Guilty

Dear JJ,

I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while.

How are you? I hope you're well up there.

Remember when I told you about that boy from England I was talking to?

We're getting closer each day. He's so much fun. He makes me laugh so hard and I can talk to him for hours.

Did you ever feel guilty for things that you knew you shouldn't feel guilty about?

I was on Skype with this boy last night.

We just really wanted each other..and we wanted to make it intimate - because what else

can you do  when there is an ocean between you?

I was in my bra...and snuggled under the covers. My blanket was over my chest..

Everything was going really well. We are talking like small

excitable children...

Then my mom opens my door...and she goes ballistic.

She started yelling at me. The boy and I burst out into laughter.

IT"S NOT FUNNY! She bellowed. PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON!

She was hysterical J.

I quickly had to end my chat with my handsome friend...

and I tried explaining to my mother that nothing was going on.

It wasn't what it looked like.

But she wouldn't have it.

Tonight at dinner this situation was brought up again...and basically she thinks I am disrespecting myself.

That because I was in my bra - I must have been flashing him.

She said that sometimes she and dad try to save me from my self.

My dad walked up the stairs and we talked. He scolded me too. He brought up my faith and how I need to remember to honor it.

Jack I want to punch a wall.

I am 24 years old.

I know they want to protect me, but this is getting out of hand.

I am devastated that they don't trust me.

That they think I am someone I am not.

They don't even know how happy this British boy makes me.

I feel so suffocated.

I feel like they want me to be a prude.

I just want to live my life.

It's not like I am taking drugs, or selling my body.

It's not like I am sleeping with a man every single night.

I need to break free.

I want so badly for my parents to see my "Self." as something that isn't a w***e or something destructive.

I want so badly to not feel guilty.

But I do.

And I shouldn't because there is nothing to be guilty about.

But I've let them down...

And their stakes are just too high.

I cant breathe..

I hope you are safe.

I hope you are well.

I love you.

Your girl on earth

Kathryn

PS. Thank god my friend wasn't scared away.

He was cool with it.

And now we have even more inside jokes. :)