Eyes On Me

It  started when I was very young.

Maybe 12 or 13.

An older man gave me an eyeful at church.

After the service on our way out, he proudly patted my dad on the back.

He looked at my father and said “damn, you did good!”

With that, he winked at me and went down the stairs.

I remember feeling very uncomfortable but also very flattered.

Elderly people have touched my cheeks in disbelief and proceed to tell me that “I’m stunningly beautiful.”

This guy I dated in secrecy (long pitiful story) once told me that I could have any man in the world.

I’ve gotten free coffee in Paris, and New York.  

I made a man in Dublin nearly crash his car.

There's a barista in a coffee shop who seems to have a crush on me. He gives me nicer mugs and I usually catch him gazing at me from behind the counter.

So okay, fine. 

I’ll admit it.

I'm not bad looking.

 I might not act like it, but at the end of the day I embrace the fact that I have the ability to walk into a room full of people and make heads turn.

Yet there's one problem.

When you have so many eyes on you, and when you're the belle of your small town..

You begin to grow paranoid.

Every eye is thinking something.

Every woman has knives in her look.

Every man grows more lustful.

And it feels like everyone is after me.

I feel under pressure to look good all the time. 

I feel pressure to act ladylike. 

To exude confidence.  

It's overwhelming.

So I run into the woods.

And I hide from the eyes on me.

What do they really want?

Is it sex?

Is it my spark?

Is it charm?

I'm afraid to find out.

The problem in being attractive is even though eyes are on you, people are intimidated to speak to me.

To ask me out.

So I become intimidated by their intimidation.

But one day I'll let my guard down, and find someone to love.

 

Reviews

[Carol Cashes]

Give those eyes something to look at: your work. Let it be your "brand" and smile, toss back your locks and say "Don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful, hate me cuz I'm smart!"

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Wow you have written a lot this year Kathryn. love the openness and honesty of many of your pieces. This explains the way in which a deep lack of confidence/trust in self/relationships/life; leads one to show the world the easy face. The body and the visage born to you but not the heart and soul inside.

[Richard🖌]

Kathryn,
From a man's standpoint, I can easily relate to all you've said, because it is precisely the same way I grew-up and felt throughout my teen and maturing years, until I finally got used to it and even gave-in quite a few times to advances, just to learn a bit and and find out what it's all about!
'Tain't all bad, though, I'll admit a bit of selective discernment will go a long way toward avoiding undesired advances and results.
With your instincts, I am more than a little sure you know by now who and what to avoid, and don't really need my advice.
I'm all growed-up now, but still find it amazing the number of younger ladies who give me the eye. ; )
I hope you find the right good man to love, Kathryn; for, I am positive you'll make life heaven on earth for him, if he'll treat you with deepest respect, regard, and tenderness … maybe, a playful pinch or tickle here and there thrown-in … LOL! He'll definitely have to be very smart, too, just to keep up with you … ohhh-MY!

Well, ya got me up on a soapbox, M'Lady, but I love your writings sooo very much, and how they always offer originality, enjoyment, and something to get my mind stirring … thanks, You! ⁓ Richard x0x

[bluessadmood]

I really loved this,you intrigued me ..it's when you pick something so common and you tackle it from so many point not thought of before..when first saying you caught the eyes of all you are a charmer..I thought how easy it must be for you..off course I am not that simple..but you surprised me..
Yes it is a burden..have to live to the expectation of all and how you are right..how thoughtful..why don't I just fall in love.take a turn and see..maybe that also won't be easy..ha ha
Lovery write

[aj milton]

It is certainly true that some people are "attractive" or just "eminently watchable" and it is nothing to do with beauty by conventional standards. If you have that je ne sais quoi, then do embrace it, but stay true to who you are as a person. That's what counts for relationships.

[Kathryn Smith]

Thank you! I'm trying to be more comfortable with being watched..it's a process. haha Thank you for the review! I will most definitely stay true to myself.