Graveyard

The poem talks about the transition of wanting love to transitioning into not wanting love anymore,rather staying aloof from love and liking it.

I wrapped love in a beautiful box
The box had a beating heart,glittering eyes,a body
And I handed it to them.
They threw love,kept the body.
Now I own a graveyard
They are all bodies now.
Bodies loyal,
Bodies disloyal.
Bodies beautiful,
Bodies ugly.
Bodies that hold pretention.
I delicately put them into their coffin
Bury them as if they meant nothing.
But people forget the dead
After the grandeur of grief.
I forget too,
Like a regular chore.
I wait for new bodies,
My muse.
Another day,
Another body.
Love is lost,
Body count high.

Author's Note

By the phrase "they are all bodies now" means taking people just as they are without getting involved emotionally.

Reviews

[JayG]

You're talking TO the reader, about YOU, and what YOU do, and about how YOU feel.

Shouldn't you make the reader care, first? The words are deeply meaningful to you, of course, because in your mind reside the events that triggered the poem. In your mind is the backstory, and, in your mind your intent for the meaning to be applied to the words drives your perception of the words.

But...who on the planet, other than you, knows that? No one. Who but you knows the emotion to place into the reading. No one.

See the problem? A reader will shrug when given a line like, "I cried at the funeral," because what they want is for you to make THEM cry. They want emotional content, and by emotional, I mean theirs, not yours.

One thing that helps, is to do your editing from the seat of a reader who arrives with no context—but must have it as-they-read, for every line. Remember, there is no second first-impression.

When you find yourself talking to the reader about things in your life, stop, rephrase, make it their life. As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

Remember, in our school days we focused on the kind of writing our future employers prize: reports, essays, and letters. But the goal of such writing is to inform. As such, a dispassionate narrator talks to the reader about facts. But poetry and fiction entertain by giving the reader an emotional experience. And that takes a very different approach, one that's emotion, not fact-based.

Take a look at the Shmoop website. Select Student, then Poetry, and you'll find a deep analysis of many poems. Knowing what worked for others can be a huge help. As Wilson Mizner put it: “If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from two, it’s research.” And we should always do our research, right? 😄

You might also look at the excerpt for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. He's focused on structured poetry, but still, what he has to say about the flow of words an making it smooth is useful to all writers.

I know this wasn't what you were hoping to hear, but the problem I mentioned is invisible to the author, simply because they have all that information, and never notice what's missing. So I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Parsa]

Jayg thank you so much for giving me a perspective that I need to work on,I absolutely appreciate you coming forward and helping me better my poems.I will be careful.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

I really enjoyed reading this poem a lot Parsa. One can feel the emotional detachment from love this piece speaks to. You pick the perfect metaphors to define the message you seek to relay to the audience. Excellent work in this deep thoughtful poem.

[Parsa]

Carlos thank you so muchhhhh for your beautiful review.It makes me so happy that you liked it.