

Soren: “You guys are becoming an annoyance now. You’ve shot off 27 bullets now. There’s no more ammunition in none of your guns, so please drop them. There’s no need to continue this senseless fighting any more.

 

Gang Member #3: “F**k you, you b*****d!”

 

The gang member makes an attempt to pistol-whip Soren but before he can do so, he is tapped on the shoulder by Soren, along with the rest of the gang. They drop to their knees for a few seconds, and then finally fall on the ground.

 

Soren: “No worries. Even though you won’t be able to move for a while, I’ll let one of your friends know where you are.”

 

Soren picks up all of their guns and throws them in the nearest dumpster. He walks away from them and continues to read his book. Ten minutes later Soren walks into a building and is greeted by somebody as soon as he walks in.

 

Person: “What book are you reading now?”

 

Soren: “This new mystery book I picked up yesterday morning”

 

Person: “How many pages is it?”

 

Soren: “657”

 

Person: “How far are you on it now?”

 

Soren: “I have 30 pages left”

 

Person: “You read too fast!”

 

Soren: “I probably would have finished during my walk but something came up”

 

Person: “Now that you mention it, it seems like your weekly walk took a lot longer than usual Soren, what happened?”

 

Soren: “I had a little run in with some people.” 

 

Person: “I hope you fucked them up.”

 

Soren: “So much profanity Jax. But I didn’t bother”

 

Jax (disgustedly): “You say that bullshit every time you fight somebody. Are you scared to have some blood on your hands? I’m pretty sure those guys weren’t looking to go out for pizza. If they’re out to kill you, why not kill them?”

 

Soren: “The only reason King is dead is because of me. Believe it or not there are a few people that don’t live to kill Jax.”

 

Jax: “Maybe if the b******s I’ve killed weren’t so weak then they’d still be alive. Not my problem if they succumbed to their injuries”

 

Soren (Walking away): “Whatever you say Jax. Whatever you say.”

Author's Note

Read and let me know what you think! Would like detailed feedback please. Thanks for reading!

Reviews

[Anonymous]

I like the imagery. I'm drawn to know more about Soren and Jax. The dialogue was nicely worded and I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes. I thought that this was a good opening to your story, which I am eager to watch unfold. Please continue and keep up the good work.

_Cloud

[Alewis]

its really good. i also like the imagery and how Soren can easily kill but decides not to. But make sure you keep the plot together and dont fade from the main point but i reall like this and hope u keep up the good work

[The Perfectionist]

this isn't really a book so much as a screenplay. We have no introduction to these characters, no idea what they look like or what any sort of personalities they have. We've got the name of two characters, one from Fire Emblem and the other from Mortal Kombat (and the fact that that is who I'm associating these people with is just more proof that you've established a grand total of nothing as far as characterization goes).

And now that I've actually read it all the way through, I'm bored. You have one tiny little scene that you attempt to have some type of mystery in, but you butcher it. Soren could clearly be so very badass, but you skim right over it. Like I said, this is a screenplay, not a book. you're asking me to fill in the visuals with my imagination, but I can't do that because you haven't even set the goddamn scene.

Also, your dialogue is awful. It's blocky and unnatural, and as soon as a character says more than one sentence at a time I begin to doubt their humanity.

You need to decide what exactly you're writing. If this is a book, it's atrocious. You have no setting, the flimiest of plot hooks, shallow, stock characters, and just no detail whatsoever. If it's a screenplay, it's a little more forgiveable, but I don't review screenplays because I know nothing of film or theatre. All I can tell you on that front is what I told you already, and that is that you really need to learn how human beings actually speak before you start writing dialogue for them.

EDIT: I just looked at your page properly and noticed this is supposed to be a comic/manga. You're on the wrong site, my friend. Visuals are everything in that world, and all I can do for you here is tell you that your dialogue needs a lot of work. A lot of my other problems can be thus excused, but I'd need to see it in order for that to mean a damn thing.

[Kho-San]

I completely agree with Cloud, this is a brilliant start, and it has definitely drawn me in. Any manga/comic which starts out action-packed will draw people to it.
I know this is going to be comic/manga, but my inner self can't help but complain about the way you worded the bit where he knocks them all out. I think you should word it differently and make it clearer that they have been knocked out.
Really good piece :D