Chapter 1- Introduction

The very first chapter of the 30 Chapter Story Arc entitled: "The Skymon Saga"

 It is around ten in the evening. You can hear the sounds of cars driving, people arguing with one another, and a siren going off. The streetlights are on and there is a character named Soren who is out taking a stroll around the block. He has a book in his hand and a flashlight attached to it so he can see. The book appears to be called “You Can’t Spell Evil without Lie”

 

Soren: “Wow. I am surprised she ended up like that. I never thought she was behind it all. I can’t wait to see her fate.”

 

While Soren is walking and turning the pages he is stopped by three men.

 

Gang Member #1: “Looks like you picked a wrong part of the neighborhood to walk around alone.”

 

Soren stops reading his book and pulls out a bookmark from his pants pocket. He puts it in the page he was last reading and closes the book. He then looks calmly at the three men

 

Soren: “I’m sorry. Who are you guys?”

 

Gang Member #1: “We’re members of the Commandos and-”

 

One of the other members stops him from finishing his sentence.

 

Gang Member #2: “Law, there really is no reason to give answers to a dead man. Just know us as the people who are going to bury you.”

 

Afterwards the three gang members all pull out guns from their pants. Soren doesn’t seem to be phased and looks more interested than anything

 

Soren: “Three “Revolution” pistols? A 92 series if I’m not mistaken. How did you guys manage to get your hands on guns anyway?”

 

Law: “You’re quite talkative aren’t you? Shouldn’t you be more worried about dying?”

 

Soren has a blank look on his face and stares Law in his eyes

 

Soren: “Not really”

 

Law: “That’s it! Light him up boys!”

 

The three men open fire on Soren. Soren smacks the bullets away with his book and dodges a couple with ease. The three men look at him in awe.

 

Law: “What, or who the hell are you?” 

 

Soren: “I’m a strange guy. If I know the trajectory of the gun and how your finger moves when you pull the trigger it’s easy to avoid.”

 

The three men don’t seem to believe him and keep shooting. Soren deflects them all and in a split second appears a few inches in front of them. He looks impatient.

 

Soren: “You guys are becoming an annoyance now. You’ve shot off 27 bullets now. There’s no more ammunition in none of your guns, so please drop them. There’s no need to continue this senseless fighting any more.

 

Gang Member #3: “F**k you, you b*****d!”

 

The gang member makes an attempt to pistol-whip Soren but before he can do so, he is tapped on the shoulder by Soren, along with the rest of the gang. They drop to their knees for a few seconds, and then finally fall on the ground.

 

Soren: “No worries. Even though you won’t be able to move for a while, I’ll let one of your friends know where you are.”

 

Soren picks up all of their guns and throws them in the nearest dumpster. He walks away from them and continues to read his book. Ten minutes later Soren walks into a building and is greeted by somebody as soon as he walks in.

 

Person: “What book are you reading now?”

 

Soren: “This new mystery book I picked up yesterday morning”

 

Person: “How many pages is it?”

 

Soren: “657”

 

Person: “How far are you on it now?”

 

Soren: “I have 30 pages left”

 

Person: “You read too fast!”

 

Soren: “I probably would have finished during my walk but something came up”

 

Person: “Now that you mention it, it seems like your weekly walk took a lot longer than usual Soren, what happened?”

 

Soren: “I had a little run in with some people.” 

 

Person: “I hope you fucked them up.”

 

Soren: “So much profanity Jax. But I didn’t bother”

 

Jax (disgustedly): “You say that bullshit every time you fight somebody. Are you scared to have some blood on your hands? I’m pretty sure those guys weren’t looking to go out for pizza. If they’re out to kill you, why not kill them?”

 

Soren: “The only reason King is dead is because of me. Believe it or not there are a few people that don’t live to kill Jax.”

 

Jax: “Maybe if the b******s I’ve killed weren’t so weak then they’d still be alive. Not my problem if they succumbed to their injuries”

 

Soren (Walking away): “Whatever you say Jax. Whatever you say.”

Author's Note

Read and let me know what you think! Would like detailed feedback please. Thanks for reading!

Reviews

[Anonymous]

I like the imagery. I'm drawn to know more about Soren and Jax. The dialogue was nicely worded and I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes. I thought that this was a good opening to your story, which I am eager to watch unfold. Please continue and keep up the good work.

_Cloud

[~Death The Kid~ ☜..]

this is really good! Soren sounds cool. i shall read more later ^_^

[Spookers]

I have to her honest, you know, cuz I am me. I did not really like it. I like the idea you are going for, but the imagry sucked and the dialog sounded like something my thirteen year lol brother wrote, which is not a good thing. I do not like critizing, and I am sorry for this. I like making manga, too, so I know how hard it is to work out everything.

