Chapter 1- Introduction

The very first chapter of the 30 Chapter Story Arc entitled: "The Skymon Saga"

 It is around ten in the evening. You can hear the sounds of cars driving, people arguing with one another, and a siren going off. The streetlights are on and there is a character named Soren who is out taking a stroll around the block. He has a book in his hand and a flashlight attached to it so he can see. The book appears to be called “You Can’t Spell Evil without Lie”

 

Soren: “Wow. I am surprised she ended up like that. I never thought she was behind it all. I can’t wait to see her fate.”

 

While Soren is walking and turning the pages he is stopped by three men.

 

Gang Member #1: “Looks like you picked a wrong part of the neighborhood to walk around alone.”

 

Soren stops reading his book and pulls out a bookmark from his pants pocket. He puts it in the page he was last reading and closes the book. He then looks calmly at the three men

 

Soren: “I’m sorry. Who are you guys?”

 

Gang Member #1: “We’re members of the Commandos and-”

 

One of the other members stops him from finishing his sentence.

 

Gang Member #2: “Law, there really is no reason to give answers to a dead man. Just know us as the people who are going to bury you.”

 

Afterwards the three gang members all pull out guns from their pants. Soren doesn’t seem to be phased and looks more interested than anything

 

Soren: “Three “Revolution” pistols? A 92 series if I’m not mistaken. How did you guys manage to get your hands on guns anyway?”

 

Law: “You’re quite talkative aren’t you? Shouldn’t you be more worried about dying?”

 

Soren has a blank look on his face and stares Law in his eyes

 

Soren: “Not really”

 

Law: “That’s it! Light him up boys!”

 

The three men open fire on Soren. Soren smacks the bullets away with his book and dodges a couple with ease. The three men look at him in awe.

 

Law: “What, or who the hell are you?” 

 

Soren: “I’m a strange guy. If I know the trajectory of the gun and how your finger moves when you pull the trigger it’s easy to avoid.”

 

The three men don’t seem to believe him and keep shooting. Soren deflects them all and in a split second appears a few inches in front of them. He looks impatient.

 

Soren: “You guys are becoming an annoyance now. You’ve shot off 27 bullets now. There’s no more ammunition in none of your guns, so please drop them. There’s no need to continue this senseless fighting any more.

 

Gang Member #3: “F**k you, you b*****d!”

 

The gang member makes an attempt to pistol-whip Soren but before he can do so, he is tapped on the shoulder by Soren, along with the rest of the gang. They drop to their knees for a few seconds, and then finally fall on the ground.

 

Soren: “No worries. Even though you won’t be able to move for a while, I’ll let one of your friends know where you are.”

 

Soren picks up all of their guns and throws them in the nearest dumpster. He walks away from them and continues to read his book. Ten minutes later Soren walks into a building and is greeted by somebody as soon as he walks in.

 

Person: “What book are you reading now?”

 

Soren: “This new mystery book I picked up yesterday morning”

 

Person: “How many pages is it?”

 

Soren: “657”

 

Person: “How far are you on it now?”

 

Soren: “I have 30 pages left”

 

Person: “You read too fast!”

 

Soren: “I probably would have finished during my walk but something came up”

 

Person: “Now that you mention it, it seems like your weekly walk took a lot longer than usual Soren, what happened?”

 

Soren: “I had a little run in with some people.” 

 

Person: “I hope you fucked them up.”

 

Soren: “So much profanity Jax. But I didn’t bother”

 

Jax (disgustedly): “You say that bullshit every time you fight somebody. Are you scared to have some blood on your hands? I’m pretty sure those guys weren’t looking to go out for pizza. If they’re out to kill you, why not kill them?”

 

Soren: “The only reason King is dead is because of me. Believe it or not there are a few people that don’t live to kill Jax.”

 

Jax: “Maybe if the b******s I’ve killed weren’t so weak then they’d still be alive. Not my problem if they succumbed to their injuries”

 

Soren (Walking away): “Whatever you say Jax. Whatever you say.”

Author's Note

Read and let me know what you think! Would like detailed feedback please. Thanks for reading!

Reviews

[Anonymous]

I like the imagery. I'm drawn to know more about Soren and Jax. The dialogue was nicely worded and I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes. I thought that this was a good opening to your story, which I am eager to watch unfold. Please continue and keep up the good work.

