Chapter 1- Introduction

The very first chapter of the 30 Chapter Story Arc entitled: "The Skymon Saga"

 It is around ten in the evening. You can hear the sounds of cars driving, people arguing with one another, and a siren going off. The streetlights are on and there is a character named Soren who is out taking a stroll around the block. He has a book in his hand and a flashlight attached to it so he can see. The book appears to be called “You Can’t Spell Evil without Lie”

 

Soren: “Wow. I am surprised she ended up like that. I never thought she was behind it all. I can’t wait to see her fate.”

 

While Soren is walking and turning the pages he is stopped by three men.

 

Gang Member #1: “Looks like you picked a wrong part of the neighborhood to walk around alone.”

 

Soren stops reading his book and pulls out a bookmark from his pants pocket. He puts it in the page he was last reading and closes the book. He then looks calmly at the three men

 

Soren: “I’m sorry. Who are you guys?”

 

Gang Member #1: “We’re members of the Commandos and-”

 

One of the other members stops him from finishing his sentence.

 

Gang Member #2: “Law, there really is no reason to give answers to a dead man. Just know us as the people who are going to bury you.”

 

Afterwards the three gang members all pull out guns from their pants. Soren doesn’t seem to be phased and looks more interested than anything

 

Soren: “Three “Revolution” pistols? A 92 series if I’m not mistaken. How did you guys manage to get your hands on guns anyway?”

 

Law: “You’re quite talkative aren’t you? Shouldn’t you be more worried about dying?”

 

Soren has a blank look on his face and stares Law in his eyes

 

Soren: “Not really”

 

Law: “That’s it! Light him up boys!”

 

The three men open fire on Soren. Soren smacks the bullets away with his book and dodges a couple with ease. The three men look at him in awe.

 

Law: “What, or who the hell are you?” 

 

Soren: “I’m a strange guy. If I know the trajectory of the gun and how your finger moves when you pull the trigger it’s easy to avoid.”

 

The three men don’t seem to believe him and keep shooting. Soren deflects them all and in a split second appears a few inches in front of them. He looks impatient.

 

Soren: “You guys are becoming an annoyance now. You’ve shot off 27 bullets now. There’s no more ammunition in none of your guns, so please drop them. There’s no need to continue this senseless fighting any more.

 

Gang Member #3: “F**k you, you b*****d!”

 

The gang member makes an attempt to pistol-whip Soren but before he can do so, he is tapped on the shoulder by Soren, along with the rest of the gang. They drop to their knees for a few seconds, and then finally fall on the ground.

 

Soren: “No worries. Even though you won’t be able to move for a while, I’ll let one of your friends know where you are.”

 

Soren picks up all of their guns and throws them in the nearest dumpster. He walks away from them and continues to read his book. Ten minutes later Soren walks into a building and is greeted by somebody as soon as he walks in.

 

Person: “What book are you reading now?”

 

Soren: “This new mystery book I picked up yesterday morning”

 

Person: “How many pages is it?”

 

Soren: “657”

 

Person: “How far are you on it now?”

 

Soren: “I have 30 pages left”

 

Person: “You read too fast!”

 

Soren: “I probably would have finished during my walk but something came up”

 

Person: “Now that you mention it, it seems like your weekly walk took a lot longer than usual Soren, what happened?”

 

Soren: “I had a little run in with some people.” 

 

Person: “I hope you fucked them up.”

 

Soren: “So much profanity Jax. But I didn’t bother”

 

Jax (disgustedly): “You say that bullshit every time you fight somebody. Are you scared to have some blood on your hands? I’m pretty sure those guys weren’t looking to go out for pizza. If they’re out to kill you, why not kill them?”

 

Soren: “The only reason King is dead is because of me. Believe it or not there are a few people that don’t live to kill Jax.”

 

Jax: “Maybe if the b******s I’ve killed weren’t so weak then they’d still be alive. Not my problem if they succumbed to their injuries”

 

Soren (Walking away): “Whatever you say Jax. Whatever you say.”

Author's Note

Read and let me know what you think! Would like detailed feedback please. Thanks for reading!