[Paradoxical]

Hmm, interesting so far. The beginning is really fast and doesn't explain much, but, don't get me wrong, it's a perfect way to start. (on a side note there's a typo in Jax's second to last line, the "their" he says should be a "they're") Soren seems to be nonchalant, almost to the point of a cruel and heartless position (that's only what I've picked up in just these few lines but I'll have to read on to know more) and Jax looks like he might be a somewhat disturbing character... But I like it! Reading on.

[Emunah June.]

Soren sounds uber interesting! I love him so far. And Jax seems scool too, but I think I'll be more intereted in Soren's character development. I SHALL READ ON!

[Ruby Read]

Wow that's so cool! I like the part where he smacks away the bullets! I love comic/manga, so I'm really excited about this.

[Mytherea]

I'm only going to focus on your dialogue, since it's a manga and the description paragraphs aren't overly important. However, I would suggest you actually write out the whole dialogue, removing the parts such as "Soren calmly asks who the people are". Make that into dialogue and only use the italics to describe visual aspects of your work. I'm going to simply transcribe the dialogue that I made changes to, capping the changed bits and putting brackets around punctuation changes.

Gang Member #1: "Looks like you picked THE wrong part of the neighborhood to walk around alone."
Gang Member #2 (sounds too formal for some street thug): "Law, don't bother giving answers to a dead man."
Soren: "THREE Berettas, huh?" A 92 series[,] if I'm not mistaken." (Berettas is plural, not possessive, and, unless you're writing a very large number like 55,786, you write out the written version of a number)
Soren (why is he explaining so much for a bunch of thugs?): "I'm "Strange". If I know the trajectory of the gun and how your finger moves when you pull the trigger[,] it's easy to DODGE THE BULLET." Consider maybe italicizing "strange" instead of offsetting it in quotes. It's a little easier on the eyes and, since it's a comic, quotations might look odd in a speech bubble.
Soren: I'm beginning to grow tired of this. You've FIRED 54 bullets now. There's no more ammunition[.] Please, drop your weapons[.] I'LL SPARE your LIVES." Chopped it up a little and added more commas and periods where needed. Also, shortened the last sentence. It read very awkwardly.Also, changed "shot" to "fired" since "fired" is a stronger sounding word and has more punch than "shot".
And why 54? What happened to the other six rounds? And also, what's the likelihood that three street thugs have the exact same make and model of the same gun, with the same number of rounds in their magazines? You'd be more likely to get one of them with only a 10 round capacity, or maybe a 15.
Soren: "I hope that..situation you're in." I'd omit his entire "I feel bad", since if he really did feel bad, he'd maybe move them somewhere else, since he's proven himself to be stronger than the average individual. And, if they're unconscious, he wouldn't have to bother much with niceties. It sounds fake and contrived.
Person: "Seems like your weekly walk took longer than usual[,] Soren[.] What happened?
Soren: So much profanity, Jax. I didn't bother TO." Removed, "but" since it makes it sound like his statement here has something to do with Jax's profanity. When you comic this, I'd suggest off-setting these two statements as separate or conjoined bubbles, not the same one.
Change "their" in Jax's last sentence in the next line to "they're".
Soren: "The only reason THAT King is dead is because of me. Believe it or not[,] there are a few people that don't live to kill[,] Jax."
Jax: "Maybe if the b******s I've killed weren't so weak[,] they'd still be alive." Omitted "then". It was useless baggage that got in the way.
Soren: "Whatever you say[,] Jax. Whatever you say."
Other than that, I see no other problems with what you have so far. Story-wise, it's interesting, but I would have to read more to really make a judgement on it. Soren's ability to calculate a bullet's trajectory and deflect it is an intriguing one and I'm curious to see if it's because he's somehow superhuman physically or mentally.

[Silent Knight]

I like it so far. I will continue to read this soon. The imagery was good, and the characters seem interesting.

[State of Grace]

I like a lot! I think it would make a great anime

[BlackMoonRising]

I am an huge fan of all things manga and anime! I am glad you messaged me about this! I think this is a great so far! Imagery was nice, and Jax's use of profanity at the end is like the comic relief of the story it seems. I will definitely read on.

[Gone]

Considering this is a manga, it isn't necessary to have very detailed paragraphs. With that said, this is a good start. Admittedly, it reminds me a lot of Trigun, which I loved so it isn't exactly a bad thing. I'll come back to read the other chapters when I have more time, but I'm interested to see how Soren's character is portrayed as well as his friendship with Jax since they seem to have completely different views.