_Cloud

[The fallen of innocence]

nice dialog, i rlye liked this , great job

[TheElfPrincess]

I enjoy this very much, I like manga and this would be a perfect manga. Well done, I like the idea and imagery.

[Angel~♥~Tears]

This was great! This would fit right in with all the other mangas on mangafox. You made it really easy to visualize what was going on. Great work(:

[sugar]

i read alot of manga and this would be perfect, i like jax:) imma keep reading cause i like it so much

[animefreak2345]

Well, you asked for my input, so here's what I got from the first chapter. Keeping in mind that this is my own opinion, bear with me here.

This needs a better introduction. Better yet, if you're writing it like a screenplay, you should have a piece with information for all the parts. There's nothing wrong with screenplays, per se, but when it comes to creating imagery, it can be difficult.

The second problem I see here is that we're presented with a character that's "cool" and can slap away bullets out of the air (complete with snappy comebacks), and therefore, I'll be honest, I don't know if I like characters that are almost introduced as near perfection without a reason. Comics have a tendency to do similar things though, but usually we're presented with a backstory that explains a lot (see: Sin City, Batman, etc). I'm sure we'll get a bit more history, but for right now, I'm not totally sure if I'm grabbed.

Also, this is just a grammar gripe, but if you're writing it as a screenplay, you don't need the quotes after a person talks.

Anyways, I'll check out chapter two soon, and let you know what I think. Don't let my opinion get you down though, I'm trying to be constructive and have only read this chapter. From what I can see, you've got a pretty positive reception here!

Good luck!

[Katie]

So I'll precede this by saying I don't read a whole lot of manga, so I don't know A LOT about the genre, but I can assume writing a manga is similar to making a story board for a script? Because that is something I am more familiar with. Also unlike The Perfectionist, I can't get the characters confused with those from the games, because I haven't played them.

Right so, fistly, if this IS going to be a manga You should write out all the dialogue (speech bubbles and what not) so the line:
Soren calmly asks who the people are. The man says that they are members of the Commandos and is about to say more when he is stopped by his partner.
Seems out of place to me.

The italics I assume are you describing what would be seen in the panel behind it? If that is the case, try and be a bit more detailed. Because we can't SEE the visual part of the manga (through no fault of yours mind you) try and describe it slightly more. Not so much that the description takes forever, but maybe three or four lines for each panel/stip. Also try to set the scene before you start out.

Adside from that...I won't know until I read more. I think you have an interesting idea, like the Perfectionst said, you have a bit of mystery going (I don't think you butcher it) it leaves me curious about the situation. But yea, I think just a better description of the panels will go a long way for the story.

as far as character development I dont think thats all that relevan in an introduction, and i think people often forget that you can get a lot about a character from the dialogue, hopefully that remains true with your story, and I will know from reading the rest

I look forward to reading the rest of it

[Sarah Hale]

Soren is AWESOME! This would actually make an excellent Anime. Great job!

[MadeCheaply]

I really like how you change points of view and keep the actions and speaking separated. One comment, I think more description could be used, like describing what was going through his head before the gang appeared, or what the street looks like. Other than that, nice job. :D

[Rae]

I like how Soren seems to be really badass. I mean, he can deflect and dodge bullets and such! I also like Jax's personality, from the little about him I just read. Maybe it's the profanity that I like because I use a lot of profanity in my characters. This seems to be a really good story. ^^ Good job!

[Jess Quna]

Though I have to agree with The Perfectionist on the fact that this is more screenplay than a book, which is continuous, I also have to agree with the others that it's good. I can easily paint a picture in my head when I read something, I don't even try, the picture comes to me really, and that helps with reading something written like this. Especially when there is no information about where someone is walking or how people look, you need visual imagination, not everyone who can write or enjoys reading has the ability to visualise so maybe this story isn't for everyone but what story is right? I'm lucky enough that I can fill the gaps with details that I like without it disrupting the story or without thinking but like I said, it depends on who you are writing for but it's enough as long as you're able to connect with your target group, achieve your goals. Btw I have to say, I like the way you word things, both in the actionscene and dialogue.
Greetings