Reviews

[Anonymous]

I like the imagery. I'm drawn to know more about Soren and Jax. The dialogue was nicely worded and I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes. I thought that this was a good opening to your story, which I am eager to watch unfold. Please continue and keep up the good work.

_Cloud

[Sarusai Hiryu]

Unreal.

[Animefreak12]

Nicely done! I really like the Manga-esque way of writing you used. I can very easily see the characters in my head, talking to each other, Soren fighting and whatnot.
I'll have to continue reading! Keep up the good work. ^_^

[hippityhoppitybippitybo..]

It's hard to describe this chapter as anything besides 'cliched;' it opens with a dude that hands the asses of three guys on a silver platter without so much as breaking a sweat, the complete antagonist of what a good introduction should be. Now, it's not entirely /that/ I'm worried about; it's more of Soren's attitude while he does it. He goes through the trouble of giving explanations, noting the model of their weapons (one which, is if I remember correctly, none too common among gang members and street thugs), and then continues on to drivel to their unconscious bodies like it'll mean something. In a more realistic setting, a well-placed sniper could take him out no problem unless he's psychic or something (which, judging by his explanations, he's not).

Seems like everyday your anime/manga elements, but even most anime and manga don't go through such lengths to overly romanticize things in full force like that without it being intentionally done for comedic value like Excel Saga or Gintama. The afterword he has with his buddy Jax only confirms my suspcions, especially with the initial two lines once they meet with each other. Avid fans of animanga (or maybe even literature in general), more or less, absolutely despise characters who seem as though they are portrayed as flawless or otherwise OP without any redeeming qualities besides 'he might seem cool.' Unless Soren magically turns 3-Dimensional along the way (in terms of personality), I would more than likely have no intention of caring about anything that happens to him.

Now, I realize that this is going to be mapped out into a manga, but if it's going to posted online in text format, I'd suggets giving it a bit more depth, add scenery, display thoughts, etc. Most of the dialogue couldn't be applied in real life without someone nearby bursting out in laughter (but it's far more forgivable as a cartoon, of course), but it's up to you whether or not you want to change that, though it does bug me a bit.

The character introductions. The way they're placed into the story, their actions and what can be learned from them in this piece give off a flat vibe, as if not much thought or consideration was put into the work. Unless the next chapter deviates and climbs out from this pit, it's hard to say I see any promise in it.

On the flip side, most of the people, as shown below, don't seem to be so fanatical about complexity and realism, which in some cases, can work as a good thing if you're a really light reader or just getting into reading. To be honest, this piece falls apart as a chapter (which is what I'm reviewing it as), but the real point of it is supposed to be the manga, which may hold very different views, so that's not saying much.

Overall, I can't say I'm too excited to know about what happens next so I'd suggest some heavy revision, maybe rewatch some good animes you've seen to get a better hold of a more professional atmosphere (I'm not saying copy them, of course, but take hints from them), especially if you plan on letting it hit the shelves like you mentioned on your profile.

The scene is easily imaginable (just talking about the characters), but it'd wise to expand more on the opening scene, add more facets to the players and let people know you're not trying to build a run-of-the-mill comic that exudes inexperience. Characters are your most important aspects; they're the reason people read it, so make sure their pasts and personalities are thoroughly developed and explored.

[Luchia Noname]

it reminds me of one piece :) i like it ^^

[ericdeben]

I thought it was good, but if you're writing a book, you don't write dialog like this:
Character: "Dialog"

You write it like this:
"Dialog," character says.
Character says, "Dialog"
"Dialog," character says, "Dialog"
Or something like that. The way you wrote it was like a play.

[Bailey B.]

I luv this! I luv reading manga's whenever I can and I like the story here. I liked how Soren(such a cool name by the way!) blocked the bullets, but also that he didn't kill the gang members. And Jax made me laugh some with his language. I'll keep reading!

This is VERY intresting.
*reads on

[Calypso]

I believe you could add a little more flesh to the dialogue, but other then that it's great. Disclaimer: I've never read a book like this before so in my reviews I may look like a fool.

[♍ Kirstin ♎]

This is actually quite good and I'd love to see it in Manga form (with all the artwork). It may take me some time to read all of this though as I'm just a tad busy, but I will try and review all chapters XD